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AIBU?

To utterly fucking hate myself.

56 replies

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 22:10

Name changed.

I absolutely fucking hate myself right now. DH recently lost his df (leaving his dm a widow) and the funeral was last week.

I don't know where to start as don't want to inadvertently drip feed.

Tried to have an adult conversation with dh about recent pa behaviours of his family towards me. Most recent was at the funeral where certain distant relatives and friends of the family (some of which I had never even met until the funeral) totally snubbed me even when I was being introduced to them by DH. I found this extremely humiliating, puzzling and feel totally ashamed (not quite totally puzzling as we have become aware over the years his parents lie about us to others and again this has also gone unchallenged). DH said he had noticed and felt embarrassed & hurt himself but feels 'powerless' to do anything about it as going nc is not an option.

Backstory is his parents never wanted him to marry again, after being divorced several years previously. They said it wasn't personal, they didn't want him to marry anyone. Nonetheless it set the tone and we have endured years of pa behaviour towards me by his siblings and parents, this has always being tolerated by dh.

Couple of times we have very nearly split over it. But I'm a very forgiving person and have endeavoured to put the crap behind me and get along with them all.

Fast forward to tonight and I brought up how hurt I felt at being stonewalled and blanked at df in laws funeral. I said it wasn't appropriate to discuss with family now as everyone grieving, but we/I needed to in the future. He again repeated what he'd said before about him feeling 'powerless' and going nc not an option. I said his family treat me how they do because they have been allowed too. I said for some couples that would be a deal breaker. He then accused me of threatening to leave him (not my intention).

He started shouting (which I hate as we live in a terrace type house) and asked him to stop shouting. He then stormed upstairs whist muttering something about his df having died and to leave him alone.

I gave him an hour then went to him to see if he wanted anything and to apologise for being insensitive. Again he started shouting, so I did say 'I'm off, this isn't healthy'.

Now I feel totally shite, a total fucking nob head for not parking my feelings. I feel if there was an easy way to go to sleep and not wake up I'd be up for it. I'm a pathetic, cowardly, stupid fucking wank stain and I really hate myself.

OP posts:
WineIsMyMainVice · 08/12/2016 22:15

It's bound to be are ally difficult time for everyone. Grief Had taken over. Please just don't hate yourself.

Bluesrunthegame · 08/12/2016 22:19

You aren't any of the things you have called yourself. A death in a family always brings out tensions that have been buried and people are more sensitive than usual.

Take some deep breaths, can you make your DH a cup of tea (I'm assuming you are still at home) and try to apologise again?

Someone with lots of empathy and experience will be along here with wiser words, but you are not a terrible person, give yourself a break and take some time to concentrate on what your husband may want from you in the way of emotional support. When the time comes that you can discuss your feelings, you might be able to express yourself clearly in a way that shows him how you feel without making him more unhappy.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2016 22:23

How long ago was the funeral? It sounds recent, so if so yes he's grieving for his father and it will be raw, so yes, after years of this , it wasn't a good time to suddenly make him repeatedly tell you he wouldn't go no contact with his mum or family.

I'd just be nice to him, apologise then let it go, don't keep harping. It sounds like uour need to be recognised became very real to you and in that need you over rode the fact he was grieving as your need became your primary focus. You have a valid reason for feeling this way. But yes it was the wrong time. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's done, just try to support him now and when the time is right in a few months then talk about it again.

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 22:25

Thank you Wine' & Blues.

Yes I'm still home. I'm downstairs. My face is wet with streaming tears and feel very very sad and disconnected from my DH. I dearly want to comfort him but he doesn't want me near him. I think I will sleep on sofa and give him some space.

I don't feel very tolerant of my self and my negative feelings are so strong right now. Perhaps a cuppa might help.

OP posts:
icy121 · 08/12/2016 22:28

Sorry to read this situation OP. I agree with PP - I'd take him a cup of tea (or a glass of wine), tell him you love him to pieces and the rest is just noise. He's all that matters to you, you're going to leave him alone now. kiss him on the head and walk out the room. X

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 22:28

Your right Blunt' , it was very insensitive of me and totally the wrong time, although I wasn't asking him to go nc, he was saying that in the context that's the only solution. I was trying to say there are other ways of dealing with it, but when some time has past.

