A bit pissed off with a friend, AIBU?

(44 Posts)
MintyChops Mon 28-Nov-16 20:07:11

A group of us goes away once a year, old uni friends. We are all in our forties now, we always rent a cottage, stay in on one of the nights, drink wine, make dinner, get a bit drunk and dance. We always like taking photos when we are having dinner, out walking, group shots a few selfies etc. All fine. I don't like having my photo taken, I am very overweight and am self-conscious. I can just about tolerate it with some warning. You can see where this is going....

One of the group shot a few videos while we were dancing, being drunk and silly. She has now posted them to our Whatsapp group and several of them feature me, actually focus almost entirely on me and I'm really upset and humiliated. I thought I could dance freely, forget how massive I am and enjoy myself. I look so huge and clumsy and feel so stupid now while at the time it was fun in the cold light of day when you see yourself like that it is awful. I have deleted them but obviously everyone else has them. I want to do tell my friend that I am upset and don't want her to do that again. AIBU? I know it is my issue not hers but it just feels so......sneaky or something.

Yoarchie Mon 28-Nov-16 20:12:06

I'm not sure.
The thing is with weight is that it's an issue for the person themselves. I doubt that this other person really gives much thought to your weight so it could have been done innocently. If she's never been overweight, she might not realise how it makes you feel.
If she is otherwise a completely decent person I'd just forget it. People have gazillions of photos and videos, it'll get lost in the ether. If she has form for stamping on people's feelings or you really think she knows exactly how you feel about this issue then yanbu

Schmoozer Mon 28-Nov-16 20:12:18

Mmm tricky one. If it was put on FB I'd be cross, as it's on the what's app group, presumably viewed only by the ones that were there and saw all the dancing anyway, not so unreasonable. Is the video shared there for reminiscing a good time ? I know what you mean though, I hate seeing myself on video

wowfudge Mon 28-Nov-16 20:13:13

If you've known each other all that time, can you not just tell her that you are very self conscious about photos and videos of you and would prefer if she didn't post them again? If you were my friend, I'd be mortified at the thought I'd upset you.

snowinafrica16 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:15:41

i agree with wow, I understand you're upset, but I don't honestly think your friend has done anything wrong. The fact that you hate the way you look is not something that'll be obvious to anyone else. I doubt it's malicious it's just video of minty having a good time.

DollyPlastic Mon 28-Nov-16 20:16:10

Comment with " wow, that's the last time I relax and enjoy myself when you're around. Thanks for making me feel so self conscious"

ByeByeLilSebastian Mon 28-Nov-16 20:18:26

Could it like a PP suggested and she just didn't think it would be a problem? If she us usually a good friend I think I would mention that I don't like being filmed/having photos taken again and leave it at that.

Mypurplecaravan Mon 28-Nov-16 20:21:25

If you really objectively view the video. Are they focusing just on you? Or are you just seeing yourself?

She has shared it just with people who were there. Not the world. And in a few days none else will remember the videos even exist.

Waltermittythesequel Mon 28-Nov-16 20:22:39

Comment with " wow, that's the last time I relax and enjoy myself when you're around. Thanks for making me feel so self conscious"

Why be so bitchy when it could have been totally innocent.

Did she comment on your size?

It's likely your paranoia causing you to be upset.

Sciurus83 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:23:46

Sorry I think you're overreacting a bit here, it's not public, just to everyone you were with who was there. You'd absolutely have a right to be annoyed if it was on FB but your friend probably just thought this was a nice video of you all having fun to reminisce over. Sorry you feel upset by it though

snowinafrica16 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:25:22

Looking at it the other way, if your friend had left/cut you out of every photo, wouldn't that be weird and like she really was judging you for not looking good enough to feature in photos/videos?

RumAppleGinger Mon 28-Nov-16 20:29:44

What do you think her intentions were OP. Do you think she was trying to embarrass/humiliate you or do you think she just wanted to share her photos and videos with the group of a weekend she enjoyed.

I would probably reply with "oh god! Glad you only shared them on our group chat! What happens at holiday cottage stays at holiday cottage!

PoliticalBiscuit Mon 28-Nov-16 20:30:12

Your friends do not look at that video and see a fat idiot behaving like a twat and looking disgusting.

Your friends look at that video and see the friend that they love, having fun just like all your other friends were.

I totally get why you feel so awful about it but you hate what you see, not what your friends see.

But I would tell my friend I can only relax if I know I'm not on film, I'm sure she'll understand next time.

MintyChops Mon 28-Nov-16 20:30:20

Thank you all, you're right. She is very competitive and can sometimes say slightly mean/stinging things but she's not bitchy. I am just upset that what I remember as fun and an unselfconscious laugh has been shown me, well, me looking huge and stupid.

SeaCabbage Mon 28-Nov-16 20:30:44

Does your gut tell you it was innocent or that this woman was being bitchy?

Can't think of anything worse than having video evidence of me dancing. I feel for you - like you said, you want to let your hair down and not worry about feeling self conscious.

How did the others look on the photos and videos? Do you think they would agree with you about maybe not taking so many in future?

MintyChops Mon 28-Nov-16 20:32:03

Thank you Political, I will mention it next time. It has sort of ruined it for me.

user1480358173 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:35:09

If your friend knows you really do not like having your photo taken and shared about, then if she is a true friend she should not have done this and should have respected your views. If however she did not know you would get so upset, then try not to hold it against her.

MintyChops Mon 28-Nov-16 20:35:26

The others weren't very happy either especially the other overweight one of us who said "Jesus, why would she do that, I look like a beached whale." And promptly deleted the offending photo of herself. The others said "God, why, the horror" but were also amused. Thing is, the camera-happy friend had an early flight on the Sun so she didn't dink as much and posted everything AFTER she had left so no-one could stop her. Not bitchy I think but insensitive.

MintyChops Mon 28-Nov-16 20:36:07

She knows I don't like having my photo taken/ shared.

TinselTwins Mon 28-Nov-16 20:41:29

I disagree with a lot of these posters, IMO this probably isn't 100% innocent, it was probably posted because the friend thought it was "funny".

Drunk dancing is funny, but it's the kinda funny where it's okay to laugh at your own drunk dancing, but a bit mean to laugh at someone else's

monkeyseatpeanutbutter Mon 28-Nov-16 20:44:06

From the info you have given I think there's a good chance she is being unpleasant. At best very selfish and unkind when she knows you and others hate photos.

Given that it isn't Facebook I would be inclined to keep it civil but definitely call her on it to the whatsapp group and get your other friend to do the same. Be clear that it's spoiled a happy weekend and would put you off planning another trip. A blanket ban on videos next time.

Dozer Mon 28-Nov-16 20:45:18

It's really bad manners IMO to post video of friends dancing. Bet she didn't post any of herself.

From the info provided she sounds like a "jellyfish" and to be avoided.

Dozer Mon 28-Nov-16 20:46:11

Most people, whatever their size, would not want video from dancing at an event like that to be posted.

Crispaareafoodgroup Mon 28-Nov-16 20:49:08

I hate it when people post videos of a drunken night out - even just on whatsapp to the people who were there. It makes you think that next time you won't be able to relax and enjoy yourself because you will be too worried about who is filming it.

Italiangreyhound Mon 28-Nov-16 20:53:05

She knows I don't like having my photo taken/ shared.

She sounds insensitive. Remind her. BUT it is not really about how big you are or how good a dancer. IMHO it should be about people respecting your wishes. Cameras can be intrusive. Life's photographers forget we are not all so bloody fascinated with what they do with their camera!

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