my parents make me feel bad even after all these years!

[dottydog]

I haven't had a great relationship with my own parents over the years, they were very controlling (still can be 2 a certain extent), who believed hitting was an ok punishment, or maybe a few suggestions that 'u need 2 see a pscychiatrist' or 'if your're not good the men in white coats will take u away', sometimes I actually wished they did.But was glad when I did get away. Sure they've helped me out with money etc, what parent doesn't. But they always seem to resent me, I became independant and will actively encourage my own children 2b also. But no matter how happy I am the more they seem to dislike me. It's really difficult, now I'm at a point where I don't wish 2 see them or my family, they don't even hold back in their own grandchilds company, it's not right, my hubby had to ask them 2 leave. They then left a horrible message on the ans machine, which my daughter has heard, and is v.upset. They have also tried 2 involve the inlaws 2. So I've decided 2 listened 2 all that know and love me that I should not put up with them anymore.I didn't want 2 for my children, but I was never shielded from arguments or upset and it constantly makes me feel bad even now, I want my children to be happy, that's all.

[WinkyWinkola]

What a horrible situation to be in. I feel sorry for you.

And you want to be happy too, right? Not just your children.

It would appear that your parents find it very hard to accept that you are independent of them. By being unpleasant, they are still exerting some sort of control over you.

Could you write them a letter and tell them that you have decided it would be better if you severed ties with them because of the reasons you've cited above? You could say that you're willing to see them only if they observe certain boundaries and respect you?

You may have to be v. specific in what kinds of behaviour you won't accept from them.

There's a book about Toxic Parents, isn't there?

Good luck. I hope things get better.

[startouchedtrinity]

By giving you money your parents are still having some control over you.

You can try writing to them but tbh I would get a new phone number and not have them in the house. My dh's mother is like this and we no longer even know where she lives.

They are your parents, but you do not have to put up with this. And you have nothing to feel bad about.

[ally90]

Hi Dottydog, your not alone.

Go to this thread

We have broken contact with parents or considering it due to behaviour such as your parents. Love them wanting to send you to a psychiatrist...my mother always said I was abnormal. All the same...basically they are normal and we are not because we don't think like them/act like them.

Sounds like you are the emotionally healthy one in your family. I felt guilty at breaking contact for my dd's sake. But I had to weigh the pro's and con's. I was just a very unhappy person with my parents in my life, all the negativity brings you down because by 'societies' beliefs, your mother and family should love you more than anyone else, so when they continually bring you down it makes you think other people can treat you like that/won't like you. Happened more when I was young tho...less now, I value my friends and dh's opinion of me now, not my parents.

Your parents not loving you as they should is their problem. I'm sure your dc will understand that and why you possibly may not want to be around them in future.

Sorry its a bit rambling...first thing in the morning!
xx

[ally90]

oops...when I said that last sentence... I meant that its their personal issues causing them to not love you as they should. Obviously it is a problem for you...

And the book is 'toxic parents' by susan forward.

[NAB3]

Only read the OP. Cut ties. Life is too short to have to live like this. My parents wouldn't get near my children for all the bloody tea in China and they sure won't suffer.

[BarbieGirl]

dottydog - My parents are the same it annoys the crap out of me. If I had my way I would cut all ties but I think why should my sister have all their inheritence .

No seriously, my parents were controlling and seem somewhat disapointed I am now an independent women with 2 lovely Dc's.

Tbh I couldn't care less anymore.

[dottydog]

Thanx 2 all that have posted a msg, makes me feel a lot better, I know I'm not the only one 2 feel this way about my parents, at the time when the 'chaos' is happening u feel like the only one, but it is very sad that it does happen 2 lots of people. The book u suggest sounds interesting, will give it a look up.

at present we have returned a birthday package that was destined for one of our children, i returned it 2 the sender, my parents, expecting an abusive phonecall when sending it, hey presto on cue without fail they did.i was out when the first call came, hubby had the pleasure .

