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AIBU?

Am I being preciously here or am I being bullied at work

202 replies

user1481201979 · 08/12/2016 13:04

It's very subtle and I'm probably going to be told I'm ridiculous because it's so hard to explain with examples but i feel bullied by a work colleague.

So I sit on a desk either in the same office or one in the room opposite and he will often pop round and say hi. Several times a day he says hello and it's because of this that I feel I may be wrong to feel bullied and he does go out of his way to say hello so it would seem he doesn't actively dislike me personally. He will go into the other office to say hello when I'm not in his. He is socially confident so likes to chat at people's desk and in this respect doesn't act differently towards me.

But this is where the friendliness ends. He will actively,several times a week go round the office asking anyone if they want to go for lunch with him. But he won't ask me. I don't have a great desire to go but it's a rather obvious snub. It's literally everyone in the office except me and one person commented that he doesn't like going for lunch with me. I felt quite embarrassed. He regularly has house parties at his house but he will not invite me. He invites everyone in the office except me and he does it by asking them if they want to come when I'm not there.

He will get up to make a drink and will grab everyone's cup except mine and make them a drink. Sometimes he looks at me when he's making the drinks but never takes my mug.

He sometimes brings food in from home and he will offer some people it from the tin but never ever me. He just puts in on the side and asks me to help myself.

He was ordering food from his dads website at a discount and asked what people wanted but again, didn't ask me.

He asked everyone for their facebook but when it came to me he pretended he needed to add me for work when I know that's not the case. We aren't even allowed it at work.

In the beginning I would invite him along with other colleagues out for drinks and he would always decline. So he obviously doesn't want to be in contact outside of work which is fine. But I'm worried these invites made him uncomfortable.
I'm wondering if he took me the wrong way. It's now an open invitation and anyone who wants to come can. It's very popular but he never goes when I'm there and if he does he doesn't speak to me.

There will always be people at work we don't like. But he makes me feel excluded and bullied to be honest.
He has also made comments about me being the type of person who
would sleep with anyone although he did apologise several times afterwards

If I need to discuss work with him he will reply quickly to my first text but never ever any subsequent ones unless it's during work time.

He did get disciplined by the manager for not inviting me to his fundraising night so I was pleased the management had felt on that occasion the excluding warranted a discussion. That made me feel better and like I wasn't being paranoid.

I have never discussed this with anyone as I'm worried I will look ridiculous.


Nothing is going to change, I'm not even going to bother myself with why he's like this. I just need you to tell me I'm not being unreasonable and ridiculous. That being excluded, even if it's subtle things like this, is bullying and it's okay for me to feel upset by it.

There's more really, but I just can't explain it.

OP posts:
user1481201979 · 08/12/2016 13:05

Precious not preciously. Autocorrect!

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 13:10

I recommend that you speak to the line manager who disciplined him before. Tell the manager that the behaviour is still continuing in a more subtle way.

You should not be made to feel marginalised in the workplace.

PollytheDolly · 08/12/2016 13:10

No you are being perfectly reasonable.

He is acting like a complete knob-jockey. Angry

EmeraldIsle100 · 08/12/2016 13:14

You are definitely not being unreasonable or ridiculous and it is ok to feel upset.

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amyksays · 08/12/2016 13:20

Er, dunno. I choose not to mix work and social life, because of just this - if something goes wrong you can't get away from it, at work or home. Sorry, not v helpful, I know some people successfully mix the two, but I'd find it hard to make professional decisions. Try cultivating more friends out of work, then at least you'd have someone to sound off with!

Ps if this was school kids I'd say he fancies you and doesn't know how to deal with it! Wink

Chewie1986 · 08/12/2016 13:21

Maybe he just doesn't like you, which is why he doesn't invite you to lunch, parties etc.

But not sharing food at work etc seems a bit petty, but not really bullying.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 08/12/2016 13:21

Yes, you are being bullied by social exclusion. It happened to me a few years ago. The good news is the management are already aware of it. I would file a grievance asap. Do you have Union representation?

