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AIBU?

Major Dh problems

32 replies

Mummyto2girliesxx · 10/12/2016 13:08

I'm new here so sorry if this sounds a bit amature.
This is probably going to turn out in a long post so thought I'd warn you first.

Me and Dh have been together 15 years and we have had a massive falling out.
We have 2 dd (dd1-10yo) (dd2-3mo) big gap... needed fertility treatment for dd2.

Basically dh likes a night out and don't know when to come home , when we were younger before kids he'd go missing for a few days , always sorry etc. He calmed down after birth of dd1 but now and again he would do it. Several years and arguments later he's basically a changed man, all for his family. lovely. Financially great. We tried for dd2 for 7 years before resorting to treatment which thankfully worked first time and have been blessed with dd2.
Just before he changed for the better , about 5 years ago , an old flame from school got in touch with me through fb. Compliementing me how well I looked and how am I etc. To be honest I felt quite flattered and had a brief conversation which stayed on facebook , he Then started to get a bit too flirty and asked for my number , to that point I stoped replying and left it at that. I know I shouldn't even engaged in a conversation but dh was playing up and I was feeling pretty low and it was a massive confidence boost. I had no intentions of doing anything. Anyway fast forward to 2 years ago and dh went down my phone while I was asleep and saw these messages (totally innocent) at this point they were like 3 years old as I never deleted them as I thought no more about it. He went absolutely crazy insisting that I must have carried on the conversation and met up with him away from facebook. I insisted I didn't do anything and we had a bad couple of weeks but he finally came round and we got back to a good place and started fertility treatment. Everything was lovely , dd was born in August and we've been on cloud 9. However since she's been born I dunno what's wrong with me but I have felt massively jealous of him and insercure, (this is totally out of character for me) there's no specific reason for this as I'm thinner than I've ever been , everyone keeps telling me I look lovely etc... but I can't control this sudden jealousy.
I don't like it when he goes out and have basically ruined his nights out every time . 2 weeks ago he goes out I wasn't happy but decided to act normal and wish him a good night. He didn't come home until midday the next day. I was livid , again arguments were terrible . As you can imagine this did not help with my insecurities.
He promised never to do it again blah blah.
Last night he rings me to tell me his having a few drinks straight from work I say ok . I call him about 9pm to see where he is and he says small pub near where we live. I find out he's in a fancy nightclub towie style , he'd actually sneaked home to dress up while I was at my mums. He doesn't get why I get so angry , Insists that he's doing nothing wrong 'but why lie'
Any I 'ruined' his night 'again' and he walks in at 12 last night sooooo drunk.
He then brings up the past about those messages with the old flame on facebook and how I am a dirty whoe , slg and every other terrible name under the sun. He thinks that I was shagging this man and was saying some terrible disgusting things to me how I don't deserve to be a mum and a lot worse. I haven't slept all night . Thankfully baby didn't wake up during this and dd1 was at her friends for a sleepover. Today we are sat indifferent rooms haven't spoke and I just don't know what to do......
so sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 10/12/2016 13:14

Wait for the scumbag to apologise.

If he doesn't, give him the freedom from the dirty whore that he clearly craves, and kick him out.

Thattimeofyearagain · 10/12/2016 13:17

Tell him to apologise or leave.

Theladyloriana · 10/12/2016 13:19

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

It is never acceptable to verbally abuse anyone in that way.

It is not acceptable to lie and sneak about in the way he did.

It is not acceptable to drink to the point of going missing, being abusive.

Relationships is a good place to get wise help about this kind of thing as aibu can be unnecessarily harsh.

I wish you all the best. Flowers

Mummyto2girliesxx · 10/12/2016 13:44

Thank you I'll post in relationships too.
I'm so hurt I just don't know how to react

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/12/2016 13:44

Tell him to apologise or leave.

No, tell him to apologise and leave.

He doesn't like you OP.

PacificDogwod · 10/12/2016 13:47

Change the locks when he is out - seriously!

Then see how much he values you, your relationship and his family and whether he makes any kind of effort to repair the damage he has done and what kind of assurances he makes about improving things in the future.

He does not sound like a nice person.

StewieGMum · 10/12/2016 13:48

Tell him to leave. You deserve better than a lying scumbag who abuses you.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2016 13:50

You can't just simply change the locks to someone's home. They'll still have a legal right to live there regardless.

EweAreHere · 10/12/2016 13:51

I'd tell him to get out.

How dare he.

Shocking treatment of his wife and mother of his children. Shocking.

TheNaze73 · 10/12/2016 13:52

Why put up with this?

