To expect DH's ex to tell us when DSD has head lice?

[Emprexia]

This is an on-going arguement and i'm after some input.

Twice before we've gone to pick up my step-daughter from her mothers and have found out roughly 3 or 4 hours later, that my SD has head-lice!!!

As far as i'm concerned, i feel that its ex's responsibility to tell us that she has them, bearing in mind i have waist-length hair, and not just that, i feel we shouldn't be picking her up until ex has de-loused her!!

DH doesn't agree, as i don't necessarily come into close enough contact with SD unless we're both at the computer for them to transfer - he doesn't think it should matter, and as it happens, i've never gotten them after a visit, but i don't think thats the point.

AIBU??

[redtoenails]

no she should tell you but I suspect many exP would love to infect their exp new dh/w

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

Yes you probably are. Unless she knows that her DD has headlice and is deliberately not telling you, chances are she hasn't noticed.

All depends on how old your SD is as well - if she washes her own hair, then it's even less likely she'll notice.

I wouldn't assume she'll actively want her DD to walk around with lice - if my dc's have them, I wet comb every day and would want anyone caring for them to do the same, just to ensure new eggs aren't laid.

[Flame]

I try to keep on top of DD, but then suddenly you realise they are back and you didn't notice. Its probably not intentional.

[Emprexia]

Oh, ex knows SD has them, we checked that!

[GiantSquirrelSpotter]

How did you check? Rang up and asked? And she said "yes I knew she had them but decided not to mention it"?



Very discourteous if so

[juuule]

YABU. If you are concerned check her hair yourself or get her dad to check. Headlice are notoriously difficult to get rid of and you are being very unreasonable to suggest that sd doesn't visit unless she is clear of them. Help her to get rid of them. Tie your hair up to avoid catching them.

[SofiaAmes]

You are so totally not being unreasonable. I have been there!!!! My dh's ex sent his kids every weekend for close to a year with lice. Every weekend, I would have to comb their hair, my hair and my ds' hair. Dh has skinhead so not an issue for him. I caught them and ds (18mo at the time) caught them. I was pregnant and couldn't even use the shampoo, but had to try to comb my own long wavy and uncombable hair. It was awful. And it was very very clear that dh's ex was doing it on purpose. I finally put my foot down (after almost a year) and said that dh was going to go up there (2 hour drive) to pick up the kids and do a head check. If they had the lice when he arrived, he was going to turn around and come back without them. He only had to do that once, before his ex realised that we were serious and got rid of the lice once and for all. Getting rid of lice can really only be done if you systematically and regularly comb all the members of the family for hours until the eggs and lice are all gone. Dh's ex never wanted to be bothered doing this. (didn't help that she had 4 other children in the house besides dh's 2, so it was a lot of work.)
A child is not supposed to go to school if they have lice because other kids can catch them. She certainly shoudln't be sent to you without at least a warning and you being give the choice of whether you wish to either treat the lice or just put up with them.
By the way, it certainly helps to make sure that your hair is always completely tied up when you are around your sd and that her hair is always completely tied up too.
And make sure you check yourself regularly for weeks and weeks after you are sure that hers are all gone. Much easier to catch them when you only have a few than when you are riddled.

[Emprexia]

Sobernow - No, i'm not, i'm suggesting her mother should try to make an attempt to de-louse her before we pick her up, and if not, to at least let us know she has them when we go to fetch her.

Last time we asked SD how long she'd had them and if anything had been done about them, her answer..

Two days, yep, she'd had them for two days!! and apparently her mom was going to do her and her half-sister that night because she hadn't been bothered to get any lice shampoo, or even make an attempt to get rid of them via wet combing/conditioner.

I wouldn't even dream of letting my kids go anywhere without warning the carer that they have head-lice.

[edam]

Sofia, can't remember where you live, but in the UK headlice are absolutely not a reason for staying off school. And there are other options as well as combing - Hedrin, for instance. Agree it's mean of ex-wife not to give warning, though.

[juuule]

Children are not excluded from school for headlice.

[Emprexia]

Juule - i know how bad they are, im a TA and the kids i work with get them a lot, i keep my hair tied back at work all the time and check myself regularly incase i've picked them up from school.

