To just accept we'll never see our wedding photos

[lilyb84]

Got married more than 4 years ago, all done on a minimal budget so we didn't have a photographer. My dad has a DSLR and offered to take pics which would be of a good quality at least.

We've since never seen these photos despite him telling me he got some lovely shots. When I've asked he's said he's been too busy - I think the files are all 'raw' and need converting to jpegs or something like that, he did show me one about 3 years ago which was a close-up of me and did look very nice thanks to Photoshop. Clearly he has to put quite a lot of work into each photo which I didn't realise at the the time.

In fairness he IS always busy: working (self employed and lots of travel), studying, doing home improvements etc. So as not to drip feed though, he has form for being weird over photos - he has literally boxes of all our childhood photos and videos and won't let anyone see them - if you ask he's too busy to find them. I guess technically they're his property so it's his prerogative but he'll only ever share things on his terms and my sisters and I have never been able to just look at old pictures of us growing up which we find a bit sad.

But back to the wedding photos. I appreciate he didn't have to take them, and so I probably have no right to expect him to put in the work to do whatever needs doing to them so we can actually see them. But he did offer, and knows we didn't have any other 'proper' pictures taken. I just got a bit tired of asking after a while but was thinking I could attempt to revisit the issue in the run-up to my and DH's 5 year anniversary as that gives me a reason to ask, as it were. Or AIBU in expecting him to do this?

[nichito]

Anyone else you could rope in to make firm requests on your behalf?

I think all you can do is make your upset/frustration/disgruntlement clear and continue to raise the matter until he gives in, I fear.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Could you ask him for the raw files and pay someone else to edit them?

Although to be honest; my instinct would be that the photos aren't very good and are requiring a great deal of work, and that's why he hasn't either got them finished or just showed them to you as they are... Is that possible?

Will he ask what you want as an anniversary present? Or could you tell him you want to give DH an album of photos as a present and ask for the files?

[lilyb84]

I don't see him ever giving in as he's always 'too busy'! Maybe I could get his partner to bring it up subtly... if we put too much pressure on though he'll get stressed and it'll be a big deal and he'll make it unpleasant, which is why I haven't pushed it in the past. He needs to be willing to do it otherwise he'll be a martyr iyswim!

[lilyb84]

Hadn't thought of asking for the raw files actually - I have Photoshop so could do something with them I'm sure!

I doubt it's that they're not great as he's told me how great they are and is very proud of his photography skills. I don't see him much but when I do probably 80% of the visit is taken up with him showing me pictures he's taken on his phone, camera etc

[HeyRoly]

So as not to drip feed though, he has form for being weird over photos - he has literally boxes of all our childhood photos and videos and won't let anyone see them - if you ask he's too busy to find them

Whaaaat?

I think you do have to accept that you'll never see the photos, but that's really sad. He's essentially robbed you of them. Most fathers would feel awful to let you down like that.

Unless, of course, the photos turned out badly and that's why he doesn't want you to see them? I mean, each and every image shouldn't need photoshopping, should it?

[lilyb84]

He's very fussy and particular so I can imagine he'd want each photo to look perfect (as perfect as pics of my uglyugly will ever be!). All part of the service for a professional photographer but I guess a lot of work for nothing if you're not.

I should have just bloody hired a photographer but I wasn't too fussed by having loads of photos so this seemed a good compromise.

[lilyb84]

*ugly mug. I don't think I'm uglyugly

[NoMudNoLotus]

Oh OP my dad has been equally strange about photos.

A few years ago he took all the children photos of me & my sister out of their albums & laminated them.

I was heartbroken. Absolutely no chance of ever having them copied or scanned onto computer files , or even to look decent in a photo frame.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Could you tell a small white lie, and say that some friends have clubbed together for photo editing for you? Would he hand the files over raw if he thought he wasn't costing you money; and it'd still be great photos?

That's all I can think of, really.

[lilyb84]

Oh no NoMud! That sounds like something potentially well-intentioned but not thought-through?

My dad's the same with videos too, it's annoying as he was an avid photographer and filmer when we were young so we just know there are so many memories stashed away that we can't access! A few years ago my sisters and I found a video which was the only one we'd ever been allowed to watch so had seen it loads, put it on and he found out and got quite upset.

I also just remembered when I was young, we'd often come across films in the fridge (where you'd keep them in those days) literally years after they'd been used, but never developed. He's probably still got undeveloped cartridges sitting around somewhere...

[lilyb84]

That's an idea Anchor. I just need to get him to find the time to transfer the bloody things over! Or I guess save them to memory stick or something.

[NoMudNoLotus]

Lily do you think you could talk to him or send him a card to tell him how much it's upsetting you?

[lilyb84]

We have the odd one here and there but all very amateur / taken on phones etc. I don't even care that much after this long but feel like if he's got them I'd like to see them! Maybe I'll ask again if he can send the raw files and it might spur him into doing it properly...

[lilyb84]

Tbh it's not upsetting me per se, I just feel by this point I either need to have the damn photos or forget about them! He probably would respond to an emotional plea though as he's sensitive like that so good idea.

[ChickenVindaloo2]

My dad is a bit like this. Nothing ever gets done. If I need a DIY job done, for example, I just ring a handyman. Even though my dad can do stuff, I'd wait for months if not years.

[msrisotto]

You need Lightroom to convert the photos from RAW and it is easy. Just need to get the bloody things off him...

And in a way, He IBU about your childhood photos...they're kinda your property too.

[NotTheFordType]

I suspect if you ask him for the .raw files he will also claim to be "too busy" to transfer them onto a memory stick for you.

This is a very unusual form of controlling behaviour. But it's certainly controlling, and he is valuing that control and power over your image (and those of other family members) far more highly than your happiness.

[smurfest]

That's very sad.
Could you ask for them for christmas?

or, failing that, could you contact your guests, explain that you have no wedding photos and ask if they have any that they could kindly send any that they might have? I know they would be rather random, but it would still provide a memento of your big day.

[Blossomdeary]

Just ask for the card, bung it in your computer - bingo!

[littlesallyracket]

Does he have some sort of anxiety disorder or OCD? Refusing ever to let his own children see photos of their childhoods or get film developed is a bit extreme and I can't imagine any dad hoarding his daughter's only wedding pictures for four years because he just 'busy'.

I think you need to write him a letter or email telling him how much this upsets you and that you're hurt and confused by his refusal to let you see them. Tell him that if there is something wrong (ie he accidentally lost or deleted them or something) then you will completely understand and won't be angry at all but that you are really upset by being kept in the dark.

[lilyb84]

Interesting that you ask - we (rest of family) suspect undiagnosed OCD as he has lots of other issues, intrusive thoughts, and is very controlling. So this is just one aspect of it.

[lilyb84]

(Other family members have OCD so we're familiar with the symptoms)

[KimmySchmidtsSmile]

I would not so subtly hint I wanted my photos in an album for my Xmas present or if not enough time, the best one of me and do in a frame. Then one atcva time for birthdays etc

[AwfulSomething]

Nomudnolotus I have heard of people getting amazing results from laminated pictures etc via the photoscan app

www.google.com/photos/scan/