A close relative of mine. not visiting baby in SCBU

[Babyface74]

Hi everyone - this is my first post, so I hope I've posted in the right section.

A close relative of mine had a baby 2 weeks okay at 31 weeks. The baby was in distress so she had a c-section. All things considered, the baby is in good shape, but is intensive care on a ventilator.

The problem is (I think) that said relative She doesn?t seem too bothered about visiting her baby who is in intensive care. She is all brandishing photos around and asking us to go up to her house to watch videos of him (?!) but is spending only about an hour or two there a day (in the evenings) despite having all manner of people around who would be more than happy to organise a lift rota (myself included). The hospital is a 10/15 min drive away.

Okay she?s had a c-section but it?s been over 2 weeks now. During the day, she has done the following instead of see her new baby:visited a friend who?d just had a perfectly healthy baby and I?m sure would have understood if she hadn?t visited, gone into work to shop off her baby pics (not pretty as baby is all tubes and wires), lunch with relatives, numerous trips to our local shopping centre, coffees with friends and relatives, the hairdressers.

Today I have offered her a lift there and back to the hospital, but she has declined, saying she will go with her husband this evening. How she can sit at home all day when her baby is lying on his own in hospital escapes me.

Having had a very prem baby myself (28 weeks) I feel very close to the issue. I spent every single day with my son during his 12 week stay in SCBU. I commuted 30 miles into London every day to do so because I didn't want to stay in hospital digs (she was also offered a room in the hospital, which is much closer to home).

She has said to me ? I don?t know how you did it, travelling up to London on the train every day. I?m so tired.? I replied honestly that ?I just wanted to be with my baby as much as a possibly could. I wouldn?t have had it any other way.? Every other mum I met was exactly the same ? spending as much time as they could. From my point of view, if she's got the energy to walk around a shopping centre, she should have the energy to sit next to her baby's bed in hospital!

I feel very wound up about it. She seems to think it?s some kind of holiday, that the hospital is some kind of baby hotel! She only wants the nice bits. I actually feel it?s quite neglectful. And I can?t believe hospital staff aren?t encouraging her to be there more. She tells me they have told her she ?needs to rest? but it?s not that taxing sitting in a hospital chair, is it? If I hadn't been there every single day, caring for my baby as much as I could, I just KNOW the nurses would have been on at me (albeit gently) to do so.

She needs to bond and, if she wants to start breastfeeding him, which she says she does, she needs to start trying.

She is quite a selfish person, so in some ways I'm not surprised. But then again, the only thing she has ever really wanted in life is a baby, so I'm puzzled by her no-show.

I guess it could be that she is frightened of something or maybe has the beginnigs of PND?

I have tried to hint, but I know I can't say anything outright because she is an in-law and, anyway, she has just given birth and I don't want to upset her.

But I do think she is being a bit neglectful and can't believe another family member hasn't encouraged her to visit more.

Would appreciate any thoughts/insights on this.

[Babyface74]

p.s. Apologies for all the typos. Should have previewed it!

[McDreamy]

I had a friend whose baby was prem The visiting hours here are very restrictive and even the parents are only ale to visit for a few hours every day - she was relieved as she said there was very little she could do for him. She did have a toddler at home though.

[Niecie]

Sounds a bit odd to me but as you say she may be in denial and have the beginnings of PND. Not sure if you can do anything. You have to let her deal with it in her own way. She may not feel a great bond with her child and whilst we may say spending time will help that bond she may not see it that way and you can't make her.

Where is the baby's father in all this?

[sugarmatches]

I never left my ds when he was in scbu, but that was only a week. That was despite having a CS and being in constant pain.

But I would never judge another mother on her reactions to certain situations. There may be any number of reasons why she does not go to visit often. She obviously has not had a real chance to bond and that does make a huge difference. She may have a bit of ppd which can be frightening, especially when people don't really understand (at least it feels that way if you have ppd). Maybe she is just scared that something might happen and she is trying to protect herself.

Of course it could be that she is just a selfish cow putting her own needs before her lo. If that is the case, I would deffo scratch her from my Christmas card list.

[andiem]

visiting hours for parents are 24/7 in all the paeds units I have worked in other visitors may be restricted but definitely not parents

your friend may be finding it hard to bond with her baby lots of parents go through a grieving process when there baby isn't born exactly how they thought it would be. Maybe she is hiding the fact that she is frightened he may die it would be good for her to visit and discuss with the staff they will be very experienced at dealing with all of this

we don't all respond in the same way so maybe cut her some slack and you could gently ask her if she is frightened of seeing him
she may feel that she doesn't want to get too close to him in case he does die again a very common thing for some parents to do

I think as you have been through this yourself you are in a good position to help her

[lulumama]

maybe she is afraid to get too attached to the baby in case the worst should happen ? maybe she is in shock...

you sound a little judgemental, TBH, considering you have been in a similar position, yet you seem to have no empathy for the mixed emotions she must be feeling....

agree if she wants to breastfeed, she needs to be having as much skin to skin and kangaroo care as she can with him though

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[Babyface74]

No problems on the visiting front. There are two ward rounds a day when it's medics only, but it was the same for me. I just worked around it, as did all the other mums. In fact, we were a great source of support to one another, something she is missing out on by not being there.

