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AIBU?

Was this ungrateful?

81 replies

MarklahMarklah · 08/12/2016 13:37

I don't work at the moment. If I am buying things for me or for my friends, I dip into my savings. (This is just to set the context for the fact that I don't have money to squander).

This morning I was out at our local shopping centre. I often see a homeless guy there, so stopped to check if he needed a coffee or a sandwich. He said he was fine, someone had just bought him some stuff. We chatted for a bit and I carried on around the shops where there is a Big Issue seller. She has a child a little younger than mine so I often stop for a chat, and to buy a magazine from her. She's a Romanian lady who always dresses very very modestly (feet and ankles covered, long skirts, head covered, neck covered - just her hands and face are visible), and I possibly stupidly inferred from this that she is Muslim. Today she was saying that she was hungry and very cold. I said I'd see what I could do to help as I didn't have much money.

I had to do some food shopping (which is paid for by DH), and having done that I stopped to buy a hot snack for the Big Issue seller. I spent ages looking at everything I could afford and in the end opted for a cup of hot tomato soup as I thought it was unlikely to include anything not halal, and I wasn't sure whether she would eat cheese or eggs (she has told me before she has dietary problems).

I went to give her the cup of soup and she said, "Oh, I don't like tomato. I like chicken, you could have got me a hot chicken sandwich."

Now, forgive me if I'm being judgy, but if someone had gone out of their way to get me something hot to eat when I was cold, I wouldn't have complained. She suggested that she couldn't eat soup in the street (she has a chair in a shop doorway) and again said she'd have preferred chicken. I said that I was sorry but I had now spent all my money as I'd also bought a magazine from her.

AIBU to think she was ungrateful?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 08/12/2016 13:39

Even people on the street deserve to have some agency over their lives. It must be soul destroying to live on charitable caprice.

Why didn't you ask her first?

YouHadMeAtCake · 08/12/2016 13:41

She was incredibly ungrateful and rude,I would have told her so. Beggars literally cannot be choosers. You did a really lovely thing and it says everything about her and not you. Bloody cheek.

blackbunny · 08/12/2016 13:41

Yes she was ungrateful
All she had to do was thank you and pour it away when you'd gone
It means you'll think twice before trying to help someone like her in the future

MrsHathaway · 08/12/2016 13:42

That is, yes, on the face of it she was being ungrateful, but understandably so. You'd shown yourself to be a thoughtful person before so she might have hoped you'd be considerate about the food.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2016 13:42

On the service yes but thinking about it, how would you feel if someone bought you some food that you didn't like and expected you to eat it because you were poor? The saying is 'beggars can't be choosers' but denying them any choice makes their position more degrading in a way. It was a kind thing to do and I'm sorry it didn't work out but the best solution there would be to ask her what she wanted to eat, like you did for the homeless man and then buy it. Please don't let this put you off doing nice things for people, you are a kind person.

nutbrownhare15 · 08/12/2016 13:43

surface

Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 13:43

I see your point of view. Bit ungrateful.

But you could have asked her what she wanted and avoided all this.

YelloDraw · 08/12/2016 13:45

Beggars literally cannot be choosers.

She wasn't begging. She was working selling the big issue.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 08/12/2016 13:45

YANBU, that is ungrateful.

I think Romanian is very, very Christian.

There was a Channel 4 documentary about Romanians in London pretending to be Muslim (wearing hijab etc) so that rich Arabs would feel sorry for them and give them money.

stiffstink · 08/12/2016 13:45

Why are you using your savings to get by when your DH has money?

formerbabe · 08/12/2016 13:46

No good deed goes unpunished. I have no idea why you bothered op, particularly as you have said money is tight for you right now Confused. She could be claiming benefits too...I'm not 100% sure but I did read that big issue sellers can claim tax credits?

goodiegoodieyumyum · 08/12/2016 13:47

if you had bought a tomato soup i would tried to drink it then thrown it away as I can't stand it, perhaps it was her her way of insuring you don't buy it for her again wasting your money.

MarklahMarklah · 08/12/2016 13:47

Mrs H - I said I'd see if I could find her something to eat. She could have told me at that point that she had preferences.
I thought tomato soup was the least offensive thing for someone with dietary issues, but possibly yes, tomato is an irritant. I did say to her that I would know for another time.
I did walk back past the homeless man and ask him if he would like it (I was walking with shopping so couldn't easily get it home), and he accepted it so it didn't go to waste.

