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AIBU?

AIBU to expect him to man up before we try to have a baby?

83 replies

SWtoSEGirl · 05/12/2016 12:25

I have been married for almost 2 years, and with my DH for 8 years. Talk over the past year has naturally turned to children and we have just bought our first place together.

DH is really keen to try for a baby now - I'm not quite there yet, but it would really help me if he could engage in the financial repercussions and other responsibilities involved - I try and bring it up regularly, but he just dismisses these things and says he'll 'take care of it all'. This is all very well - at the moment we earn exactly the same amount, but either of us taking time off to care for a child would have a significant financial impact. I've drawn up various budgets to try and plan for the future - but he is so laissez faire about it & this frightens me a lot.

It isn't just this though - I'm sure many people find this, but I take the lion's share of the household chores, washing, cleaning, house admin etc. (we both work equal hours) - and I'm afraid I'll be left looking after two people.

So whilst he says ' he'll take care of it all' - he has done nothing to prove that he would. What would you do in my situation? I've tried talking to him & he says he'll get better, but never does. I don't doubt he'd be a wonderful Dad, so would you just jump in and go for it and trust it would be ok? Or would you insist they help out more and prove themselves before you bring a baby into the equation?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 05/12/2016 12:27

Sort the household chores out first. How dare he leave most of it to you!!

LindyHemming · 05/12/2016 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 05/12/2016 12:32

Why would ypou buy a house and want children when you've already got a child to look after?
You're not his keeper or his mother. Either he splits the chores properly or you should question whybyoure with him in the first place.

A child in an already massively unbalanced situation will just tip the scales even further.

isthistoonosy · 05/12/2016 12:35

Id insist he does half the housework as it is just as much his as it is yours so you should have equal free time.
Id also insist on discussing and agreeing finances not just for a year or two of maternity leave but going forward will your career be put on the back burner (pt/ fitting around kids etc) how will you balance your pensions, life satisfaction etc esp should you divorce later.

ThatStewie · 05/12/2016 12:36

He's really incredibly selfish leaving you with everything. Do you really think he'll be a great father when he's a lazy partner who has dumped most of the shit work on you for 8 years?

The saying 'leopards don't change their spots' is applicable here.

StrawberryShortcake32 · 05/12/2016 12:36

My husband and I were in the same boat only the roles were reversed. You need to sit down together and work out what it will look like once the baby is born.
For example my husband will look after baby on his 2 days off a week and we are lucky enough to have my mother looking after him on a Wednesday leaving 3 days that I can work. You need to know what your situation looks like and work out financially, how much money will you make between you and can you afford to live on that? My husband was anxious about this but once we sat down and made sure we could survive on what money will be coming in he was put at ease.

I would recommend agreeing between you whomever is at home taking care of baby does the chores and housework that day.
I hope that helps and good luck to both of you Smile

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2016 12:41

I'm sure many people find this

Um no, OP, while some unfortunate people may find this I can't say I do. My husband is a grown up, he's capable of cooking, cleaning, laundry, changing the bed, shopping for food and doing admin. He does all of these things and I'd be pretty unimpressed if he didn't.

If he wasn't I wouldn't be with him, never mind planning to add to the work of running a household while trying to raise a child.

Why do you both feel you're better suited to full time work AND running your household by yourself? What's he better at?

I've no doubt he's up for having a baby, he knows you'll do all the work.

SWtoSEGirl · 05/12/2016 13:18

I realise I sound pretty pathetic in my original post, downtrodden etc - which is really not the case. But I am sick of constantly having to ask him to do things, nagging etc. When he does do jobs - he does such a half arsed job it's pathetic. Today's example - I asked him to get the washing out last night - when I get up - I find all our socks and underwear damp and trailing from the washing machine - and a few items hung up. We had houseguests this weekend - and I was the one up early to get breakfast on the table, making plans & getting tea & coffee. These basics just don't seem to occur to him. He just seems incapable of doing anything properly - and I really am far from a perfectionist!

We share cooking equally, so that's a plus.

How do you handle this? I've tried reasoning, I've often been left in tears & he promises to improve - but at the end of the day he is basically lazy & thoughtless & has very low standards. I don't know how to change his mindset.

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 05/12/2016 13:26

Dump him.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 05/12/2016 13:31

When he does do jobs - he does such a half arsed job it's pathetic.

This is so you'll stop asking and don't yourself.

Let me put it this way.
This 'man' has a job, he gets paid to do a task. Why is it then, that phes capable of holding down a job, a fairly good one I assume if you've got a mortgage etc. Why cannhe do that at work but at home he's a useless lazy fucker?
Is it because he knows that at work he'll get sacked, disciplined, told off but at home ypoull moan but ultimately he'll get away with it?

So why donyou want to spend ypour precious life with someone who thinks less of ypou, his supposed partner, than he thinks of his boss? After all, he respects his boss enough to not be a cunt at work.

I'd ask him straight out,
"Why do you treat me like shit? Why do you have no respect for me? Why do you think that you are above me when were supposed to be partners?"

