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AIBU?

To say my friend is hugely unfair here?

77 replies

LetsGoFly · 06/12/2016 18:29

Bit of background for you -

I've been TTC for over 2 years really, 13 months ago I had a miscarriage but before that we were trying for a long time. I did talk to someone I know through work, of whom is also a GP about 3 months ago. She said my 'Your GP won't do anything, just relax - you're so young' Confused

Monday I'm off to the GP to see what can be done. I'm only 21 and never thought I'd be here.

Friend said to me today "I know how you feel, TTC for a long time is so tough, especially for me because I've got a little one and I'm unlikely to be able to give him a sibling. I know full well my condition is so much worse now". Isaid it must be difficult for you knowing the stress involved for trying again. I kept my mouth shut any further.

AIBU to say she was insensitive? Am I correct in saying that although it must be so sad for her, surely she's better off since she's actually a Mother?

It took her 7 months to conceive her DC with PCOS, she fell naturally.

Sorry if I sound really inconsiderate just because she has a DC. I don't think it's easy at all when you'll struggle to fall pregnant, regardless of the amount of little ones you have Sad

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 06/12/2016 18:33

I think uour being over sensitive I'm sorry, she was obviously trying to empathise with you and explaining how she wanted another and prob wouldn't be able to. The fact she's already a mother won't stop her longing for a second.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 06/12/2016 18:33

Infertility, whatever the circumstances, is a very painful and distressing thing. YABU to think she's better off, but Yanbu to think she was insensitive.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time op.

LetsGoFly · 06/12/2016 18:36

But surely she must be better if in a sense, if not every sense?

One is better than none. I would have loved 2/3 but will count my lucky stars with the 1

Forgot to mention she did remind me of her age (much older than me), as if to say things are much harder. It wasn't said in an empathetic tone, if that makes sense?

I'm usually quite thick skinned - have had to grit my teeth and deal with a lot of comments in the last few years

OP posts:
SouthofMaui · 06/12/2016 18:40

It's just a very sad situation. For some couples, secondary infertility is A LOT worst for many reasons. In some cases, they feel guilt on top of everything else. It's not a competition, it sucks and it's painful, and people live it in different ways.

Yes, you are unreasonable, we are all different. I hope things work out for you. Your age is a huge bonus, you are not on a clock to explore the medical reasons and your options. That's a very good thing!

Daisiesandgerberas · 06/12/2016 18:40

Infertility brings out the absolute worst of others I'm afraid.

I had it for 20 years. They're naive.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 06/12/2016 18:41

Maybe she was pointing out that as you are so young, time is on your side.

I think the pain of secondary infertility is still pain. I think she was empathising - perhaps her choice of words wasn't to your liking but I think it sounds like she meant what she said kindly.

Best of luck with ttc.

mineofuselessinformation · 06/12/2016 18:46

It sounds like she meant well, but didn't word it carefully.
Fwiw, I had fertility issues and took five years to have my first child - it doesn't mean I've forgotten the pain and frustration of infertility.
It's a tough thing to go through. Sympathies. Flowers

Scrumptiousbears · 06/12/2016 18:50

It isn't a competition.

BarbarianMum · 06/12/2016 18:51

FWIW I agree with you but the pain of secondary infertility is much stronger than you might think (from the outside). But comparisons are best avoided in these circumstances. Flowers

CoraPirbright · 06/12/2016 18:52

Fertility issues are really bloody awful no matter what your situation so you really have my sympathy.

Just one point - if she is much older than you as you suggest, then it can be an added fly in the ointment so she is kind of right on that one.

However, I think she wasn't trying to be horrid - just didn't choose her words well.

Best of luck to you Flowers

Floggingmolly · 06/12/2016 19:00

What sort of comments have you had to grit your teeth at for the past two years?

LetsGoFly · 06/12/2016 19:02

Floggin here's a few odd the top of my head -

"It's not meant to be yet"

"just relax"

"Oh such and such had that but she has two kids now"

"Stop trying and just have fun"

"It'll be your time one day too"

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 06/12/2016 19:04

Firstly, Flowers for you because infertility is awful.