Father has gone back to work.

Yes I probably do sound judgemental. I can see that. It's hard not to be though, as every single mother I met on SCBU put in a full day with their baby. The ones with kids at home, were back and forth throughout the day, but it was still their main focus for the day.

I had very mixed emotions too, but I made myself go. I can remember one morning, 4/5 days after the birth, I couldn't stop crying. I missed train after train after train, but I dragged myself as soon as I could.

I realised I had to be strong for my child and I had to be there for him, regardless of my feelings. Having been through the same (worse in fact. My son was far more poorly) it's just hard for me to understand her behavior.

[tori32]

On the face of it I can understand your feelings about this, its a raw subject, and from my view point I may feel the same. However, I think PND may well have something to do with it. She obviously has had a very traumatic time and may be trying to come to terms with all the events that has happened, grieving for the birth she wanted but didn't get, worry about whether the baby will live. She may even be blaming herself inside for how the birth ended up or something that she feels could have brought on premature labour. PND would be very likely given the situation, likewise she will probably feel unable to ask for help and 'not deserving ' of help because her baby is in far more need IYSWIM.

My advice would be don't judge, her feelings will run very deep and could take a while to unscramble. Be patient, ask her 'how she feels', not 'are you ok?' Acknowledge that she has had a difficult time and its been a shock. Reassure her that you are there for her if she wants to talk about it.

I don't think she is being deliberately being selfish, more trying to cope with the possibility of losing a baby, that you say she wanted so much.

[Pennies]

It could be worse, she could have taken herself off to the Caribbean. looonnggg story

[lulumama]

you say all she ever wanted was a baby

but in her dream, i bet it wasn;t an emergency c.s , 9 weeks early, with a poorly baby in SCBU, maybe she is grieiving for the pregnancy and birth and new born she won;t ever have..

maybe that is why she is distant

[Babyface74]

You are right Tori. I guess I feel particularly sensitive because I have been there. Don't know if anyone here has had a prem baby but there are things people say which rub you up the wrong way e.g. 'They soon grow...' and 'Isn't it amazing what doctors can do these days.'

People don't mean it, but it feels as if people are almost being dismissive of what you are going through. With her running around with her photos and video clips (which I'd never have done, I was so afraid of the worst) and shopping, having lunch and going to the hairdressers instead of seeing her baby...it almost as if she is belittling the trauma we went through. It is almost as if she is acting out the dismissive 'they soon grow' attitude we've encountered again and again. Because of the way she is behaving, I can't help feeling the family might feel I was 'milking it' by being their day and night, when in reality, I was just doing what every other mum was doing.

When it first happened, I went to see her with a book abut preemies and was asking how she felt about things all the time, but now I've seen her attitude to the baby, I find it difficult. It just makes me so angry, as I feel she isn't facing up to her responsbilities.

So maybe actually I'm not the right person to support her because the subject is too close to me?

Reading your responses here, I wonder if my anger is as much about what happened to me as about what is happening to here at the moment.

Plus obviously I know her of old and know she is very selfish, which is obviously going to colour my view.

[Babyface74]

OhmiGod!

Have just read the Caribbean thread.

Think I need a lie down!

[Chirpygirl]

I have a friend whose baby was born prem along with other problems and ended up in SCBU for a couple of months. She has since told me (this wasa few years ago) that she didn't visit more than a few hours a day as she found it too hard to see him attached to tubes and wires and was convinced if she bonded too closely he would die and she wouldn't be able to cope with it. This was her way of handling it.
She loves her little boy and dotes on him now but she just couldn't handle it for the first few months. I didn't know her then and probably would have thought the same as you but please don't judge her based on how she is reacting to this, everyone reacts differently and she may just need time to come to terms with everything.

[tori32]

Maybe the showing people video clips and photo's is her way of saying how much she loves her baby and wants to show her to people because she thinks they expect it? On the other hand it sounds possible that she is distancing herself to minimize the hurt if the worst happens, you will probably see a marked difference in her attitude once she leaves scbu. Lots of people are phobic of hospitals. The going getting her hair done etc may be her only way of making herself feel better and cheering her up to face another day. Another possibility is that she is trying to blot things out and pretend that everything is 'normal' whenit blatantly isn't.

The truth is that only she knows the answers and if you feel so strongly about it why don't you ask her why she doesn't visit for long.

