AIBU stopping my 18yr old Daughter staying out overnight (when there's weed involved!!)

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Saffy38 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:27:26

I am desperate for help.

My Daughter recently started going out with a group of new friends after turning 18yrs old. We were pleased because she hasn't had any good friends throughout her school life, and now she's out with friends who are aged up to 24. She started staying over one of the friends flat over the weekends and all was ok for a while (because I thought they were all just friends).

We have always been very open with both children and we are a very close family. My Daughter has talked to us about everything - ALWAYS; but the latest developments are a parents worse nightmare, and I am honestly beside myself as to what to do.

She was a virgin, but she's told us that she's been sleeping with her bi-sexual boyfriend for about a month. She says she's in love with him one week, but the next week she's in bits because he doesn't treat her nicely. He has admitted that he cannot show her affection; he cannot hold her hand in public or show her any affection outside; he hasn't spent a penny on her when they're all out (because he only does a few measley hours in a supermarket & has no money!), yet she spends all her money on cabs to his flat, cabs back, bottles of drink, she even has to buy her own food because he cooks himself dinner and eats it in front of her, without even asking if she wants anything!!

She's told us that They have sex almost every time and believes she's in love - despite him treating her like a dog....although, he'd probably feed a dog! We recently found out that he smokes dope every day, and he's even got her smoking it now!

She has asked us for our help to get her out of the relationship with him a couple of times (which we have), but has always gone back to him. It's been truly awful here for the last 6 weeks. We even changed her mobile number and blocked her internet access, which she agreed to. She's been in tears because she's so confused, we've been in tears because we're trying to get her to understand that the way he's treating her and the sexual things he is suggesting that he's going to do to her (I'll leave that to your imagination!) and to be honest, I am honestly struggling to cope.

Another friend (boy) who she hadn't seen for a few years got in touch recently and suggested they go out for a catch up (just someone she'd quite liked when they worked together 2yrs ago)...he treated her like a Queen and she came back ecstatic, on cloud 9. She thought about it all night, comparing the 2 and was thrilled to tell us that she knows the bi-sexual relationship is wrong,my hat she's being used! We were so happy. An hour later (because the bi-sexual boyfriend keeps texting her lovey, dovey crap) she is back in love with the other one!!

We have said that if she is choosing the bi-sexual one, that now we know that they are over there smoking drugs, she cannot stay overnight there anymore! She lost the plot, said she was an adult and could do what she wanted, but we asked her what decent parents would want their 18yr old Daughter sleeping round a pig sty, getting drunk and smoking drugs??!!

AIBU?? She said that we are dead to her; that we interfere with her life all the time (yet she always NEEDS us to get her out of situations!); that she'd rather leave home.....it was awful yesterday. She hasn't spoken to us since the argument yesterday morning and went out at 10am this morning- she's still not home. We know that she's with her (girl)friend who absolutely agrees with everything we have said and is trying to help her see sense about the way the bi-sexual boyfriend is treating her.

But please tell me if our feelings are irrational!! Are we supposed to leave her to get on with whatever she wants, even though we know she's going round there and they're smoking drugs??! We are pulling our hair out with stress!!

I'm sorry if this post is too long 😥😥

JenLindleyShitMom Sun 27-Nov-16 18:32:03

Well yes she is an adult and can stay where she likes but TBH it sounds like you have kept her very sheltered/naive for some reason and she doesn't have the tools to know her own mind and work out for herself who is good to her and who is using her.

Arfarfanarf Sun 27-Nov-16 18:32:45

You arent unreasonable at all to feel the way you do. They dont stop being your child when they hit 18. I'd want to chain mine to a radiator!

But.

She is 18.
She is legally an adult.
You are not in charge of her and cannot control her actions and choices.
The only thing you can do is set out rules for coninuing to live in your home.
You cannot tell an adult what they may do where they may go who they may see.
You can only say live here or not.

Harsh but you have absolutely no legal right to dictate to an adult.

It's terrifying because at 18 theyre still so young and so vulnerable.

statetrooperstacey Sun 27-Nov-16 18:35:47

Yes I think u have to let her get on with it sorry. Hard I know , try and get her to think about an implant or contraceptive injection or something, I also wouldn't be pulling my hair out. She is 18 and has a crap boyfriend, it's a learning curve!

Littleballerina Sun 27-Nov-16 18:38:01

I love that she's been so honest with you.
She's 18. You need to listen and be there to pick up the pieces but you can't do much else.

EdmundCleverClogs Sun 27-Nov-16 18:40:16

Why on earth are you so invested in her sex life? She's 18, and quite frankly your attitude is a bit odd. Of course you have a right to be worried about her, but most teens' first 'loves' are a bit shit and fizzle out after a few weeks (as she will likely realise). Give her some space to grow up, just be there when it inevitably falls apart (do not say 'I told you so' or suggest Whatshisface The Nice Boy to cheer her up). Show her some respect as an adult, offer advice but stop being so over involved.

