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AIBU?

To expect DP to get up with the baby now and again? (bit of a rant, sorry)

42 replies

Mindles · 31/08/2007 06:59

DP left his job about a month ago, and hasn't found a new one yet. Since he is at home all the time (and doing very little to find a new job but hey ho), I don't really think I'm being unreasonable to expect him to be doing a bit more at home.

My main problem is that he won't get up with the baby, or he will get out of bed and slam around so badly that I have to get up before he breaks something. He seems incapable of getting up and sorting the baby out without coming in and out of the bedroom a dozen times with stupid requests about clothes or nappies, all delivered in a really stroppy tone of voice like everything that's wrong with the world is my fault. I wouldn't mind so much if he was willing to say, get up in the night (DS is 7.5m and recently started crawling so has been waking for a nightfeed for the last few days) but he won't do that either!

While I understand he's tired at 6.30 in the morning, does he think I'm immune from it?! I just feel like this just shows a complete lack of consideration. Then again I am tired and stroppy, so maybe I overreact, but I don't think so. So tell me, AIBU?

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tribpot · 31/08/2007 07:07

It wouldn't be unreasonable if your DP was in work so definitely NOT unreasonable in the current situation. Are you working?

I think you either need to have a proper chat with him about it and point out ds is his child as much as yours, or go for the option of just not taking the bait. Obviously all the banging about and stropping is done purely to get you to get up. Just ignore it. Answer questions about nappies and clothes in a calm voice that lets him know he isn't going to get what he wants. And get some blardy sleep.

Bouncingturtle · 31/08/2007 07:09

YANBU - after all he is just as responsible for bringing your lo into the world as you are! He is being pretty selfish. As to what you do about it, not too sure, but talking to him would help. Hopefully someone else will come along with more useful advice!

Mindles · 31/08/2007 07:16

Thanks for posting. I thought not! I'm not working at the moment, but I will be starting a new job in a couple of weeks. I am dreading the possibility of having to get up at 3am, 6.30am, and then leave for work at 7.45.

I think I have been too lax on him from the start - because he was working when I had the baby I did night feeds and early mornings so he wouldn't be tired for work...

I will talk to him, but does anyone have any suggestions on what to say? I feel like we've been having a similar conversation since the baby was born:

Me: "I need more practical support from you DP"
"Oh yeah..." mumbles DP from XBOX, "I'll just finish this level..."

And neither of us are very good at expressing ourselves so we usually just end up arguing, and I hate arguing in front of ds.

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LazyLinePainterJane · 31/08/2007 07:25

So what does he do?

if the answer is nothing useful, then he should be doing some night and morning wakings and doing housework as well, more so when you go back to work.

There is no way I would allow him to sit on his lazy selfish arse all day whilst I do everything.

Wallace · 31/08/2007 07:29

My dh is being an absolute prick about the same thing at the moment. My ds2 has been waking up at 5 and has he got up once? Has he !

SO YANBU

Mindles · 31/08/2007 07:36

What does he do? That's quite a good question. Well he is very good when it comes to playing with ds, they have a whale of time and they play for a good few hours every day, so that's something. Sometimes he tidies up, but that's always done in a huffy and accusatory manner. Recently he has done some washing up because I let it pile up for over a week, but only half and he's been going on about to me non-stop. He does do bottles, and will feed the baby. Oh and he cooks sometimes, though doesn't see that as a reason to help wash up regularly.

Apart from that he plays some daft game on facebook, and spends most of his time on the PC.

We are both only 21, and both quite lazy! I will freely admit I do the minimum to get by. The difference I feel, is that I've accepted the stuff I now need to do, and also accepted the fact that I am unlikely to get as much sleep as I want at night for a few years yet! Whereas he seems still to be stuck in this idea of, well if I leave it, she'll have to do it. Which is of course true - I can't exactly leave a howling baby in his cot just because I'm not ready to haul myself out of bed just yet.

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berolina · 31/08/2007 07:41

FFS. Your dh sounds like a teenager, not like a father. So he does the fun bits (playing) and throws a strop whenever he has to dirty his hands with housework. It's not acceptable, neither is the attempting to get you up, and I think you know it - doubly unacceptable because he is not working and not making a real effort to find a job. You, on the other hand, sound perfectly mature and aware of your responsibilities - so don't make his age into an excuse.

A serious, sit-down 'chat' when ds is in bed is in order. If that doesn't work, go on a strict policy of just sorting yourself and baby out, doing nothing for him (after all, what's he doing for you?)

Mindles · 31/08/2007 07:47

Berolina you are absolutely right, and I think he still sees himself as a teenager. Which would be ok, I suppose, if our baby had been unplanned, but he wasn't. I think your baby-only policy is a very good idea.