Having had them enough times myself, i hate the things, they give me the creeps, i dont think its unreasonable to expect at least some communication from DH's ex when we pick SD up that she has them.

If she didn't know, then i wouldn't mind, i'd just deal with it, its the fact she KNOWS and still doesn't tell us because she doesn't think its important!

[juuule]

Hedrin and similar treatments can be used in pregnancy. I have neices with long, tight curly hair. Their mother has no problem getting a nit-comb through it when covered in conditioner. Perhaps you could try that.

[SofiaAmes]

And just to respond to what others have said...it's one thing if it happens once and yes, your dh should take her and do the combing himself. But if it keeps happening then there is a problem in the house where sd is residing that needs to be resolved.
And in any case it's completely unacceptable that his ex did not let you know that she had them. Sounds completely purposeful to me.
I have a 4 year old dd and her hair is always tied up when she is at school or around other chidlren and I regularly check her for nits. She has never caught them and if she did, I would certainly know about it and deal with it long before it became a major problem. Nits are not hard to get rid of if you are diligent about checking for them and do the hard work to comb them out instead of just spraying a bit of mousse and thinking that's going to do all the work for you (what dh's ex did).

[NKF]

I think making headlice in children a bone of contention between ex and current spouses is an unpleasant thing to do. Whatever she is doing, I would try to rise above it.

[NKF]

Also some people are more relaxed about nits than others. To be honest, I never realised until I came on MN that it was considered reasonable to be cross that someone hadn't told you their kids had them before a playdate.

[scorpio1]

This happens to me regularly.

we comb his hair and use lice shampoo. Once, i asked her why, and it turned out she couldnt afford the shampoo,despite our maintenance arrangement, and couldnt go to the docs because of her working hours. she had no-one else. We bought her some and she used it, to her credit. We have politely said that we would just like to be told if he has/has recently had headlice because of the other dcs.that is her responsability, if she knows they have them.

i know how exasperating this is....

basically, i think if you seee them on her whilst she is with you, its also your responsability - she is yours too.

[lizziemun]

juuule

My DD is at pre school and part of the consitution is that if your children has or is found to have then they will ring you to collect them and to keep them away until they have cleared up. I have used a tea tree shampoo and conditioner on dd and so far we have been clear of then.

Kaishay

I have to say reading your profile as your SD is 14 isn't she old enough to sort her own hair, rather then the mother.

[bonkerz]

Definately NOT being unreasonsable. I have also been through this.

DSD would turn up here EVERY weekend with NIts and EVERY weekend we would treat her and also us. Was costing us a small fortune. We would always inform EX immediately that we had treated DSD and she was clear BUT EX other dayught would still have them and DSD would just get reinfected!!!!!

In the end we told EX that if DSD turned up with nits again we would deduct the money we were spending from maintenance! VOILA DSD has been nit free ever since!!

DSD used to say mummy knew she had nits but just used vegetable oil and a comb on a sunday night!!! That obviously didnt work!

[SofiaAmes]

14!!!!! I was assuming you were talking about a much much younger child (4-8). That's pretty unusual for a child that age to get nits. Is there a younger child in the home? If not, once they are dealt with properly seems unlikely that she should catch them again. Nits don't jump, they walk from head to head. Or hairbrush to head. 14 year olds don't play with their heads together, so probably didn't happen that way, but they do share hairbrushes and hats, so maybe she needs reminding of how you catch nits.
And agree with lizziemum, at that age she needs to participate in the process. It's not supereasy to comb your own hair, but she could certainly partially do it. And you could ask her to check your hair in return for checking hers (maybe that will engage her a bit more). And at 14 she can open her own mouth and tell you herself that she has nits herself...shouldn't be entirely on the mom.

I am in the usa...and like in the uk kids don't get excluded from state school for nits, but they do from private school and nurseries. But even at state school, if they discover that a child has nits, they are required to send a note home informing all the parents that nits are present in the classroom.

[SofiaAmes]

Vegetable oil, or conditioner and a comb will work, but only if you do it for hours every day for at least 3 weeks (life span of the bugs) and then do weekly checks thereafter. Lack of money is not an excuse.