[lulumama]

"People don't mean it, but it feels as if people are almost being dismissive of what you are going through. With her running around with her photos and video clips (which I'd never have done, I was so afraid of the worst) and shopping, having lunch and going to the hairdressers instead of seeing her baby...it almost as if she is belittling the trauma we went through. It is almost as if she is acting out the dismissive 'they soon grow' attitude we've encountered again and again. Because of the way she is behaving, I can't help feeling the family might feel I was 'milking it' by being their day and night, when in reality, I was just doing what every other mum was doing.


babyface.. this is almost more about how you dealt with the trauma of your very sick, very prem baby... this is about her and her baby.. and it cannot help but bring up memories for you, but she is dealing with this in her own way, rightly or wrongly, but if it makes you this uncomfortable, maybe you shoudl tell her it is too painful and you need to take step back, rather than critiquing the way she is handling this.

[newgirl]

my thoughts turned to the dad here too - maybe your friend would go in more if he was there in the day too - maybe it is very scary going in on her own and she doesnt know what to do

i think quite apart from the special circumstances when a friend has a baby it can be quite a shocker in how you handle things differently - not all friendships make it due to different parenting styles/nursery/work/how kids get on etc so you will just have to see how it goes!

[tori32]

OMIGOD! I have also just read the carribean thread! Thats WTF is that all about. How would you get back quickly if anything happened [disgusting]

[hunkermunker]

I think you're more upset because she's not responding as you think she should, rather than her behaviour being utterly appalling.

On the Mozhe thread, there were people who said they couldn't bring themselves to spend every waking hour with their baby, because it scared them.

It's the kind of thing where you can't know how you'll react unless it happens to you. And, clearly, even though it has happened to you, everyone deals with these things differently.

Please don't be angry with her, because it'll be damaging to you. If you feel it's hard to spend time with her, don't.

Of course, she could just be a selfish toad...!

[3andnomore]

I was going to write what andiem and lulumama have written...
sorry to hear that you had to go through this yourself, and that you are finding it hard now, to cope with the emotions and memories it is triggering.

[edam]

Agree with Hunker - people react differently, even in similar situations. This is her way of coping. You don't know what she's feeling or thinking inside.

It's obviously bringing back all sorts of memories and feelings for you, so perhaps you should take a step away for a little while, give yourself a chance to deal with your stuff.

[Babyface74]

Cheers everybody.

I feel like a bit of a heartless b**tch now ;)

Seriously though, it was been hugely helpful to post here and get different peoples' thoughts rather than turning it over in my head. Obviously I don't want to say it to anyone, as I don't want to be seen to be criticising her. But posting here is helping me gain a sense of perspective.

I just keeping thinking of their baby lying on his own all day and it makes me feel so sad. Although I was clearly very affected by what happened to me, I bonded well with my son and had no PND. I put that down to spending so much time in SCBU with him, holding his hand and stroking his head. And just watching him. Although it was incredibly painful, being at home was even more painful and that was what I picked up from others.

My mum is a health professional and reassured me that the ward staff will be concerned and will start to try and coax her in more, especially for the breastfeeding but. But she genuinely doesn't seem to understand that in order to establish breastfeeding (which she seems to determined to do) she will need to be there for as many feeds in a day as she can manage.

[3andnomore]

just read the other thread...shocking....












(looked at mozhe's profile and apperently she is a psychiatrist...)

[Lorayn]

I had DD at 32 weeks, due to placental abruption, She had a pneumothorax and needed a ventilator, she was in scbu for 4 weeks.
I went to see her probably a few hours a day, for the first three days I darent even touch her.
I suffered from terrible PND (docs say it was probs due to shock as well), ended up taking an OD about 4 months later and going into hospital with kidney failure, due to the OD.

I know it may seem hard for you to understand but please try and help her, it took me years to accept her as my child and start to bond with her,until I had DS really, 4 years later, and although I hate myself for it, I still feel that I havent got as good a relationship with DD as I have with DS due to the bonding thing.
It was terribly hard and I handled it awfully, esp with MIL etc asking why I wasnt with her, I was too scared to be around her, it hurt too much.
So please please just be there for her.

[Babyface74]

Hi Lorayn

Thanks for posting this. It's very helpful. I will try to stick with it, but I guess I might be best to keep my distance until she is ready to talk and I am feeling calmer.

Do you mind if I ask what kind of 'face' you were putting on to the outside world at the time?

The reason I ask is I think that's the most difficult bit for me. Why is she going around acting like she's on holiday? As I've said, although I found it incredibly hard, I have come out of our 12 week stay in SCBU relatively unscathed. BUT I hid myself away for the whole time, just couldn't face day-to-day life. I couldn't go shopping/out to dinner(a) because I didn't feel like it and (b) because I was afraid of running into anyone and having to make small talk.

If she just said 'Look I'm finding it hard to cope' instead of running around with her photos and pretending there was nothing wrong with her baby, I would find it easier.