I guess I was just feeling sensitive as I only had £5 to spend in the first place, so potentially had wasted £2 of it.

OP posts:
honeysucklejasmine · 08/12/2016 13:49

I agree with MrsHathaway. What you did was lovely. But in the future, perhaps ask a little about what they like first.

But well done for at least trying.

formerbabe · 08/12/2016 13:49

I guess I was just feeling sensitive as I only had £5 to spend in the first place, so potentially had wasted £2 of it

If this is your financial situation then in the nicest possible way, you can't afford to be charitable. She could have access to more money right now than you do fgs.

bumsexatthebingo · 08/12/2016 13:49

Well it would have been polite for her to accept it but I guess you could be hungry but no so hungry you'd eat anything you don't like. Or maybe she was just seeing if she could get something more filling which if she is desperate I wouldn't blame her for. I always give cash. I know some people disagree but I think people can usually spend the money more wisely than on an overpriced latte or whatever.

KlingybunFistelvase · 08/12/2016 13:51

I've bought the big issue seller who normally sells me my magazine a snack before, but I did ask her first - she wanted a chicken bake from Greggs (same person)?!

Meh, yab a little U I think, as I wouldn't much like being told I had to eat something I don't like because I'm not as well off as the person giving it to me. That said, she could have told you ahead of time. A bit of a communication foul up rather than lack of gratitude imo.

5to2 · 08/12/2016 13:52

Though I'm glad you are concerned for the welfare of others, OP, you should have at first asked her what you could get for her. Perhaps she would prefer people to buy the magazine so she can get her own food?

She wasn't wrong to refuse. She isn't a stray cat you can throw a scrap of food for.

WellErrr · 08/12/2016 13:54

Massively ungrateful.

Nothing to do with her being homeless. If someone went to the effort of buying me tomato soup I'd smile and thank them, even though I don't like it.

MrsHathaway · 08/12/2016 13:57

I'm glad it wasn't wasted and I'm sure he was glad of it.

Perhaps she just thought it was a bit random - it genuinely is awkward to drink soup outside and maybe she doesn't feel she can "down tools" to get it in her neatly - and was trying to coach you into more practical alternatives for another time. I'd be inclined to think something had been lost in translation / culture clash tbh. "Beggars can't be choosers" is not a very nice attitude.

I've previously bought two unadventurous sandwiches for lunch, and offered someone the choice (keeping the other for myself).

Pps' points about your finances are pertinent. It is hard to spend "someone else's" money so I can see why you'd want to keep discretionary/frivolous spending from your own account ... but that isn't how the law understands money within a marriage, nor how most fair people think household finances should be arranged. In a marriage it's pretty unusual for basic spending such as the weekly shop to be one person's responsibility (rather than a joint expense like the mortgage, to be covered before the fun money is allocated fairly between the partners). In similar circumstances I would have chucked a probably vegetarian sandwich in the trolley and offered that. Would you have felt able to do that?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/12/2016 13:57

When you asked her if she wanted anything, she could have said what she would like. I don't blame you, she was very rude.

MidniteScribbler · 08/12/2016 13:58

I can't stand most tomato products, so I certainly wouldn't want to eat a cup of tomato soup. Just because you're homeless, doesn't mean you don't have preferences. Why couldn't you have said 'is there something you'd like me to get for you?'.

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formerbabe · 08/12/2016 13:59

In similar circumstances I would have chucked a probably vegetarian sandwich in the trolley and offered that

Honestly, in similar circumstances, I'd have done nothing. You don't have to do anything especially if you're skint. You have no idea what benefits she may be claiming. She could have more disposable cash for food than the op.

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 14:00

You offered, she presumably declined stating her preferences and wasn't particularly rude doing it. Not sure what the problem is here. If you were expecting her to be grateful so you could take away a feeling of meaning from the experience then this probably taught you a lesson. A truly generous person will give for the giving's sake, not because they want the other person to be grateful.

bumsexatthebingo · 08/12/2016 14:02

I don't think she should have smiled and taken it as you may get her the same again. I don't imagine many people stop to help so she's probably quite reliant on a few kind people. 'That's very kind but I don't like tomato' or something would have been better but I would put it down to the language barrier.

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