I just worry about provoking arguments, we have a complicated history together, and I broke up with him when we were 18, and ever since we got back together I've been terrified of karma coming to bite me in the arse by him walking out on me.

I'm being a wimp, aren't I? DO you know, the ironic thing is, I always considered myself quite a feminist type, wasn't going to take my husband's name, wasn't going to do all the housework etc just through virtue of being a woman. Now I wash his socks.

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sazzybee · 31/08/2007 07:53

You're his partner, not his mum. If neither of you are working, you should share the housework and looking after your baby equally IMO. He's doing what a lot of blokes do when asked to do chores around the house - make it so much of a pain for you that it's easier for you to do them yourself. Have you tried getting everything ready before you go to bed and then talking him through it so he hasn't got an excuse for waking you?

And tbh you really need to start talking to him - you've got to get communication nailed early on or it will get harder and harder ...

berolina · 31/08/2007 07:59

You can't let your past issues make you put up with any amount of crap, though. It's jsut possible (I know this is an unpleasant assumption) that he knows this, either consciously or subconsciously, and thinks 'oh well, she'll have to cut me some slack' (i.e. let me get away with being an a*se).

Thing is, if this goes on it's going to end up eating away at your relationship anyway. So think of it as a relationship-bettering measure to sort it out. If he can't take that in tzhis spirit, and would even be prepared to walk out over it, I'm sadly not sure he'd be all that much of a loss

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 08:03

YANBU.....it took the both of you to come to the decision of having a baby,he should be helpful and get up with DS without making a big comotion about it,especially if he doesnt have to get up to go to work.

Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:06

TBH Sazzybee, he shouldn't need walking through it by now, DS is almost 8m. But, clothes and nappies are kept in DS' bedroom, so you can whip him out of bed and jimjams, straight into day clothes, and there's always a bottle ready to be warmed up in the fridge.

In the past I have even prepared a cup of coffee for him the night before so all he has to do is boil the sodding kettle!

You're right I'm not his mum, but one of his favourite sayings is "Don't talk to me like I'm a child". I have lost count of the times I have retorted that if he didn't behave like one I wouldn't have to treat him like one. And I don't think I do patronise him anyway, it's something he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about.

I know communication is key to a lasting and nice-to-be-in relationship, but how do you go about establishing communication between two people who can hardly admit their feelings to themselves, let alone talk to someone else about them? I have been trying really hard to be more open, but DP just can't seem to manage it. I actually see a CPN for PND and anxiety problems, and she even suggested Relate! DP was utterly unimpressed, to say the least, and vetoed the idea pretty much as soon as I suggested it.

I can just see us, if things carry on like this, having the most acrimonious split. Which is obviously not what I want, or I'd just leave him now.

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Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:10

Berolina I really hope you're wrong, but I'd never thought of that before and you are quite possibly right on the money there.

He knows how much guilt I carry from our first relationship and he also knows that I'm terrified our relationship will fail because I ruined it last time etc etc.

If he has got that in his head, I don't suppose anything will fix that.

Fawkeoff exactly. And in the past I pointed out that I was being really nice by not making him do night feeds anyway, just because he worked. As far as I can see, everyone else makes their DP/H get up and help, regardless of when said P has to be up in the morning. But he doesn't believe me. It doesn't help that the only friend we have with a child is also a lazy git whose girlfriend does all the housework, cooking, washing etc. Also their son is 2 now so it's a whole different ball game anyway I suppose.

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BecauseImWorthIt · 31/08/2007 08:13

Your communication style sounds a lot like me/dh. I don't think it's necessarily a problem - it's very easy for people to say "you must talk about things" but if you're not someone who talks about yourself (as you sayh) then it's not so easy! We will have been married for 17 years shortly, so it can work!

That said, you obviously have an issue that is upsetting you - and you do need to find a way that he will share more of the chores with you, rather than just doing the enjoyable bits.

Why not write up a list of all the things that have to be done and agree between you who is doing to do what? You will have to review this once you're at work/he's back at work, but you need to establish some ground rules now. (And not doing anything because you're worried he might leave you is, as I think you know, no reason for not confronting this issue!)

It might also be a good idea to isolate the things he does that you don't - sometimes when it's written down it helps you to acknowledge that there are are somethings that you're not doing as well.

I would also suggest - although this is a little contentious to say the least! - that your should be doing everything that you can do get ds to sleep through the night. You are obviously very tired, which never helps get a sense of perspective.

