To ask if you have same parenting style as your husband/partner?

(16 Posts)
Mummyyummy2012 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:48:21

I didn't really realise until I had kids how different my partner and I would parent our children and it's a source of almost continual conflict. It's made me wonder if some relationships just can't survive children (we are starting Relate soon) or if other people are just better at compromise.
A couple of examples;

I like us to eat around a table together as much as possible- DP isn't arsed and actually went to eat his tea in other room today on his own (rude)

I like the kids to have a defined bedtime routine- DP just lets them run riot, esp if I have gone out

I don't like shouting, particularly in the car. DP just behaves as he likes and shouts and rants at others with kids in the car. He seems to have no boundaries

Having kids has highlighted a lot of issues about how we parent and behave.

Aibu to ask for some other examples of this as wonder if it's just us and that we didn't discuss this enough before having children?

Bobochic Sun 27-Nov-16 18:52:34

Your DH sounds very unstructured and as if he has low personal discipline. Is the root cause of your differences personality rather than parenting?

BertieBotts Sun 27-Nov-16 18:57:09

No we don't - but I have to say, your differences sound less like "parenting style differences" and more him doing fuck-all parenting, because he knows that you'll do it, so it doesn't matter.

Parenting style differences is normally when you think different things are important or you deal with conflict or situations in different ways (something which used to make me quite anxious, but I've come to think is probably a good thing) - it's not where he does nothing and you're the only one actually doing any parenting at all.

Scooby20 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:59:26

Me and dh are quite different.

He had a relaxed childhood and he and his sister went off the rails. I had an strict upbringing and also went off the rails. So both of us wanted to parents differently than our parents.

I wanted to be more relaxed he wanted to be stricter.

Honestly it hasn't been easy but we have found a middle ground. By talking. I don't correct him in front of the kids and he does the same.

But if I think he has been harsh I will speak to the kids after and then talk to dh about what I didn't like. If he was awful to them then I would step in. But he isn't. We discuss what we think we should do next and often he goes and talks to them again.

We also talk about our childhoods. I put myself in dangerous situations to avoid mums outbursts and the drama that would follow. I want my kids, if it's possible, to know I will always be at the end of the phone. I may not like what they have done but will be happy they came to me for help. Dh understands why I don't do over the top punishments. But I understand why he doesn't want to be too relaxed and have no boundaries.

Dinner at the table is really important to dh. Especially since I am rarely home from work until 8pm. I am not so fussed, but do it because it's important to him. Over the years I have come to see the importance of it and enjoy it too.

But originally it was compromise. Dinner in my house was eating while mum went on about how busy she had been all day, how we were ungrateful, how she did everything (she didnt) and all the things she expected of us that evening. It wasn't family time and I hated it. But compromised for dh. He compromises for me too.

Scooby20 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:00:54

Forgot to add that acting how you want and upsetting people and children isn't a difference in parenting styles. It's acting like a selfish twat.

Shouting and screaming because yiu want to is just shitty behaviour.

LittleLionMansMummy Sun 27-Nov-16 19:02:22

Dh and I were very different when ds was born. Same values thankfully and that was the glue that held us together - we've just sometimes rubbed each other up the wrong way in terms of how we go about instilling those values. I suppose dh is 'stricter' than me in many ways. We had loads of arguments at first, but have learned to learn from each other and compromise over the past 6 years and feel much more 'together' about parenting our 2 day old dd.

Artandco Sun 27-Nov-16 19:08:27

Dh and I are fairly similar I think. Both kinda relaxed, hippy vibe I suppose, but with some rules

operaha Sun 27-Nov-16 19:12:46

Ex husband and I couldn't parent together, we divorced over it.
I still cringe when youngest comes home telling me that he was shouted at etc, it would never ever have worked with us.

Mummyyummy2012 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:18:39

@operaha did you get any counselling? I generally feel like it will be the end of my relationship as I cringe now at the way DP speaks to the kids

slenderisthenight Sun 27-Nov-16 19:26:52

I did make sure to marry someone who would have a similar parenting style but we still do things differently sometimes.

I think we're lucky because we defer to each other on different things - we both have our areas of 'expertise'.

Ultimately our values for the kids are the same, so if one of us can argue that something is better for them emotionally or whatever, we don't have a reason to hold out.

But maybe I'm kidding myself and it works because he has decided to let me have the last word most of the time!

slenderisthenight Sun 27-Nov-16 19:28:30

I think your clashes over parenting sound more like a symptom of much bigger relationship issues TBH, OP. I didn't reflect on your OP enough before posting first.

operaha Sun 27-Nov-16 19:36:56

We tried it, but I didn't want to save the marriage then. We'd had children way too young, our first when I was 18, by accident. I had no idea of the kind of father he'd be.
Kids love him but they don't respect him that much...

junebirthdaygirl Sun 27-Nov-16 22:23:37

We are a bit like slenderisthenight.Dh deferred to me a lot as l had strong ideas of what l wanted and he was mostly happy to row in. But we differed too. I was all for lots of extra curricular stuff as we didn't have money for that growing up but he wanted them to be freer as that was his childhood. Sitting at the table was an absolute must for me having always had that but so had dh so no argument. But have to admit he did shout at other drivers at times which l absolutely hated.
I think it's OK to have different opinions if we can learn from each others good points but a bloody father who won't sit at the table for family dinner when he knows it's important to you is selfish not different.

Msqueen33 Sun 27-Nov-16 22:30:13

This is an issue in our house. I feel dh is a lazy parent. Doesn't get too involved unless it directly affects him. I enforce good behaviour more whereas he'd let them do whatever unless they affected him. We've also got two Sen kids which hadn't helped and the relationship to me doesn't feel great. In general I want him to help more, he thinks he does and accuses me of having stupidly high expectations (changing our bed once in a while, cleaning a bathroom). I feel at the moment he can't be bothered to parent.

I hope relate works out for you. I do think kids can make or break a relationship as things you could live with are highlighted when you have kids.

BumDNC Sun 27-Nov-16 22:58:26

I had to leave because we were so different. It drove me bonkers. Now he has a new baby with another woman and seems to be repeating all the same mistakes! No bedtimes, yelling, no patience etc. Then we couldn't communicate with each other over it at all so it was me battling against his annoying parenting and him battling me battling him. It was exhausting.

I am a very relaxed parent with some things whereas he seems to get all het up about the little things.

MadMadDonna Sun 27-Nov-16 23:00:03

He sounds like a twat

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