My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

to not understand WHY sil does this?!

60 replies

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 22:51

SIL is the tiniest bit batshit, to be sure, but this is a present related thing that I just do not get.

Her DD had a birthday (she turned 9) last summer and my other SIL (SIL2) asked if she could take her shopping and for lunch and let her pick out a few things as a birthday treat. SIL1 got evasive and told SIL2 that she'd just picked up a few things for her DD and if SIL2 wanted she could stop and get them and wrap them to give to her. Ummm...

We all thought that was bizarre and SIL2 was pretty insulted, I think, because I believe she took it as SIL1 thinking she wasn't to be trusted taking DD out for the day. (Which is ridiculous, SIL2 could run the world if given the chance; she's amazingly competent.) We thought it was strange but just kind of shrugged and forgot about it.

Now this past week my DH messaged SIL1 and asked what her DS (he's 11) wanted for Christmas. (He is her DS's godfather and in their family the godparents get them a little something extra) She did the same thing...told DH that she had picked up a few things for him and he could come get them and say they were from him if he wanted.

What in the hell?! Confused Anyone got anything here? I have no idea why she does this.

If it matters, we're all related this way: SIL1 and I are married to brothers. SIL2 is their sister. DH and SIL2 both asked their brother (SIL1's husband) what was up with this odd request and he just said something vague about her not liking people to spend money on the kids. I can see if it were tons all the time but surely for birthday and Christmas when they are their niece and nephew AND their godchildren?

AIBU to not get this? Is there some reason I've not thought of?

OP posts:
frauleinsallybowles · 05/12/2016 22:53

hmmm thats a strange one indeed

user1477282676 · 05/12/2016 22:53

If I have this right, what SIL is doing is buying gifts for other people to give her children? She's choosing them and paying for them?

Yoarchie · 05/12/2016 22:57

maybe she doesn't want a house full of shite? I would be apprehensive about someone taking my similarly aged dc shopping as the dc would get any random crap never to be looked at again.

RaggyDoll1 · 05/12/2016 22:58

wow! never heard of that!

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/12/2016 23:03

It is a bit nutty but in The long run it will save you all a fortune😄

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:05

Yup user, that's it.

Yoarchie I think it was understood that it would be shopping for clothing, like a few tshirts of the brand our niece loves, or some new shorts. That kind of thing.

I don't know if it's just major control freakery or if in her strange way she's trying to be polite and not let people spend on her kids. I can see DH and I as we've got three of our own and are skint at the best of times, but SIL2 and her husband have no DC and are also rolling in cash. :o

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 05/12/2016 23:12

She probably wants any cash to be wisely spent so she doesn't end up with lots of crap in her house. I don't blame her. We buy gifts using amazon wish lists and I don't think it's too far removed from that. I can see how it would be nice to take your godchild shopping though.

MommaGee · 05/12/2016 23:13

Crazy idea but talk to her? No of course not silly, of course we're going to get her something off us! Why wouldn't we!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/12/2016 23:17

Do people take her up on it? Or does she have to give all the gifts as from her?

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2016 23:19

Smacks of control freakery to me. Does she generally hang around if you're in conversation with either of her DC, earwigging? Does she seem reluctant to let them interact with family members when she's not around to monitor the conversation?

BestZebbie · 05/12/2016 23:20

It isn't unusual in our family to buy a gift from a selection that has already been purchased by the recipient or their parent/spouse, and just hand over money and stick on a signed gift tag. But that is because we tend to want niche things or very specific things, and things bought throughout the year get saved to stock the pile for xmas.
However, if someone else wanted to buy a gift and wanted to choose something themself, not buy from the pile, that would be totally fine - unlike in the OP.

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:20

Nice we've suggested gift cards too and she balks at that as well.

Momma I know! It hasn't come up with me yet or I would flat out ask her of course, in the manner you suggested. But if I sought her out and asked her it would make her reeeaalllly uncomfortable. I still might find a way to do it of course Wink I'm much more open and blunt than anyone in the family. DH and his siblings and parents are very reserved but SIL1 makes them look like open books.