Ssenunni · 08/12/2016 13:22

Maybe he has a bit of a thing for you and is going to the other extreme to kind of camouflage it?

SueGeneris · 08/12/2016 13:26

This also happened to me at work some years ago.

I raised a grievance. Management were glad because I was not the only person who had been bullied by this individual and it enabled them to discipline her over it. Don't sit quiet.

Ncbecauseitshard · 08/12/2016 13:27

Did you make a complaint when he made out you were a slut?
Do you exclude him when making coffee?
I hate people who make drinks for everyone, to me it's just a skive. I know not the point.

The point is it is happening and everyone has noticed which makes you feel even more shit.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/12/2016 13:27

Is not liking someone and not wanting to socialise with them a disciplinary offence these days?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 08/12/2016 13:27

The drinks thing reminds me of a woman I used to work with. She'd make everyone except me a drink, and she was very pointed about it. She then had the nerve to demand I contribute to the drinks kitty every week - I told her to fuck off. It was the last straw for me though - she was vile, she was the boss's girlfriend and she hated me on sight. Made my work life an absolute misery, and I'm not in any way precious or the type to think I'm being bullied, when it's simply a case of a personality clash. Everyone noticed it.

This guy sounds weird though. I'm glad your line manager has picked up on it previously - definitely go back to him and update him.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 08/12/2016 13:27
alotlikeChristmas16 · 08/12/2016 13:29

it's very tricky because all the bullying is taking place by excluding you from things that aren't work. I'm not sure what management could or would do about this. He's a manipulative weirdo though and he's getting some sort of kick out of his behaviour. You can only ignore it, I don't know what else you can do.

RatherBeRiding · 08/12/2016 13:29

Not really sure this counts as bullying, as most of the excluding concerns out of work stuff like lunch, house-parties, facebook, drinks after work. He doesn't NOT offer you food - just says to help yourself. He speaks to you, he responds to work communications, just doesn't make you a cup of tea!

I think in that latter example I'd say loudly and in a very jokey voice "You've not picked up my mug - white no sugar!".

As he's already been disciplined for not inviting you to a fund-raiser he might well feel resentful towards you and is behaving in a very PA fashion, but I'd hesitate to call it bullying.

Katy07 · 08/12/2016 13:30

Has he been doing all this since he was disciplined or was it exactly the same before? Because if it's only since then that'll be your reason. Was the fundraising night a work thing or a private thing? If it was private then why did he have to invite you?

m0therofdragons · 08/12/2016 13:30

I am definitely leaning towards him fancying you.

ToastDemon · 08/12/2016 13:31

Your work sounds very sociable. Probably far too much so for many people's liking.
I wouldn't really care about not being invited somewhere in fact I'd be relieved, as long as I was being politely and professionally treated.
I do appreciate that some people would feel hurt and left out though and yes he is excluding you if it's only you that doesn't get asked.

HaveNoSocks · 08/12/2016 13:33

Unless you're someone with a history of paranoia you're probably picking up on something genuine. I agree you should go to the line manager.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 08/12/2016 13:39

Sounds horrible OP Flowers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/12/2016 13:40

I'd go with what EmeraldIsle said in her first post. He has form for this and he's been disciplined before. If you bullet-point the issues that you have put in your OP, it's quite clear that he's isolating you and targeting you for different treatment. Not ok.

I'm sorry that you're having to put up with this. Thanks

Nanananananagigglebiz · 08/12/2016 13:42

Yes I thought he might fancy you too.

HoridHenryrules · 08/12/2016 13:45

I would ignore him honestly work and pleasure don't mix.

HoridHenryrules · 08/12/2016 13:48

He is using the other people in the office to do this. He is very unprofessional I would definitely say some thing. He is not concentrating on his job just focusing on isolating you and having a chin wag.

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