Can you get away on your own for a couple of days, to visit a friend or something? This will not only give you the chance to sleep but will also leave your dp to cope on his own and should hopefully force him to take a bit more more responsibility about things.

Good luck!

Anna8888 · 31/08/2007 08:17

Relate sounds like a really good idea, given the circumstances you describe... your DP needs to realise that he has a whole lot of adult responsibilities now (shared with you, of course). I think the two of you need to make a list of what all those responsibilities are and how you are going to share them out equitably, but I suspect that will be very difficult without the help of a third party . Good luck.

EscapeFrom · 31/08/2007 08:18

This requires planning, but ...

purchase a small bolt, and attach it to the inside of your bed room door.

That night, prep your DP with "tomorrow, I am staying in bed. You are getting up with the baby."

Then when he gets up, slide the bolt. Put ear plugs in, and sleep. lay the clothes and nappies out and leave him a list if you really want.

Do Not Get Up. No matter how much he bangs, swears, and yells "For fucks sake!". If you get up, all you are doing is reinforcing his belief that you will always get up eventually, if he makes enough fuss.

This time, it is not about getting extra sleep - don't expect it. It is about laying the groundwork for you to get more sleep. Don't let him know he has managed to wake you up, be bright and breezy, and make it clear that this will be a regular occurance.

fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 08:19

bollox there shouldnt be comparisons to what other ppls DPs do,my DP was gr8 with getting up with both dd and ds when they where babies, and always made the night feeds up,and he had to get up to work.At the end of the day he is not a teenager living at home anymore, so he has no right to be sat on his arse playing the x box and dismissing everything you say to him.

Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:23

EscapeFrom - that would be a wonderful idea, except our door is already buggered from a pre-baby argument where I locked myself in the bedroom and he kicked the door in... He has a bit of a thing about locked in/out.

Anna - I think I am going to bring it up again. I may even call and make an appointment, and just tell him he can come with me or not. I think he would come.

BecauseImWorthIt - Not in the slightest contentious! I would quite agree if he hadn't ever slept through, but he has been sleeping through since he was quite little. Recently a combination of learning to crawl and teething pain has had him waking at night again. I will start trying to get him to sleep through again soon, but at the moment I am just concerned he needs the extra milk. Re: the list idea, we have done this in the past but he doesn't stick to it.

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Anna8888 · 31/08/2007 08:26

Relate, even on your own, would be excellent . Good luck.

Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:26

Fawkeoff - apparently to tell him that is to "patronise" him.

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fawkeoff · 31/08/2007 08:29

i just feel if you let him walk all over you with this situation then you wont have any authority in the relationship....have these men come straight from the caves banging their chests??????

Spink · 31/08/2007 08:35

Mindles, seems like a really good idea to go ahead and make a Relate appt, with him or without him. he may well be so terrified at the idea of being talked about in his absence that he will go (initially) for that reason alone
I guess you might need to ask yourself how long you are willing to put up with things being this way - I mean, this particular situation will change cos bubba will sleep through again, but the more general situation between you - the roles you both have in your relationship. How do you feel about the idea that things will be the same in 1 year? 5 years? If the thought that it might stay they same fills you with dread.. ask yourself what do YOU need to do to make sure it doesn't stay the same? It is no good thinking about what HE needs to do to change things, because at the end of the day what he does is his responsibility and although you can prompt him, you cannot change him. So. Think about what is in your control, what you can do, to make your life the way you want it to be. And then start to do those things.

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Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:35

Funnily enough, that's how I feel! But the problem is asserting authority. You know, I'm all for equality, I've no desire to be Head of the household, I just want to rub along nicely together.

I agree cave-dwelling chest-beating LAZY gits. Shall I just send him to back to the rock he crawled out from?

I'm wondering if a sort of day-by-day thing might work instead, e.g. He has to get up Monday morning and look after the baby most of the day but then he can have Tuesday mostly "off" iyswim?

Looking up Relate now - my CPN told me it was means-tested, does anyone have experience of their prices?

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Mindles · 31/08/2007 08:38

Mmm good point Spink, he can be really paranoid.

I see what you mean. I'm going to leave him in bed until he gets up of his own accord, then I can have a really good think as DS is napping too now.

Have got the relate website up, and there is a centre v near us so that's good. Maybe just the sight of the website will kick his arse into gear! [wildly optimistic emoticon]

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Anna8888 · 31/08/2007 08:40

A friend of mine went to Relate about a year after having a baby when her relationship had hit rock bottom over domestic issues and shared responsibilities.

At the first meeting, the counsellor (who they warmed to immediately) said to them "Don't even try to sort this out on your own, you do not have the skills and will fail".

They went back for six weeks' counselling. They got married a year later and all is fine

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