I later decided 2 confront them (via phone) asking them 2 stop making threats 2 me or my family, getting them 2 listen as usual was impossible, at this point i said i no longer wanted contact with them, and 2 me they wil no longer exist in my life, didn't quite get the chance to finish my sentence, but hopefully they got the msg.

i just don't get how a parent becomes 2 hate their child, they seem to think i owe them something, and i feel that whatever plans they had for me they didn't work out as they wanted them 2. i have a younger sis also, she seems 2b able 2 tell them what she thinks when she wants, seems 2 be respected to a certain extent, where i am scum according 2 my dad.

my mum is the winder always, think i got hassle when younger from my dad, cos mum got on his nerves, he took it out on me.mum was always 'down, fed up'. think they got more problems than me but they won't accept it cos nothing's wrong with them ever, its always someones elses fault, and i dont think the pair of them have ever said sorry 2 anyone ever.theyve had more fall outs than i could mention not just with me but with loadsa family and friends.mum seems 2 actively look for arguments.

they are strange people, they can stay in their strange world. i have my life and i'm going 2 use it positively as i always have, for the benefit of me and my family. x

[startouchedtrinity]

Dottydog, you cannot change people, no point in trying. Goodness knows what it is that makes people act as yoru parents do. I think you have done the right thing in cutting them out, and I would change that phone number pronto.

[ally90]

How sad

Agree with STT, change your number. I did. Its not your fault they have all these issues and take it out on you. You sound like the scapegoat of the family. I too used to get the hassle, except my dad would get at my mother who would get at me and my sister would start it or join in cause she was actually probably mad at my mother and father for paying attention to me when I was born. Leave them too it like you said...I see it as leaving the 'hot potato' with my family. Someone else is going to have to take the c**p now.

xx

[dottydog]

Thanx 4 the advice, thanx ally90, have bn looking at the thread suggested, v.sad and heartbreaking.

unfort.STT we can't change our ph. no. as we rent our hse.the ans mach. is now turned off though and we have a caller display, they have a diff.code 2 us so easy 2 identify.

I had friends telling me years ago that I should 'cut all ties', but it was always the same i was asked 2 make an apology, emotionally blackmailed, til i forgave them??? I was the one who felt guilty???

why did i not listen 2 the people who cared.my parents make me feel tired, washed out.sorry for going on.

i used to draw and paint quite a lot from the age of 4, i stopped doing this when i met someone who actually loved me, strange that, makes me think that i emerged myself into my artwork for some kind of escape from 'family life'.

I haven't painted for several years now, so i guess i must be v.happy. maybe the split from my parents will enable me 2 look at my talents again and use them with a refreshed state of mind.

I am concerned for my sis though, she had said she is not getting 'involved', but in the past she has. she suffers from depression, i don't know how severe, but because of the 'distance' i've always have felt between us, i can't trust her either.i'm at a loss on what to say or do there?she lives nr my parents.i don't want her own relationship with our parents to be affected (whatever it may be good/bad/uneasy).

By the way i'm buying 'toxic parents' online 2nite!! xxx

[ally90]

Hi Dottydog

I have an older sister, she has been well and truly dragged into their game...she's like my mother but worse. I have no contact with her either due to her bitchiness. Don't know whether she or my mother can hurt me the most.

Think I had better buy that book too! Best go do it now before I forget again!

[micegg]

I feel for you as I am in a similar situation. It will be a year on sunday that I last spoke to my dad. I won't bore with the details but the relationship was doing me no good at all. Many unhappy years listening to nasty comments and analysing every word he said before trying to make myself believe he was OK. The last stram came when I was 7 months pregnant with DD1 and at my sisters wedding when he asked loudly whether my DH and I had had a DNA test yet in front of all my relatives! Supposedly his idea of a joke but in my eyes not what you say to your heavily pregnant duaghter at your other daughters wedding. They (dad and stepmother) still send DD christmas and birthday cards (addressed to her without a mention of us) last year I chucked them in the bin but this year I will return them unopened. I have found this year tough and have the added complication of my sister who can be a bit of a stirrer telling me we should talk. I am happier without him and his wife and I don't want him upsetting me and my family. No more to say really. Time has definately helped and I honestly can't see me ever going back. I am sure I will have regrets but I don't think they will be that deep.