OP posts:
IngridMagnussen · 08/12/2016 22:34

Having gone through a very similar thing recently, I can't give you any advice but can say I did exactly the same thing. It's a really hard time and to be honest I don't think anyone would know exactly how to act. I felt pulled in so many different directions I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

Now go and make a cup of tea, wipe away the tears, and take a deep breath. You're in this together.

Just go and remind him that you love him. Leave it on a good note.

thecatsarecrazy · 08/12/2016 22:38

He's just upset. Emotions are raw. My dh lost his dad this year, they weren't close and it still hit him pretty bad. He was off work for weeks. I'm sure you will both be ok. Flowers

Justaboy · 08/12/2016 22:52

Let it be for tonight there are problems as you say I've had this crap being not good enough to marry our DD in the past but tonight he's grieving for his dad so give the dust a bit of time to settle and then try for a more sensible discussion when he's calmed down and in a more rational mood.

JennyPocket · 08/12/2016 22:56

I'm sorry you're so upset.

Things will seem better tomorrow, or at least the weekend or this time next week.

I would go upstairs and say that you're very sorry you've upset him, you realise it was not the moment to talk about the topic and you are sorry you brought it up. Take him a cup of tea/coffee if he drinks it, it's a peace offering and also it's soothing. Also if he's upset upstairs, he won't want to be coming downstairs to make a brew.

I would not sleep on the sofa personally, I think that can bizarrely enrage people all the more. If he wants space, he will be telling you that he wants to sleep somewhere else and if he does, I would say that you understand that, offer to sleep elsewhere yourself but if he insists on being the one to go on the sofa, let him as you don't want a row about that. It's all about agreeing with him and keeping things calm.

If he does get into bed, that's positive. I wouldn't try to cuddle up but I would probably reach just a toe over.

Good luck Flowers

yospammity · 08/12/2016 22:58

He's angry and hurt and lashing out. Let him, it's better than him holding it in. Yes, he should defend you to anyone downright lying about you, but at the same time, you caring about what these people think about you when they don't give you the same consideration is daft. Their opinions don't matter. So take him a strong drink (tea, whisky etc) and sit with him. Don't bombard with questions or accusations, just be near. If he wants to talk he will, but your presence should be enough. I can understand him being upset, because right now he's thinking about his lost dad, and all you care about is how these other people see you (that's how he sees it). Stop feeling sorry for yourself because your feelings got a little hurt. You need to be the strong one right now. You can talk to him about it in a few weeks when it's not as raw.

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 22:58

Thank you for your kind words Icy', Ingrid' and 'Cats'.

I've been up and apologised, which I feel was accepted. I'm downstairs now with a cuppa.

Just how do you deal with feelings of humiliation etc. It's so uncomfortable and quite excruciating. I'm trying to tell myself, it says more about them than myself. But that isn't working. I don't have great self esteem to start with and the drip drip of pa behaviour from them cuts to the core.

I ought to add that layered over and entwined with all this is my own self loathing about being raped as a teenager. A politician or someone of similar ilk was on tv today sharing her own story of teenage rape that went unreported. Her shared experience resonated so much with my own. I didn't mention this to DH today although he is aware of what happened to me. I must have fucking VICTIM tattooed on my forehead. Sorry never meant to drip feed but at the time of typing my initial post it wasn't in my head.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 22:59

BushyBushyTinsel I am so sorry you are so upset and that this situation has occured.

You are none of the awful things you have said about yourself.

Please, please, consider some form of counselling just for you. The feelings you have expressed of yuourself are very strong and i think you would benefit from a chance to express yourself and get thing straight in your head and sadly yuour dh cannot provide this right now.

It is possible a very well meaning and understanding friend may be able to help but a professional counselor would be more helpful for you to process these feelings and enable you to move on.

I cannot tell you what to do, but I know in your shoes I would put my energies into supporting dh through this diffiuclt time, get my feelings out and processed elsewhere (professionally) and would not give too many shiny shits about his family. Truely there is most likely nothing much to be gained by trying to speak to them/process this with them/work this out.