He really doesn't like you

Mummyto2girliesxx · 10/12/2016 13:54

He just makes me feel guilty for messaging this man, it's the only unreasonable thing that I've done to him in 15 years yet he turns it into I'm shagging him and apparently 20 other men as 'I'd get on my back for anyone'. (Only ever slept with him and he knows this)

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/12/2016 14:02

He just wants an excuse to keep treating you like shit by the sounds of it.

ElspethFlashman · 10/12/2016 14:03

He's delighted to have a stick to beat you with.

How can you justify calling him out on his shittiness when you're a dirty whore?

It's the gift that keeps on giving, for him.

He'll be able to use it for the next 20 years.

PacificDogwod · 10/12/2016 14:06

Ok, I"ve calmed down now, was angry on your behalf Smile

No, you cannot just change the lock, but I do think the two of you need some time apart to consider your options and how to go forward from this.

You've just had a baby - congrats, btw!
You had to go through IVF for this - major stress.
You are insecure, understandably.
He's behaving like an entitled arse and his reaction to finding that old FB exchange is waaaaay OTT. It makes him sound rather controlling and insecure himself.

When the dust has settled, I think you would both benefit from some help with how you are feeling and how you are dealing with your life and your relationship. Counselling, together or separately, is likely a good idea for you both.

He does not sound like a nice person - I stand by that statement.

Mummyto2girliesxx · 10/12/2016 14:16

It's so hard because apart from all of this shit. Things are so good. We have 2 lovely girls, get on for most of the time and he can be so lovely which makes this all so hard to deal with. It's like jekell and Hyde. He makes an effort to take me out and buy me things and generally things have been great. I can't be treated like this though. It kills me

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 10/12/2016 14:24

'I'd get on my back for anyone'

What a revolting thing to say. He's being an arsehole.

PacificDogwod · 10/12/2016 14:27

No, you can't and shouldn't be treated like this.

The whole 'but otherwise he is really nice thing' is something so many of us a socialised to accept and it is wrong.
We all recognise what a happy, calm, supportive relationship feels like and this does not sound like one.

How much shit is acceptable in a cup of tea? Exactly - none!

NotTheFordType · 10/12/2016 14:28

I'd get an STI check if I were you, clear case of projection going on there.

MaisieDotes · 10/12/2016 14:35

Congrats on your baby Flowers

You said
since she's been born I dunno what's wrong with me but I have felt massively jealous of him and insercure, (this is totally out of character for me)

Maybe have a chat with your GP as this could be a bit of PND rearing its head.

That's just an aside. Otherwise, what they ^^ all said.

PacificDogwod · 10/12/2016 14:36

Yes, see your GP and be as honest as you have been on here.

Sadly, it is also quite common for abusers to escalate their abuse after a baby has been born, so be safe.

HomeShapedBox · 10/12/2016 14:37

Please do not put up with this type of abuse, he's showing you his true colours here

Like a pp said, he's delighted to have a stick to beat you with, "better not say anything about his benders or he'll start up about this fella again", aye fuck that.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2016 15:15

If he hasn't cheated, he's looking for justification to cheat. Don't tell me he gets all fancied up and goes to a nightclub to chat and down a few with his mates.

What he said was disgusting. And what he's thinking is even worse. I think you should tell him that what he said has hurt you to the core and that he needs to be elsewhere for a few days/a week/forever, whatever you feel would help you to digest and process.

If you feel you want to stay in this marriage, you and he both need counseling. As individuals and as a couple. I don't mind my DH having a night out with his friends every so often (and vice versa) but both of us understand 'our rules' for being out for a night and if we say we'll be home at XX o'clock then we are home at XX o'clock!

FYI-now that he's looked through your phone, I'd suggest that you go through it and any other devices and wipe the histories and delete any messaging and FB posts from anyone that might sound in any way as if they could be interpreted wrongly. Because I guarantee you that he will be searching for more 'ammo'.

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Fairylea · 10/12/2016 15:28

It's not normal for a family man to go out and get so shitfaced he doesn't even appear until midday the following day. I don't care what anyone says, that just reeks of selfishness and immaturity. I know because I was the female version of that when my dd (now teenage) was small. I was trying to escape from the reality of being a parent.

You don't deserve him speaking to you like that. He sounds horribly abusive.

SeriousSteve · 10/12/2016 15:42

He's told you what he really thinks. Believe him and boot him out.

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/12/2016 15:56

I agree with pp who said he sounds like he's projecting. You need an sti check and you need to kick this misogynistic shitbag to the kerb.

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