Above all else, I'd continue contraception and forget children until things are equal and have been equal for at least 2 years.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 05/12/2016 13:37

i also agree with above. you have a big baby already so you hardly need another one...........

expatinscotland · 05/12/2016 13:37

'I'm sure many people find this'

Nope, because I'd never have married a person like this. They'd have been dumped at living together and if they proved to be like this after marriage, we'd be divorced.

It's not 'helping', it's lifework and anyone who 'just doesn't see it' or 'does it half-arsed' is not someone I'd share my life, much procreate with.

Instead of 'nagging' or looking for ways to get him to change, ask yourself why you feel the best you can do is someone who thinks all the shitwork in life is yours to do, who minimises, who dismisses you, who can't even have a mature fucking conversation about life with you. Start working on what you want out of life, because the only person you can change is you.

ElphabaTheGreen · 05/12/2016 13:40

Been on a thread recently where the OP was in the process of dis-entangling herself from the kind of cocklodger you're describing, only she'd made the error or having a baby with him. Said baby was 14-15mo by this time and making the break up both more difficult but even more necessary.

Definitely do not procreate until he has shown some long-term improvement, because if you find it annoying now, it will become due cause for homicide once a baby is thrown into the mix (and a baby will categorically NOT change his ways, so don't even think it will.)

gamerchick · 05/12/2016 13:42

Tell him you're not going to try for a baby right now as you already have a child to look after and not to mention it again until he's screwed his head all the way on.

Don't baby make OP, all you'll be doing is increasing your workload. This needs ironing out.

SittingAround1 · 05/12/2016 13:43

Definitely sort out the household chores situation before having the baby. If you don't you'll end up on maternity leave, dependent on him for money AND doing everything around the house which will be a lot more than at the moment (it's incredible how much washing a baby/toddler creates). You'll prob start to really resent him for this.

It needs to be made clear that being at home on maternity leave is harder and more tiring than having a job (esp if you have a normal type office job) .

With regards to childcare, you need to think about and discuss if you'd like to go back to work and when. How much time he's willing to take off. How do you both feel about nurseries/childminders etc. How flexible is his work.
You may change your mind once the baby is born but at least get an idea first of expectations - ie. does he expect you to give up your career for example.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2016 13:46

Do yourself a huge favour and visit the Incompetent Husbands threads in the Relationships section and read those threads. Over and over.

This is not your problem to solve. It's his and he's showing you right now exactly what he thinks of it, which is the square root of FA. He minimises you, dismisses you, fobs you off and carries on being a manchild.

ElphabaTheGreen · 05/12/2016 13:46

Hahahahaha...just spotted this old chestnut in your OP:

I don't doubt he'd be a wonderful Dad

I think engagement in housework is actually a pretty good indicator of what type of parent someone will be. Parenting is 99.99% complicated drudgery, carried out while exhausted. If he won't do straightforward drudgery on a child-free resting schedule, I think that's a fairly reliable indicator that he'll actually be a really shit dad.

MommaGee · 05/12/2016 13:48

I'd do my own washing, ironing etc and not his. Nay job where he can't pitch in equally I wouldn't do his. Bathrooms etc incs there's little way to not to do it but leave his side of the room etc. Show him what happens if you're not wiping his are for him.
Definitely don't have kids yet.
How long would you have off?
What hours would you go back?
Who's do child care?

eggyface · 05/12/2016 13:51

elphaba high five!

expatinscotland · 05/12/2016 13:53

What Elpheba said. The relationships section is full of women stuck with lazy menchildren they claim are 'great dads', but they're not.

Batteriesallgone · 05/12/2016 13:53

A baby won't change him.

As pointed out above, this guy holds down a job. He is capable of completing set tasks to a required standard. If it is a job with any element of creativity, time-management, people management etc then he is also capable of 'seeing' jobs that need to be do.

There is no such thing as a man-brain that can't compute housework.

However one thing I would say - you do have to discuss and agree on standards, and in some areas, a minimum standard is non-negotiable (clothes that don't smell, house that isn't festeringly dirty) in others, it's personal choice (we don't iron in this house!). If he's going to start doing half it's worth bearing in mind half doesn't necessarily mind half of what you do now. It should mean half of what actually needs to be done and anything either of you do above that is your choice.

Batteriesallgone · 05/12/2016 13:55

And this:

I think engagement in housework is actually a pretty good indicator of what type of parent someone will be. Parenting is 99.99% complicated drudgery, carried out while exhausted. If he won't do straightforward drudgery on a child-free resting schedule, I think that's a fairly reliable indicator that he'll actually be a really shit dad

Agree 100%. What you describe is someone who'll be a great fun/Disney dad. Not a competent parent.

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JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 05/12/2016 13:59

also agree that he'll be a fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiite dad.
good luck with the reproducing - you'll have your work cut out for you.
did the shop have big windows when he saw you coming?

VictoriaMcdade · 05/12/2016 14:02

99.9% complicated drudgery - brilliant!

bakingaddict · 05/12/2016 14:02

If you're doing all the housework then you are downtrodden, it's time to take the blinkers off and realise you have no fine catch in this guy. Agree with expat and elephaba. What to do you get serious, don't do his shit and stop being his maid otherwise it will get worse and you'll have decades of being downtrodden to look forward to

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