AIBU to think not every issue a child has needs to be sorted out by parents.

[Namechangebitch]

Every little problem a child has with MIL, school, teacher, friend has to he sorted out by parents it seems. Parents need to wade in to solve the issue. Every problem needs a resolution.

I'm sure when I was young (cliche ??) we were just left to sort stuff out ourselves. Now obviously there were some draw backs to this, bullying, child abuse, being forced to have showers at school.......

But has the pendulum swung too far? Would a little bit of benign neglect do kids the world of good? They might have to solve their own problems. Sometimes everything isn't sorted out in life, you don't get invited to every one of life's metaphorical parties. If you did something wrong and you were told off by a relative/teacher/ stranger and you got upset, so what? Behave.

Not sure I agree with myself totally, but the urge to rush in all guns blazing, all the time can't be good. Just have a polite word with the teacher or just don't?

[TeenAndTween]

I think it depends on the age of the child, the character of the child, and the issue.
Sometimes children need to be told to get over it.
Sometimes they need support in sorting things out themselves.
Sometimes they need an advocate on their behalf.

[GnomeDePlume]

bullying, child abuse, being forced to have showers at school.......

I dont think that describing these as drawbacks is trivialising these..

If they dont get involved how are parents supposed to separate the serious from the trivial? I grew up in an era of 'benign' neglect. It meant I felt unable to tell my parents when I had a sleazy driving instructor with roving hands. I didnt think they would care or do anything.

[GnomeDePlume]

Sorry, I do think that describing bullying, child abuse, being forced to have showers at school....... as drawbacks is trivialising them.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Issue by issue, surely?

"Benign neglect" as an overriding policy is a bad idea; deciding that this particular issue is something your child can deal with themselves isn't.

[DeleteOrDecay]

YABU. And describing bullying and child abuse as 'drawbacks' minimises the issues you describe.

It's good that parents are more involved to offer their dc support and guidance when needed. That's what parents are there for.

[MrsDustyBusty]

I think it depends. Children do need help sometimes, but I think they need direction to learn to sort things out - chats, small steps to follow through, whatever, to gain experience and confidence in handling situations themselves. This is harder and more time consuming than just wading in.

Also, children develop at unequal rates and parents do know their own child and where they are best so sometimes getting in there is the right thing.

However, marching in to teacher because your child has been punished for something that you know they're not only capable of but very likely to do is a mistake.

[redexpat]

Well lets go with spirit of the op rather than the letter.

Helicopter parents is what youre talking about. The danes call them curling children because their parents smooth the way for them.

Its sometimes tricky to know when to draw the line. One persons pushy parent is another persons assertive parent. One persons hands off let them figure it out parenting is someone elses neglect.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

I agree, they don't have enough space to gain any resilience in life. The argy bargy of playing out, learning to negotiate, stand up for yourself, knowing when to shut up & accept defeat, accepting life isn't always fair...all the things we learnt by playing out, parents supporting the school & teachers, not being hovered over in the playground etc. Kids are missing out on that development, then freaking out at uni, sometimes with very dire consequences. We're doing them no favours.

[Namechangebitch]

bullying, child abuse, being forced to have showers at school......

By juxtaposing the very serious with the less serious I was using humour to make a point. It's a relatively common linguistic technique. I apologise if I caused any distress or confusion.

You could always get your parents to complain to MNHQ if you think I am being mean.

[Namechangebitch]

MrsDustyBusty you make an excellent point. Giving advice and guiding gently is sooooo much more time consuming. A ten minute 'conversation' with the offending party is quicker and gives a sense of having 'done something'.

I think that is the point I was getting at, wading in is not necessary, but neither is ignoring the situation. Children need help to handle situations on their own. Always expecting someone to help you is not a good life skill.

[TealGiraffe]

I do agree that children can't seem to sort anything themselves. In my primary school i'm constantly getting "miiiiiiiiiss! They said this / won't play the game right / looked at me / is talking to me and i don't like them today, etc"

Unless someone is actually being excluded nastily or hurt, my response is just "you are 10 years old, you can sort it amongst yourselves / i'm not interested / don't play with them if you don't like them"

It's ridiculous petty tale telling 99.9% of the time. Then you get mum ringing "can you move their place in class / make sure they don't play with this child / let them sit with xyz on the swimminh bus"

No. i fucking can't because it's a class of 32. And they will be besties by tomorrow. Like last week.

[TealGiraffe]

The older staff in the school regularly complain about the fact that kids today are wet... can't cope with anything. Still bursting into tears in y6 because you told them to stop chatting in a lesson.

In one way they are completely babied, yet they all have iphones / internet access / play 18 games etc. Really weird

[WorraLiberty]

The danes call them curling children because their parents smooth the way for them.