OP posts:
Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 23:20

Control,she's a controller,

ijustwannadance · 05/12/2016 23:21

Massive control freak.
Asking people to get something specific. No problem.
Paying for the gifts for others to give.
WtfConfused

GabsAlot · 05/12/2016 23:21

has this only happened rcently?

is there money problems in the family and she feels bad about u all spending?
maybe she overspends then feels guilty

Verbena37 · 05/12/2016 23:22

You're right....batshit crazy!!

Footinmouthasusual · 05/12/2016 23:23

I would just ask the kids what they want via social media or text or phone or in person. They are 9 and 11 so why ask their mom?

MycatsaPirate · 05/12/2016 23:23

Picking up on the points that people have made about SIL not wanting crap in the house.

Surely if the dc concerned wants that crap then it's not crap? It's something that THEY want. Not what SIL wants?

My oldest DSD gave my DD2 some money at the weekend while we were in London visiting. £20. It's been spent already. She bought a gumball machine (utter tat but she wanted it and loves it) and a huge garish multicoloured fluffy pencil case (also tat but useful tat). I wouldn't dream of telling her what she can or can't spend it on!

Children are only young once. Ever read one of those threads where people say what they desperately wanted as a child and never got? For some it's a real thing about missing out on something they really, really wanted.

Can you not ask the BIL if he can get the dc to call so you can ask them directly what they want? I don't think a 9 and 11 year old should be having presents dictated by their mother.

LaContessaDiPlump · 05/12/2016 23:24

I think she's trying to control the influences in her kids lives by controlling what they receive; this is particularly challenging with family, because they don't necessarily behave in ways we approve of but we can't avoid them forever (or drop them altogether as you could with non-family). Hence, this weird in-between shit.

GravyAndShite · 05/12/2016 23:25

Maybe she has a history of being made to feel obliged to people if they do anything for her or give her anythig - taking the old saying 'there is no such thing as a free lunch' to the extreme.

If so maybe she likes to keep a tight control over everything and not accept any gifts or favours.

It's certainly not something I've come across before.

Cagliostro · 05/12/2016 23:25

controlling yes

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/12/2016 23:26

We used to do this. I shopped through the year when my older kids were small. Picking stuff up in sales etc, or buying things as they asked for stuff for Xmas then stash them. In-laws would later in the year ask what the kids wanted. So I'd say we'd bought everything they'd asked for, do you want to give them x or y. They'd often do the same. We all knew each other's budgets, we knew what our kids liked and it saved each other going out hunting for gifts. It worked well for years.

Newsletters you might like

Discover Exclusive Savings!

Sign up to our Money Saver newsletter now and receive exclusive deals and hot tips on where to find the biggest online bargains, tailored just for Mumsnetters.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Parent-Approved Gems Await!

Subscribe to our weekly Swears By newsletter and receive handpicked recommendations for parents, by parents, every Sunday.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

blue25 · 05/12/2016 23:27

Worried that her children may get gifts from others that they prefer/more expensive/desirable than parents' gifts? Her choosing the gifts means this won't happen and she gets to give the 'special', most desired gift and hence is more popular with the child? It is about control and controlling what the children think of the parents and others.

GravyAndShite · 05/12/2016 23:27

Does she buy for your dc?

CheerfulYank · 05/12/2016 23:29

LaContessa not really but she doesn't let them come over to our house. Our kids go to school together and are quite close (my DS1 and her DD are only a week apart in age) but they've only been here for birthday parties.

DH once asked his brother if or niece and nephew could come over sometimes over the summer (as Americans we have the whole summer off and I'm home with my own kids) and he said his wife (SIL1) wouldn't go for it because once she pays for something she has to use it. Her kids are literally two blocks away from my house all summer long at the school's day camp and they can't come over because she paid for the day camp in advance. Hmm It could also be that we always have a dog and she and the kids don't like them, but I wouldn't have the dog around them.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.