Am I Being Ungrateful?

[Topsy44]

Just spoken to my DM and she said quite excitedly that 'next time we see you have got something for you. It's a gift of a side table/dresser and chair for your spare room.' She said that when her and my Dad stayed over at Xmas they didn't have anywhere to put their clothes in my spare room so have decided to buy me some furniture! It's second hand and pine - I don't like pine!

My first reaction is annoyance. My parents are lovely and I know their hearts are in the right place but if I had wanted to buy some furniture I would have brought it myself!! My DH passed away 3 years ago and I have a 5 year old dd, am not working at the moment but planning to v soon and money is a bit tight but not drastically so. They have been an amazing support to me but starting to feel like my Mum is taking things a step further by choosing furniture for me.

I did say to her would you mind me saying if I don't like it and she said yes, of course please do. But I can't help thinking if I do she will feel a bit crushed but I'm worried if I don't it could give her a green light for getting me other stuff I don't want.

Can't work out if I'm being ungrateful?

[Arcadia]

She means well but I think she should have let you have some input into choosing what to buy.

[EmeraldScorn]

I hate pine but you could paint it to suit the room.

[SeaCabbage]

Could be a slippery slope.

If she had said to you, we didn't have anywhere to put our clothes, would you like us to buy you a piece of furniture for your spare room, that would have been much kinder.

What she has done seems much more controlling and manipulative. /she is thinking of her own needs, not yours.

I would check again that you can say if you don't like it, before you go and see it. And then if you don't like it you can say so whilst ramming home the fact that it was a nice thought but it would be much better if she had those thoughts in future to check with you first.

If she then does check with you first next time then that's a great result. Do you think that is likely or does she tend to ride roughshod?

[Musicaltheatremum]

My PIL bought my my husband and me a coffee table in 1989/90. I hated it from the moment I got it but had to ooh and aah at it for years. My MIL hasn't been to our house for 5 years as she is now 93 and my husband has died so I finally gave it to a friend as she wanted it.
I now need to buy a new one but will choose my own.

We have also inherited a lot of family furniture from them. Beautiful stuff and we do have an old house so it fits in but I have got rid/sold some stuff over the years.
When she dies there is a lot of furniture that needs splitting between my children (now husband has died) and my husbands brother.

I think furniture is very personal and they should have asked you.

[hooliodancer]

Difficult. She is obviously trying to be nice. Maybe she feels a gift of an actual thing is less patronising than giving you the money or asking you to choose? Especially as she clearly thinks you need that particular thing!

If you don't like it, you could paint it. I have transformed some nasty looking furniture recently with chalk paint (Annie Sloan is the original and best or you can get the Rustoleum version in Homebase!) It now looks great and was very easy to do- you don't even need to prepare the wood, you just slap it on.

Can you be open with her about how you are feeling? Basically saying directly what you said in your post? You could accept this thing this one time (and paint it!) then set your boundaries.

[Ilovecaindingle]

hooliodancer did you not prime /base /topcoat?

[hooliodancer]

No, the whole point of Annie Sloan paint is you don't have to! You can apply a coat of wax afterwards, or a varnish.

[misshelena]

Has she bought it already? Next time, tell her you want to go shopping together!

[Topsy44]

Thank you for all your responses. Reassuring to know that it's not just me that thinks my MUm could have checked with me first before buying furniture which I expect is in her taste and not mine! But I do know she means well and I guess I'm just worried about hurting her feelings.

Hooliodancer, that is a great suggestion about the paint. I hadn't heard about that brand before. I am due to see my parents next weekend so will initially suggest I go to their house so if I really don't like the furniture it can stay there. If it's okish will paint it and talk to my Mum about buying things before I've even mentioned I might want something!

Thanks again ladies,

[Bluntness100]

I'd agree on the chalk paint, I did some crappy old pine furniture in chalk paint in a very pale winter grey, (it was rustins brand) and it's really lovely. As the previous poster said, it doesn't even need preparing.

By the way, I don't wax on top of chalk paint , as I've never found it's needed, especially not in spare room furniture, and it means you can reprint without sanding in the future.

I think she was probably just being nice, so unless she's a big lover of pine and would be upset if it was painted, I wouldn't be concerned and just be delighted the spare room will be furnished.

[harderandharder2breathe]

She means well and it's your guest room so not as if you have to spend much time looking at it.