Haha! I love that!

[Basicbrown]

I think most of the time it's better for dc to sort stuff out themselves. Even bullying at early stages - for example dd had an issue last year with some friends running away at playtime, we talked through how she should deal with it and it worked. She also dealt with a girl who was making nasty comments about her school work recently. If the child can't resolve it then that's different but learning strategies to deal with situations is really important. The other children also respect them for standing up for themselves.

I also don't agree with 'dc should never get upset', eg by being told not to do stuff by other adults. Very difficult stuff will happen in life, they will meet unpleasant people and they need to learn how to react in different situations. Avoiding them until you are 16 or making out that a child is especially sensitive helps no one. I'm sure that there are various SEN that makes the above a million times more challenging and I'm not pretending to have experience of this before I get jumped on.

[brasty]

Totally agree OP. Watching the Secret Life of 4 and 5 year olds is very interesting. The kids are largely left to get on with things themselves, and it is illuminating how much some learn even within a week. Such as how to lose gracefully. If adults swoop in to resolve very minor setbacks all the time, children do not learn important lessons and are less resilient.

Also children learn things from their peers they can never learn from adults. Playing with an adult is an unequal relationship. Adults will indulge your ordering about, in a way other children will not. That is why it is crucial children get to play together relatively unhindered by adults.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

I agree with you OP - of course children need 'a voice' and to feel able to speak up if there is something serious that needs adult intervention. However, they also need to learn how to navigate their own way in the world, learn how to deal with difficult friends and fallings out without being mollycoddled through every tiny thing. A few knocks, bashes and scrapes are character building. I remember our eldest DS having some problems with a boy in year 5 - we would talk about it but he would say 'it's fine mummy I think I can handle it' .. so I let him. Didn't go into the school, didn't get the teacher to intervene but made it clear to DS that I would if he needed me to. He resolved the issue on his own and was empowered through doing so.

[Wolfiefan]

I think children need support from their parents. BUT that doesn't have to be demanding to see the Head and alerting OFSTED as the child on the table next to yours won't share the red pencil!
We need to enable children to see the difference between bullying and silliness and downright abuse. We need to give them strategies. What to do if someone hits you, touches you in a way you don't like or even just takes the toy you are playing with.
My kids will leave home one day, go into the workplace and maybe even be a continent away. They need to develop autonomy and independence. But not all at once.

[VintagePerfumista]

Generally speaking I agree with the OP.

There are threads on MN about parents going in to speak to employers! And the whole university thing. Back in the day, your Mum took you on the train for your interview (maybe) and sent you a box of Angel Delight and Bean feast once your grant ran out. Now, (on MN at least) parents are as involved in their kids' uni experience as they are at primary school.

We are breeding generations who will never be emotionally independent.

I also never dared tell my Mum if I was told off at school because I'd get told off even more. Now I'd obviously expect my Mum to head straight over to AIBU about how the teacher hated me and was a good for nothing layabout and where are the governors????

[Basicbrown]

Now I'd obviously expect my Mum to head straight over to AIBU about how the teacher hated me and was a good for nothing layabout and where are the governors????

But not to worry she'd still get ripped to shreds on aibu even in 2016

[Ditsyprint40]

I agree OP. At school, we encourage children to try and resolve Fall outs between themselves before going to adults (friendship issues this is, not bullying). They're too use to being mean to a friend, telling all their friends and putting it on social media then expecting adults to drop everything to resolve it. Equipping them with the skills to resolve conflict and expecting them to try to resolve Fall outs is far more beneficial. So many kids are far too reliant.

[NiceFalafels]

I think the best solution is often to support the child to resolve the situation. However there are circumstances where parents certainly should advocate on behalf of their children. I firmly don't believe neglect is the way forward, although I can see it suits disinterested/busy parents. The children I know raised this way struggle with social eticate (even basic taking turns) and considering others feelings or what's fair.

[Namechangebitch]

It is noticeable that many of the people agreeing with me are teachers.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Teal. Totally agree with 'wet'. I don't know how anyone who grew up in the 70's copes with working in schools now and it's not just the children& their parents...it's the whole Ofsted, over the top 'Safeguarding', over the top 'Health & Safety' etc.

[Namechangebitch]

Benign neglect in relation to some external issues.

I am not advocating dressing them in rags and forgetting to feed them!

I have come across students who have moved schools 4 or 5 times because of bullying. Perhaps if they had developed skills to deal with it independently the moves might not have been necessary. Clearly these students need advice and guidance, just not wading in, complaining to teachers and moving the student.

[Basicbrown]

The thing is that neglect would be dismissing the issues entirely. Providing advice and support is a different way of taking care of them.