Just accept his family did not want him to re-marry anyone, how fucking selfish is that. But it is not personal. They are obviously quite damaged people, or wounded people or simply horrible people. They have managed to damage your dh, so the best thing you can do is get your support and affirmation in place so yuo can support him. In time he will grow better towards you and one day he link with his family may finally die off.

I am all for family make ups and getting through issues normally but I don;t see that there is any desire from your dh or his family to 'work this out' so for your own sake I would leave it. There dislike of you is not personal and if it is at all personal it is only in that you won, they did not want him to re-marry, but he did, he chose you. Beautiful, amazing, wonderful you. Please, please be nice to yourself.

TattyCat · 08/12/2016 23:05

Wow. So your DH is grieving and you decide to bring up some family demeanours and their bad behaviour towards you?

One thing that might help you right now is that it's not about you. Right now, it's not and now isn't the time to deal with anything that's been festering. Your poor DH needs to talk about how he feels, not what you feel about the remainder of his family (about whom he will likely feel very protective right now). I couldn't imagine how I would feel if my DP had made this awful time all about him and his feelings I'm sure he was sick of hearing about my DDad, but he cares enough about me to listen and not denigrate my wider family

Hope this helps.

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:08

You are all so kind in replying. I totally agree with each and every one of you. I need to stop thinking of myself for now and focus on my dearest husband whom i deeply love. I need to support him and his family and ignore their pa behaviour.

I think the recent bereavement coupled with revisiting my own past has been quite overwhelming and I've become distraught and self centered.

OP posts:
BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:13

Your response has totally resonated with me Italian'. I did have counselling some years ago but agree I really do need a top up. Even if it's to support me in supporting my dh. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
TwentyCups · 08/12/2016 23:15

You've had some fantastic advice here, what great posters on this thread Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:16

Tattycat that sounded a bit harsh.

The op knows it was a mistake.

Her th is not reading this, she is.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:17

dh

Justaboy · 08/12/2016 23:18

BushyBushyTinsel would you please consider speaking to a professional about you past problems in order to help you! It does seem that you've had more than your fair share of grief to contend with!.

And yes I did listen to Michelle Thomson's speech earlier, it was very moving to have done that just a pity there weren't a few more in the house to listen!

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:18

Yes Twenty' I feel humbled and touched by mumsnetters generosity of their wisdom.

OP posts:
DotForShort · 08/12/2016 23:21

Your DH has just lost his father and must be reeling with grief. I understand that you were hurt by his family members' attitudes but it probably wasn't the best time to mention it. His shouting at you was unkind but if it was out of character I would put it down to the bereavement. Sometimes grief can be expressed as anger. And tomorrow is another day. You can draw a line under today and move on.

RougeSeas · 08/12/2016 23:22

I agree with tattycat and scarily enough i have been in exactly the same position recently

Dh side of family hate me. We are N.C though. fil funeral couple of weeks ago and if looks could kill... Well you know the rest.

I never would have dreamed of telling h about how offended i was about it. Never, that was bloody selfish of you to do and he needs you to be the strong one at the moment.

Park the self pity, counselling helped me.

BushyBushyTinsel · 08/12/2016 23:23

Just' at the time of listening to the brave lady I was a blubbering wreck. Then I shut the memory box again, but clearly not fully as I'm sure the residual feelings from my own experience transferred onto more recent events, hence feeling the need to discuss dh familys behaviour with him at a totally inappropriate time. The bell end that I am.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 23:23

Bushy great. Knowing when you need help is a very good thing to learn.

Please remember if your father in law was a nasty or difficult man (in general or specifically to your dh) this can make death even harder to cope with!

Not only could there be sorrow but also guilt. Why could he not get pm with his dad, why did dad not accept his choice to 're-marry, etc. Ect.

I lost my dad 12 years ago and mum this year. Dad was harder. More of a shock (unexpected) plus concerns for mum left alone. The odd of my mum was much easier, a blessed release from a long illness and no one to worry about. Death takes everyone A little differently.

Give your dh space and time. Maybe reassure him, if he needs it, that you are not leaving, and that you love him.

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