Second - I honestly don't think your friend was trying to be horrible. I think you're both going through the same thing and comparing yourselves isn't going to help either of you.
I don't think her issues are lessened by having a dc, except to make her feel guilty because she probably knows people will
Think she should be happy with the dc she already has - the same as yours aren't less just because you're young and you have time.

Me and DH have been ttc for 4 years. In this time, most of my friends have had children, some through fertility treatment. My best friend and her partner have fertility problems, were told it was virtually impossible for them to conceive, then ended up with a surprise pregnancy. She now wants another and they are struggling. What works for us is not to compare but to empathise - I don't know exactly how she feels ttc with a toddler exhausting her. She doesn't know how desperate to be a mother I feel as her dc was a happy accident before she was ready. We both know the crushing disappointment when it isn't working and how irrationally upset we can be over things. We concentrate on that and cheer each other on - I think you need this approach. It's much better.

FKat2016 · 06/12/2016 19:04

I don't think you're being over sensitive. I think she was being insensitive. How is saying 'it's harder for me' being empathetic?? She started out trying to be, but that comment completely counteracted it, in my opinion. She has been blessed with one child, it's sad she's struggling to have more, it's sad when anyone who wants children isn't able to, but at least in her darkest, saddest moments she can remember the fact that she at least has her one beloved DC. Plenty of people around the world would do anything to have just one baby.

I'm not saying it's not as hard for her but it's certainly not easier for you, if you understand what I mean!

AnUtterIdiot · 06/12/2016 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LetsGoFly · 06/12/2016 19:08

FKat Yes I don't think it was worded well at all. If I met someone trying for a baby for a year a telling me they feel frustrated, I wouldn't dream of comparing - that's really low.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/12/2016 19:10

Its not a competition - she was saying that since her PCOS is worse now than it was the chances of her getting pregnant again are slim and she is facing the heartache of not having anymore children. She was sympathising with you and not making any judgment as to who has it worse.

You envy her her child, she envies you your youth

BakeOffBiscuits · 06/12/2016 19:10

Flowers I too think she was being insensitive.

To say "it's harder for me" to anyone suffering infertility issues is bloody stupid and cruel IMO. And I say that as someone who had great difficulty getting pregnant with DC2. It was an awful time for us even though we had DD1 already. But I would never had said "it's harder for for me to someone without a child.

Ilovewillow · 06/12/2016 19:11

Infertility is a bitch however it presents itself! I'm sure the intention was good! I tried for 8 years for my first and had a lot of treatment before I was blessed with a beautiful daughter. Again for our second further infertility treatment and a five yr wait! I felt the second time it wasn't as bad emotionally because I already had my daughter. However if I hadn't had problems first time round I suspect the infertility treatment for the second would have been awful and I suspect that's where she may be coming from! I think it effects different people differently depending on a lot of factors!

Wishing you all the luck in the world, stay strong! Flowers

PosiePaRumPaPaPumParker · 06/12/2016 19:13

You're 21 and have been TTC for 2 years? Really?

Do you own your home? work?

Baylisiana · 06/12/2016 19:21

I doubt you would have said to her 'I know how you feel, it is especially bad for me as I don't have a child at all yet'. I think that is probably a more valid view than hers but the point is most people try not compare or make it about themselves when they are expressing sympathy. So yes she was tactless.

AnUtterIdiot · 06/12/2016 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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kali110 · 06/12/2016 19:25

Yes yabu.
You are both struggling with the same issue.
Yes she may have one child but is struggling now, more with her condition and age.
I'm sorry you're struggling, so am i, but your friend is also.
My friend hAs a child after nearly 10 years of trying.
She may never have another.
I'm not going to say she can't be upset or not talk to be about it because i can't have one.
It's horrible. You should be there for each other.

MrsRabbitsTwin · 06/12/2016 19:27

OP, I think maybe you need to stop discussing this with your friend, it doesn't sound like she's being much of a comfort. There are loads of online support groups where you can find folk to speak to.

TinselTwins · 06/12/2016 19:40

I think your friend was trying to (yes clumsily and idiotically) let you know that you're not alone.. but you don't "count" her secondary infertility.. so you're both being a bit self centred.. I'ld wager that there's snipey comments flying both ways (from what you've posted here) and you're both feeling insensitive.

You're not good for each other right now, it's not just her not being good for you, you're not being good for her either.

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