To not want stbex cooking Christmas lunch in my house

(28 Posts)
Stripystars Sun 27-Nov-16 22:17:59

This will be our third year apart and last night I emailed him to confirm that we are doing what we have done the last 2 years - him coming round to the family home for most of the day. He said yes but he wants to organise the food this time.

I think this is ridiculous. We are doing this so he can spend time with the dc and they can have Christmas in their main home with both parents, not so he can show off in the kitchen and control what we eat. History is that throughout our marriage he claimed not to care much about Christmas - it was 'nonsense' and he 'couldn't remember' how it had been for him as a child etc etc. Nonetheless, we had to have his family round every single year (despite the fact it was no big deal to them hmm). I admit I did used to insist on having my say on what we ate - traditional roast with twist (neither of us liked turkey), and he used to go on about wanting fish/seafood/curry but I did dig my heels in. Doesn't mean I got my way on everything though; for instance, I didn't choose for him to sleep with a mutual friend in our bed for over 2 years.

Anyway, I really don't want him arsing around in my kitchen on Christmas day cooking a meal I don't want/ However, he is already starting to get nasty about the split now he realises divorce is inevitable and I kind of feel like I should just accept it to keep the peace. AIBU to want to tell him it's my menu or he can't come. I would then want him to take the dc 26th -29th and would have to accept that next year they would spend the big day with him sad.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 27-Nov-16 22:22:26

I personally would scrap him coming over for Christmas, especially of it looks like he will get nasty. You are not a family unit anymore, I don't think it's doing DC any favours to pretend to be for one day. Can he gave them for Christmas Eve, return them in the evening, and you have Christmas Day.

ToadsforJustice Sun 27-Nov-16 22:23:37

Yanbu. It's your menu or he can jog on. Don't make any plans for the 26-29th. Don't ask him to do anything. It will set a precedent. You don't know what your plans will be next year. I wouldn't assume he would want the DC next year if you aren't doing all the cooking and organising.

PaulDacresConscience Sun 27-Nov-16 23:02:36

No - tell him to do one.

I would send a polite email and point out that it's goodwill that means he is joining you for Christmas dinner - and it's bad manners to issue instructions to the host about what they should cook. Tell him if he has an issue with the food then to feel free to fuck off to a hotel for the day instead.

Although if he is being a nasty bastard then I wouldn't invite him at all, on the basis that I wouldn't intend to spend the next however many Christmases with him simply 'for the kids'. If you're divorcing then it's perfectly reasonable to come to an arrangement where you either split or alternate Christmas.

Allalonenow Sun 27-Nov-16 23:24:47

Forget about keeping the peace, time to get tough and get rid of him, or you could still be keeping the peace ten years from now.

Message him to say that as he is not happy with merely being a guest, and as you have absolutely no intention of letting him cook at your house or select the menu, you have withdrawn his invitation.

Don't get drawn into further discussion with him, just get on and plan your own Christmas.

Out of interest, what age are the children?

pipsqueak25 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:03:31

you really need to stand up to him and not be bossed around, easier said than done but thee is some good advice on here.

OohhThatsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 00:06:18

Doesn't mean I got my way on everything though; for instance, I didn't choose for him to sleep with a mutual friend in our bed for over 2 years.

Ouch, OP. That was a really terrible thing for him to do.

Tell him he's invited and he'll eat what he's given or eat nothing. It's not up to him to decide what's on offer. Take it or leave it.

Don't even mention him having the children next year.

user1837559372496 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:10:00

I think you need to move on from spending Christmas Day together.

VimFuego101 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:22:12

I second the posters who said you should knock this arrangement on the head. Presumably he has a place of his own by now so can have the children there for alternate years/ part of the day.

For this year I would remind him that he is a guest in your home and guests don't get to dictate the menu. Tell him to bring a dessert/ cheeseboard/ wine if you want but I wouldn't let him fanny around in the kitchen.

CockacidalManiac Mon 28-Nov-16 00:25:58

Wow - what a weird setup.
Surely it's time to move on?

Bunnyfuller Mon 28-Nov-16 00:49:33

Cheeky bloody git! Tell him to bugger off. The kids will just sense the tension and it won't be fun for them at all. He sounds selfish and arrogant op, you're well rid xx

goddessofsmallthings Mon 28-Nov-16 01:36:12

"However, he is already starting to get nasty about the split now he realises divorce is inevitable and I kind of feel like I should just accept it to keep the peace."

Big mistake on your part. Better to face the prospect of war head on and tell him that, after considering his request to dictate what food you'll be eating on Christmas Day, you've decided that it is in the best interests of all concerned for you to spend this and future Christmases separately.

If you go down the road of appeasement you'll find he'll become increasingly dictatorial, while standing your ground now will establish that you're not going accede to any unreasonable demands from him.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 28-Nov-16 01:43:14

If you think you might waver, I suggest you report your thread and ask mumsnet to move it to the Relationships board where regulars who've been where you are now have no shortage of ammunition helpful advice that will enable you to stand your ground in the face of an onslaught from him.

