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AIBU?

To be uncomfortable about this good deed?

22 replies

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 16:06

The next town to mine is one where people from this town move to once they've "made it". Good schools, housing up to 50% more expensive, fancy shops, lots of restaurants etc. People there are very proud to be from that town and not mine Grin (I work there!)

Anyway in recent weeks a rough sleeper has taken up residence on the high street. The response from locals has varied from disgraceful, we don't want that in our town to what lovely things can we do for him.

I know the street pastors who are on duty at night and they know him well. They (and others) give him food and clothing and have offered him help to access housing/shelters etc. He does not want this. For his own reasons (which may or not be related to his MH) he prefers to stay on the street.

Someone very well meaning has set up a campaign to raise enough money to put him in a hotel over Christmas, but no-one has asked him if he'd like that.

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about the whole thing?

OP posts:
toconclude · 10/12/2016 16:11

YANBU. MH issues or not, he gets to say what he wants/needs. Assuming that he wants what they would want in the same position is a mistake.

Shelters can be scary places if you're vulnerable; however whether that's behind his reluctance or not, someone should still ask, if they haven't.

EmeliaHerveyHenryFitzroy · 10/12/2016 16:14

YANBU at all.

OldSaintKnickerless · 10/12/2016 16:15

YANBU, do you know the people involved and why they haven't asked him?

It's patronising to assume that you know what somebody wants/needs more than they do themselves.

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 16:18

I think he hadn't been asked because the person you set up the crowfindong thingy has never actually spoken to him.

I wonder what would happen if they booked a fancy hotel for him and he turned up to stay there for Christmas. Reaction from staff/management/other guests?

I've definitely seen bars move on people who look and behave like he does.

OP posts:
EmeliaHerveyHenryFitzroy · 10/12/2016 16:23

Can you ask the organiser if she's asked him if he'd like to stay in a hotel over Christmas?

EmeliaHerveyHenryFitzroy · 10/12/2016 16:24

Sorry you say she hasn't asked. But could someone else have asked?

How can you raise your concerns without coming across as a twat?

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 16:27

I have asked if he's been asked, hoping to show the seed that someone should. He definitely hasn't been asked.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 10/12/2016 16:28

If you know the street pastors, can't you discuss it with them?

EmeliaHerveyHenryFitzroy · 10/12/2016 16:28

We had a kind of similar thing here in my London borough. But thankfully a lot of the campaigning was going on online in the borough web page. So eventually a charity worker who knew the homeless fellow quite well wrote a long and very educational piece for the people who were trying to raise money for the man.

The charity worker had been working with the man for a few years and the man would not have wanted money for a hostel which was what was being planned.

The money was donated to the charity instead.

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 16:28

Sow the seed....

OP posts:
semideponent · 10/12/2016 16:29

YANBU. I wish I could remember when I heard the radio programme this week about a man who had gone from sleeping rough to having a home through (I think) The Passage charity. He was sticking with it but it was clear it had been/still was hard and that ongoing support was necessary. Yes, he had wanted help, but change was not an easy thing. The charity's main offering was supplying a housing deposit, to get people over the biggest obstacle - but follow-up care was almost as important.

They are only being reasonable if he wants it and they understand that such a move may cause all sorts of other difficulties he might need help with - and are willing to pitch in themselves and also prepared for the failure of their project.

What I heard on the programme reminded me that giving homeless people food and a hot drink is sometimes the best thing you can do for them because they are (usually) able to accept it. People can fall through the cracks of large-scale solutions; it's necessary to find out what people really want and what the obstacles are from their point of view.

FurryLittleTwerp · 10/12/2016 16:50

He's obviously making the lovely town look a bit scruffy - let's tidy him away for Christmas, so as not to ruin the festive perfection...

Angry Confused Shock

SignOnTheWindow · 10/12/2016 17:12

I think I know which town you're talking about.

YANBU. He doesn't want to go and has refused help of rehousing.

Shallishanti · 10/12/2016 17:18

YANBU
its a very 'easy' response isn't it, and is more about the donors wanting to feel good than the needs of the recipient

PrettySophisticated · 10/12/2016 17:49

I'm finding myself worried about what happens if they "succeed" and get him to agree to go.

What's the likelihood that a "nice" hotel would let him stay? (with his drinking, shouty swearing and dirty scruffy clothes). I can just imagine "respectable" guests who've splashed out on Christmas in a hotel with extended family etc loving that.

And, for that matter how would they get it booked now?

OP posts:
WhiteChocolateLindorPlease · 10/12/2016 23:21

And, for that matter how would they get it booked now?

That was my thought. Hotels get booked up very quickly over xmas. The chances of finding him a room now are pretty low.

Giving the benefit of the doubt it sounds like someone had good intentions but hasn't really thought it through

LilQueenie · 11/12/2016 00:28

is he actually on the streets overnight? I've known of 'homeless' people to sit on the streets all day knowing fine well they have a house and claiming benefits. Weird I know but it happens.

Notsure1234 · 11/12/2016 00:38

Lil I can believe that!

A few months ago I was waiting for dh to pick me up from town. A guy pulled up in his 14 plate BMW, parked and then sat on the floor outside a shop. Out of his bag he pulled a sleeping bag, a cap for money and a piece of card asking for donations. I was speechless

stankeryhank · 11/12/2016 00:59

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/homeless-couple-trash-hotel-room-7173547

I remember reading this with horror. Not because of what the homeless couple did, but because of the lack of thought (however well intentioned) towards what they actually wanted

springydaffs · 11/12/2016 01:02

Makes me absolutely cringe, op. YANBU

WyfOfBathe · 11/12/2016 01:04

Lil I expect that this man is genuine, if the street pastors know him well. Pretty has said that the street pastors in her town only work at night, and in my own experience they're very good at identifying vulnerable people?

I would find that very uncomfortable as well, OP, is the fundraiser part of any group (like a church or WI) whose leader you could approach to have a quiet word? Otherwise, can you speak to the Street Pastors so that they can either pre-warn the homeless man or speak to the fundraiser?

rightsaidfrederickII · 11/12/2016 13:04

YANBU

Homeless people have a pretty good idea of what they want / need at that point in time. I periodically offer to buy something for a homeless person sat near a supermarket when I'm on the way in - on the principle that that way they're getting something they need, but the money can't be spent on alcohol or drugs. Often, the responses are things I'd never considered before - like the man who asked for some candles, as he used them to heat and light his tent overnight. I checked he had a safe candle holder so they wouldn't get knocked over and cause chaos, and he looked thrilled when I brought them back out again.

Similarly, O2 Priority gives out a free hot drink from Caffe Nero each week. When I don't really want mine that day, I'll find a homeless person sat near a branch and ask them what they'd like from the selection on offer - and they always look quite happy that they've been asked what they like, rather than just had someone assume.

Rather like the stories of aid being spent in developing countries on things that they don't need or want, or won't work in that region for whatever reason (Playpumps are a good example) I'm a great believer in asking people what would be useful for them, rather than foisting your assumptions on them...

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