to not want mil to move 300 miles with bil so they can live near us?

[lostsoxs2]

mil has no hobbies / friends in the area she lives. She announced a week ago that she wants to move to live near us.
She doesnt drive, nor does bil, therefore will be relying on us to ferry them about; not to mention help move them etc etc. I have enough to do with caring for 2 elderly relatives who do live nearby and 3 young children.
Neither mil nor bil help out with the children when they have visited us in past or when we have visited them. They tend to ignore them
I know i will get slated cos many people will beleive it is nice thing to do; but i personally believe it a jealousy thing..

[bran]

What does your dh think?

There is a big difference between wanting to do something and actually doing it. She may never get around to it, it's a lot of effort to put the house on the market and find a new one. You could be vague about suitable housing you your area, and just generally be less than helpful withough actually saying you don't want them to move. Perhaps your dh could also hint that you are planning to move yourselves in the future.

I would hate to live near my MIL, fortunately that's not likely to happen as she lives in Malaysia, but she's a pain in the neck for her other DIL who does live near her.

[ELR]

i feel for you, i would not like it if my inlaws lived too close, saying you may well move in the future is a good idea

[lostsoxs2]

Dh is between a rock and a hard place! He thinks his mum doesnt see enough of children but fails to see that she doesnt actually do much to help when she can. We both think it would be better if she lived say a hour away then she cant just "pop in".
Think you are right bran, thinking and doing are totally different things, but who knows what she will do. She would defo be more of a help than hindrance!
Am already thinking of areas a good hour away but my knowledge needs brushing up!!
She knows we not likely to move as we just nicely settled in a new house that will be our family home for a good few years. My mum just lives 5 minutes away hence the jealousy.

[lostsoxs2]

sorry, meant more of an hindrance than a help.
defo need to talk to Dh more when it becomes a more definate thing. She would struggle to make friends and would rely on us for social outings and shopping etc.
It is a big thing, especially given they know noone else in the area and would expect us to ferry them about and "entertain them" and generally for our house to become another home for them

[milkchocolate]

Hi,
Do you have to actually involve yourself in their move? THEY are moving, not you, dont make it too easy for them. Let them research areas, find houses, removal agencies, etc. How are they getting their shopping etc done now? You have to step in and manage their expectations, tell MIL you are busy and will not be able to take her shopping, and out etc. If they are not really outgoing, maybe they are keen to just keep themselves to themselves at home in your area too, rather than going on social events. They cannot rely on you for shopping and social life, as as you have a young family.

[lostsoxs2]

They will expect us to help in a big way - with everything. When we go and visit we are expected to take them shopping and ferrying them about to various places.
Mil in particular wants to be wanted but each time a baby has arrived, she has just come to nurse baby and take photos and leave me to wash, iron, cook etc. Not my
idea of helpful guest. No need for me to want her help at all.
They will go out together to the pub or for a meal but i just know Dh especially, will be relied upon to amuse them and we will both be relied upon to do things for them.
Milk chocolate - yes, defo need to manage expectations. The question is how!

[mylittlefreya]

I'd be panicking too.
We don't drive - by choice and circumstance - but do not get taken places by others. Do you live somewhere you can survive without a car? If not, could you "concernedly" point this out?
Agree boundaries is the answer - pref via dh - but so hard to imgine how you do it in practise.

[OrmIrian]

I should make it clear from the very start that you aren't going to be a taxi service/home help for them. By not helping them with the move, other than offering to find them or recommending a removals service.

[fruitful]

Tell her straight. Next time she brings up the subject of moving.

Or offer to look up details of the local bus routes "because you'll need to get a house on a good bus route so you can get to the shops won't you? Its not as if I'll have the time to be your taxi service [false laugh]".

Or tell her how busy / fraught / stressful your life is (in great detail). Mention some new activity you wanted to take up but you just don't have the time.

Wax lyrical about all the things your mum does to help and how you couldn't manage without all the things that she does for you.

If they are expecting you to help find a house, I guess if you are spectacularly completely unhelpful and don't lift a finger to help with that, they may get the message? Or at least may never manage to move?

Good luck!

[WriggleJiggle]

On the positive side, it could take them ages to find a house, sell theirs, organise a move ...

By then I'd recomend you find yourself or dh a new job, somewhere 300 miles away from either location .

How does your dh feel about it?

[Scanner]

My in laws talked about moving near to us a while ago, when they put their house on the market we realised how serious they were. DH had a very difficult conversation with his Mum where he outlined what we were and were not prepared to do to help them as they get older. So he explained that we would be happy to help out with jobs in their home, get the shopping, pop in to see they were ok and generally be on hand. However, if they needed personal care, ie. bathing etc we didn't feel that we would be able to do it.

It was a very hard chat to have, but we felt that if they were going to up sticks and leave all their friends we should all be clear on what we expected of each other. Shortly after they changed their minds, saying they felt they were too old for such a big change. I don't know if it had anything to do with the chat. I felt that although I ran the risk of them thinking badly of me now, it was better than letting them down once they'd moved.

Could your dh try something simila?