MimiSunshine Mon 28-Nov-16 01:43:52

Will you allow that every year in order to keep the peace?

If not then put your foot down now and say no of course that's not happening. He's trying to still lay claim, and there's no better way than taking over a kitchen.

He'll be shooing you out and holding you to his cooking timetable and then I can guarantee he'll leave you the washing up and the kitchen will be a bomb site with nothing cleared along the way.

Time to bite the bullet and start doing alternate Christmas I'm afraid

bloodyteenagers Mon 28-Nov-16 02:00:48

Realistically how many years do you expect to continue with this charade?
What about when one of you get a new partner. Can see it now, email from him
Stripy this year I am organizing the food, decided we are going to have seafood starter and fish curry for mains. Oh and you need to buy gifts for dp and the Inlaws. Will be there at 11.
Put an end to it now. And as for what contact he wants, erm it's not about him it's about what the D.C.'s want.

MrsPeelyWally Mon 28-Nov-16 02:19:28

Op, I very much respect your determination to ensure your children have a nice Christmas with mum and dad under the same roof but its really not working out, is it?

I think its time to rethink how you spend the holidays in future as painful as that may be.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 28-Nov-16 02:44:50

I think it must be bloody confusing for your DC to have mummy and daddy playing at happy families with no chance of a proper family life together at non-holiday times...

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 28-Nov-16 03:13:14

" I kind of feel like I should just accept it to keep the peace."
But it doesn't keep the peace, does it? It just pushes your boundaries back and back. Gives him the confidence to keep pushing.

You say he's "starting to get nasty about the split now he realises divorce is inevitable". (He thought it wasn't?? Sheesh.) So see this 'offer' to organise the food for what it is - an attempt to bring you back under his control. Is that what you want, him in control of your life? Well no, or you wouldn't be divorcing him.

Make it clear that he is being invited as a guest of the children, and that he is in no position to issue orders to you. You will be selecting and making the meal that you want to have. If he doesn't want that then you will understand if he prefers to spend Christmas elsewhere.

Stand firm. Treat him like a toddler; say what you mean, mean what you say and no backtracking. Otherwise, like a toddler, he will learn that being obstreperous will get him what he wants because you will back down. Don't make that rod for your own back.

Remember - toddler.

girlywhirly Mon 28-Nov-16 08:26:07

I agree, it's time for him spending Christmas day in the family home to end. Due to his adultery, and the fact that this is yours and the DC's home now, and not his, he no longer gets to dictate what he will do.

I would make it very clear that any nastiness will not be tolerated. I understand that you invited him to Christmas at yours for the sake of the DC, and so that you wouldn't have to take turns to have them each Christmas, but it really isn't working. They will have to get used to it sooner or later. Some parents manage to have their DC for half a Christmas day each if they live relatively close. What currently happens about contact, because Christmas is a special time for which usual contact days can be changed.

I think that it suited STBXH to have Christmas at yours, you did all the shopping, cooking, decorating while he turned up and continued to swan around. It will be interesting to find out how a man who doesn't care much about Christmas will actually do when it comes to having to make the effort himself.

Ahickiefromkinickie Mon 28-Nov-16 10:00:17

So he shagged your friend and is now getting nasty about the split?

Boo hoo.

I would not be able to tolerate him at my home let alone eat his cooking.

Would he even tidy up/wash up after cooking the meal?

ThereIsOneRoomLeft Mon 28-Nov-16 10:15:05

Forget about appeasing him to stop him getting nasty. He will get nasty at things you never even thought he would get nasty about if he is that way inclined.

Withdraw invite. Plan a Christmas that is of your own making, make new traditions and decide with children what you would all like for Christmas dinner and enjoy it without him. If he wants to see the the children on Christmas day he can see them where he lives or if that is too far in a hotel, or have them after Christmas for a few days to do his 'Christmas' with them.

Basically, behaving in a reasonable way is likely to enrage him. You seem reasonable. Get used to him getting enraged about your reasonable behaviour.

The children at some point will need to get used to not having dad around on Christmas day. Bite the bullet, because dragging it out does no one any favours, including the children.

(Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, written the book, got the court papers to prove it).

SpringerS Mon 28-Nov-16 10:49:17

Why not just send him an email saying, thanks for the offer but I already have everything ordered. Then if you want you can suggest he could bring along a dessert if he likes. Just keep it civil and breezy, reasonable but firm. No need to go to war if you don't have to but no need to bend to his will either.

BadKnee Mon 28-Nov-16 15:55:19

Deal with it as an adult.

Simple. He is invited to your home to share a meal that you prepare.

Next year he has the children.

All the other stuff is irrelevant

Inertia Mon 28-Nov-16 16:07:39

No, you don't have to go along with this to keep the peace.

You don't even have to invite him to your home. If he comes, he's a guest- he doesn't get to give the orders now, he isn't your husband anymore, he can cook his own Christmas dinner in his own home if he wants.

humblesims Mon 28-Nov-16 17:22:42

I kind of feel like I should just accept it to keep the peace

Nope. Your house. Start as you mean to go on. Give him an inch.....

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