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AIBU?

To not tell my family to buy less Christmas presents?

20 replies

onedayimightforget · 09/12/2016 19:44

My family have always done lots of Christmas presents - usually one big one, a few medium ones and lots of little ones. A lot of thought and effort goes into the gifts but they will also ask what the recipient would like and get that. My ILs do things differently - they just buy the one thing you have asked them to get. Me and DH do things more like my family and buy a number of presents for each person.

Now that we have children, the difference when it comes to gift giving is more obvious. While we are trying to teach our daughter that Christmas isn't just about presents (she's not yet 3 but we're trying!) I think my DH feels embarrassed as the difference is so noticeable. Two years ago he wanted my family to hide all but one present when his family were there and then to give the others after his family left. Last year we saw them on separate occasions so it was fine but this year, although they won't see each other, DD is more in to the whole thing and I'm worried she'll notice the difference and say something (in the tactless way that toddlers do).

The only way that I can see of avoiding any kind of embarrassment is to ask my family to do the same as my ILs and just buy one gift, but I know they love giving gifts and spending the time choosing things that people will really love. I don't want anyone to have their feelings hurt or feel awkward about anything. DH had made comments about my family going over the top but I don't know if I should say something directly to them. What would you do?

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Lariflete · 09/12/2016 19:47

No don't ask them to do that. If your daughter says anything, just say that people do things differently and leave it at that. I've always found gift giving is about both parties - in fact I get more joy out of giving presents than receiving them and to ask your family to change would be hurtful.
Not to mention they've probably done their shopping already!

Stayingcalminpublic · 09/12/2016 19:51

IMO grandparents get a lot of pleasure from going over the top at Christmas.

My mum does the same as your DH's family, but my in-laws spend a fortune. Your DD will not mind and will be very happy with his family's gifts too.

gamerwidow · 09/12/2016 19:57

I would just let both sides of the family do their own thing and not make a big deal about it. My mum buys DD one present for Christmas worth about £30 but DH parents must spend well over £100 and get her a main present plus lots of little presents. DD doesn't judge my mum negatively because of the smaller gift. She loves all her grandparents regardless of what she is bought.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 09/12/2016 19:58

No don't ask them to stop, that's not fair on anyone. You'll all be fine, just tell dd to shhhh and pass around more booze. Sorted.

MooPointCowsOpinion · 09/12/2016 20:02

Just to add in speaking from experience, my parents get one present (about £40) and my husband's family go mental with presents taking hours to open and costing hundreds.

Never crossed any of our minds to care, I've mumbled a few reassuring things to my mum a few times over the years so she knows we appreciate and value her gifts. MIL always looks slightly ashamed of herself on Xmas day and we try and reassure her too and threaten to store toys at hers if she doesn't calm down with all the presents!

iveburntthetoast · 09/12/2016 20:02

YWBU to ask your parents to behave differently

My in-laws won't be getting the DD's anything this year (they are 6 & 9). They've only bought them presents on 2 Christmasses that we've been down there with them. They've never bought them a single birthday present either.

DD1 has already noticed the difference--I don't plan on doing anything to cover up this up.

FrancesHaHa · 09/12/2016 20:07

I wouldn't mention it. Unless one side buy nothing at all, she may well accept it.
My DM buys loads for DD at Christmas - lots of lovely, thoughtful presents. My DF send her a book. In laws buy one thing, but usually ask what she wants. She's 5 and hasn't seemed to notice so far.

We don't see them at the same time, so she seems to just see it as separate things.

Ohyesiam · 09/12/2016 20:09

If she noticed/ comments, Just tell her the truth, different families do things differently. What's wrong with that?
No need for you to pull strings from the wings, it s not like one family is doing it right, and one wrong. Actually maybe the message of the moment is to get all our kids to embrace difference from an early age.

onedayimightforget · 09/12/2016 20:18

You're right, I'm probably anticipating an issue that most likely won't happen anyway. DD probably won't even notice. She's asked for a doll house for Christmas (which we've got) but when she saw Father Christmas the other day she was less than impressed about the cuddly reindeer she got and just wanted to know where her dolls house was! I'm just worried that she'll make some kind of similarly tactless comment in front of one set of grandparents.

Both sets of my grandparents were very similar so it's not something I've encountered before.

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Dogolphin · 09/12/2016 20:18

She will grow up understanding that that's what each family do. We also have a big difference and it has always been understood at normal by the children. We didn't try to manage or alter it but accepted that was the way each grandparent wanted to do Christmas. Now they are are older they are really appreciating the grandparent who always sends a cheque

onedayimightforget · 09/12/2016 20:19

Oh. The only thing I was going to say about saying that different families do things differently is that that might be confusing for her because I don't think she really understands that there's DHs family and my family, to her it's all her family so I'm not sure she'd grasp that concept just yet and I don't fancy sitting down and drawing a family tree on Christmas Day!

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thisgirlrides · 09/12/2016 20:34

Same in our family - more & bigger presents from my family & 1 smaller gift from in-laws. To be fair they can't afford to spend loads but also just don't 'do' Christmas in the same way or to the same extent.

I've no problem with the amount they spend but do feel it lacks thought as they would never go out & choose something special and every year ask for a list of things & then proceed to tell you exactly what they're getting despite me telling them for the past 15 years that we like a surprise and don't need to know in advance. Dc obviously notice the difference (& for example will ask in-laws for a smaller items & my parents all the things we can't afford ) but it certainly doesn't affect their relationship and they love each grandparent equally.

MommaGee · 09/12/2016 22:34

She's 3, chances are she'll rip them open and forget who bought what on no time. Don't ask your family to buy less.
Of she gets to an age to ask why granny m buys more than granny p you can say yell different people spend different amounts or different people do things differently etc whilst pointing out that it's the thought that counts.
She could get one present from mil that she totally utterly adores and the reckless comment could end up going the other way

pklme · 10/12/2016 06:24

We have similar dynamics, it's not too hard to manage the children- if you can't say different families, just say 'everyone does it differently'.

Much harder for me is managing the adults. My DM gets huffy when she sees what the ILs bought. We have managed to never do present giving in front of both families.

I have had regular frank chats about how one DG finds present buying tricky, but it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, just that that isn't how she shows it.

ftmsoon · 10/12/2016 07:13

At 2.8 my DD clearly understands the difference between my family and DH's. She won't necessarily understand, but she will accept unquestioningly.

NotYoda · 10/12/2016 08:48

I detect some slight disapproval from you about what your in-laws do. That's what she'll pick up on, if anything.

onedayimightforget · 10/12/2016 08:55

No disapproval. It is different to what I'm used to but I appreciate that they just do things differently. I think I'm overthinking this because DH previously made the point about asking my family to hide the presents and the comments that he's made about them going over the top which makes it seem like he disapproves of what they're doing.

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NotYoda · 10/12/2016 09:01

Ah, I see. This kind of competitiveness between/about grandparents is a feature when the kids are little but luckily it tends to pass as the kids grow and decide for themselves who they feel close to (unless the parents are arses about it).

Reassure your DH that your DD won't know the difference. It's up to both sets of grandparents to do what they want.

SheldonCRules · 10/12/2016 09:02

Very rude and hurtful to ask them to change their traditions to suit your DH. If his parents have always only bought one present then there must have been lots of occasions where others have bought more as most people do. They obviously are happy dong it their way or they would have changed things.

vdbfamily · 10/12/2016 09:08

My kids get one present from my parents and have never had Christmas presents from their other grandparents. They have never mentioned this and do not love them any less. I think it is a good lesson to learn young that people express their care in different ways and it is never all about presents.

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