[lostsoxs2]

i dont think they would be able to move too near to us - ie within a mile as it is very rare houses come up for sale. But, the thought of them within 20 minutes of my home fills me with dread!
Fruitful - mil knows how busy i am but fails to acknowledge it really. She says the right things "oh i can babysit" but then when it comes to it has made other plans or watches the kids whilst we nip out but when we get back, something has happened - minor accident or not been fed etc.
wriggle jiggle - dh thinks it would be better for them to be nearer so they can see kids etc but like i say they have little time for any of them whenever an opportunity has presented itself. I need to make dh see that too, but that's another AIBU!!
Scanner - that sounds like a painful scenario and you were right to tackle it head on. Will speak to dh when the time is right and see what expectations he has etc. Wish me luck!

[hotbot]

Im going to be harsh, its dhs mum and dad , not yours, a lot of men will not confront the issue unless it affects them, so i would make it perfectly clear in a nice way that any running about is down to him, not you, you already have plenty on your plate, perhaps then he will be more relaistic about what this move may entail.
good luck

[Holly29]

I completely sympathise. I actually love my MIL and FIL very much but I would go crazy if they announced they wanted to move near to me.

My view (shared by others) is that the chat you need to have is with your DH. You need a proper sit down chat during which you discuss how you see your lives going, ie what your long term plan is with elderly relatives etc. You need to be honest with him, i.e. you need to say:

(1) I like your Mum very much (best to lie here) but my priority is (a) our kids (b) other older relatives nearby

(2) Your Mum doesn't drive and I really do not and cannot spare the time to ferry her around/look after her

(3) I'm sorry if that makes me sound bad, but I'm being honest and it's better to say it now than let her down when she's actually moved

(4) If she does decide to move near to us (which after all, no one can stop) we will have to set ground rules. This means (and then set out your list). I will stick to these rules at all times, because I need them for my own sanity. I have needs too and one of them is having some time off/peace in my own home

(5) We need to have this ground rules chat with your Mum before she makes any life-changing decisions.

Hope this helps. You have my sympathy, and I agree that ultimately it is DH's issue and not yours. If he doesn't want to do what you suggest he will have to be responsible for his own Mum...

[lostsoxs2]

Thanks holly & Hotbot. In particular like the idea of ground rules and expectations. Defo need to make dh aware of how much of a change it would be as i dont think he has given it much thought in terms of the future and how demanding such a situation will be.
I am not sure if i made it clear earlier - it's mil and bil. Fil has remarried sometime ago with own family elsewhere.
In addition, Bil has minor disabilities that would prevent him living alone. Thus as time goes on, he will eventually become a bigger responsibilty to us as neither mil or fil have put anything aside for his care once anything happens to them. I know i sound very selfish but i was hoping to maybe have a few years where i didnt have to look after anyone - kids, elderly relatives etc. But it looks like that isnt going to happen.

[MadMumsy]

Sorry just started to read this thread but when my MIL moved near us I found it was DH that was the problem. He was always round there, for coffee, to put up shelves, to mow the grass and anything that she wanted - even change the lightbulbs.

Try turning things around and mention that he will have to do everything for them as you are too busy - it sounds as though you have enough on your hands at the moment as it is.

Us women always seems to be put on - what is the matter with us - tell them NO, NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!!!

[beckybrastraps]

If your BIL needs care then plans for his future need to be made as a matter of some urgency surely? He, you and your dh and your PIL need to have a good talk about that I reckon.

[Judy1234]

You say you're expected to. You don't have to meet those expectations. If you and your husband do you only have yourselves to blame. Just don't meet the expectations. Say by all means move but we won't be able to offer any transport and here's a leaflet from the council about learning to cycle at age 70 etc. and say great - you can joint the child care rota with my mother. You'll be baby sitting 3 nights a week and doing 2 afternoons and you'' have the children for a week in August when we're going away alone.

[Holly29]

Lostsox

I feel VERY strongly that you should not give up the dreams you have of having a time in your life when you are no longer 'looking after' anyone except yourself!

It is NOT selfish to want to do your own thing. I think this chat with your DH is pretty crucial, you need to also discuss your BIL and how he feels about one day having to look after him full time. I'm sure he won't be up for it either. This is NOT selfish. You deserve to be happy and have your own space in your own home. Much as sometimes Xenia goes a bit far ( to Xenia) she's right on this one!

[LoveMyGirls]

wait til they move and then move

[hotbot]

Holly, completely agree, its ok to expect a life of your own at some point...and it isnt selfishbil may not be able to look after himself but would he enjoy or be able to live in a decent independent living shelter? Now may be the time to start if you dont want your mature years planned out for you

[lostsoxs2]

Hi all,
thanks for your comments. I had an incident today with one of the elderly relatives which has made things a bit clearer today for dh. He has noticed how much i do for them and how little time i have for myself. I commented that i was not prepared to continue caring for people for the rest of my life.
I think Dh is aware that they need to be more self-reliant and not rely on us for things. Today mil rang as she had a problem with her shower. As madmumsy points out, if they live local, it will be never ending and he will be forever there and not a husband and a father!
I will point this out as he wont realise just how demanding it will be.
bil would be fine in a sheltered housing type complex and cope fine with support.
Xenia - would love her to help with the kids, but it just wouldnt work...