Couchpotato3 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:42:12

Your feelings aren't irrational, and of course you want to protect her from the potential harms of this situation with the horrible boyfriend. However, you've done all you can to help when she's asked you to, and beyond advising her to dump him, and being there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong, I don't think there is much more you can do. She needs to find her own way through this. You can't ban her from staying out all night if that's what she chooses to do. You can ban certain people or activities in your own house, but that's as far as it goes. Tread carefully - if she moves in with the boyfriend, things may be even worse for her. At least she has home to run to at the moment.

harderandharder2breathe Sun 27-Nov-16 18:44:04

Yabu to keep referring to him as bisexual, that has nothing to do with anything else

He is treating her like shit but like most people, it's hard for her to walk away from someone she loves, especially first love

She's 18. She's an adult. You can advise her and support her but how exactly are you planning to stop her doing anything? Your just going to stop her being honest with you.

BraveDancing Sun 27-Nov-16 18:44:54

The constant and totally unnecessary reference to his bisexuality is also creeping me the hell out. Whether he fancies just women or men and women is irrelevant to how he treats her and I wonder if at least part of this huge overreaction is because you have some deep seated discomfort with his sexuality.

Definitely back off. Be there when it falls apart, listen if she wants to talk but she's 18. She needs to work this out herself.

PortiaCastis Sun 27-Nov-16 18:45:19

I've got an 18 year old and yes she's an adult but I've never smelt weed on her. She does have a bf and also a part time job while doing her A levels
I wouldn't know when she lost her virginity because that's her business not mine but I do know she's using contraception because she went to the practice nurse and then came home and told me.
Sorry your dd is an adult same as mine

LovingLola Sun 27-Nov-16 18:45:37

Is she using contraception - condoms? Last thing she needs is a pregnancy.

Re all the rest I would be not one bit happy.

WallToWallBastards Sun 27-Nov-16 18:45:42

How is the bisexuality relevant? A shitty relationship is a shitty relationship regardless of the sexuality of rose involved. YANBU to try and protect her. But don't push her away, please keep being supportive so she knows she can always count on you for help when she's ready.

aginghippy Sun 27-Nov-16 18:46:16

It's a terrible situation, but I agree with pp that you can't control her actions. If anything, all it will do is drive her away from you.

It's good that you have a close relationship and that she talks to you. You need to keep talking and listening to her. Let her know you love her. Be there for her.

Also, the fact that the boyfriend is bisexual is neither here nor there. The point is that he is using her and treating her badly.

iwilldoit30 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:46:57

Hmmmm tricky one.
She is a adult and can do what she likes and it's tough, your gonna have to accept it. Tell her it's her life and she can do what she wants and you have no interest anymore in the subject as you have already advised her, then leave her be.

Then be there for her in a few months time when she falls to pieces, grows up a bit and realises what a fool she has been. She will need you, and you should be there for her.

She sounds in love but with him treating her this way it shouldn't take much longer for her to see, just ride this one out.

BraveDancing Sun 27-Nov-16 18:47:06

Oh and she's not in a bisexual relationship. She's in a heterosexual relationship with a bisexual man. Just to clarify. Bisexuality isn't contiguous.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sun 27-Nov-16 18:47:59

We have said that if she is choosing the bi-sexual one

"The bisexual one".

His bisexuality is a really big deal for you, isn't it?

ilovesooty Sun 27-Nov-16 18:48:35

I don't see why you should expect him to spend money on her. Presumably if she's old enough to be going out she can fund herself socially?

NerrSnerr Sun 27-Nov-16 18:49:22

You sound really homophobic and fixated on his sexual orientation. Would you refer to a straight boyfriend as the heterosexual one?

She's 18, she sounds like she's led a really sheltered life. She has to learn how to handle these things one day.

ilovesooty Sun 27-Nov-16 18:49:45

Yes "the bisexual one" is appalling.

Fibbertigibbet Sun 27-Nov-16 18:54:19

YANBU for being unhappy that your daughter is in an unhappy relationship.

YABU for referring constantly to her boyfriend's bisexuality and for thinking you can tell her what to do aged 18. She's been honest towards you- support her, don't push her away.

Marmalade85 Sun 27-Nov-16 18:54:55

Has she led a very sheltered existence thus far? She is 18yo and it's great she confides in you, however, just be ready to pick up the pieces and perhaps not get so over involved in her love life.

TheBouquets Sun 27-Nov-16 18:58:02

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FlyingElbows Sun 27-Nov-16 18:58:32

She's an adult. You are way overinvested in her sex life (although I suspect that's the point of this hmm).

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:00:50

I think you are risking driving her away (and probably into his arms) by being so strict. She is an adult at the end of the day. Although it is hard to watch, I think you need to leave her to make her own decisions (right or wrong) , and just be there to pick up the pieces when she needs you.
You say she hasn't really had friends before? Could this be why she is relying so heavily on you for everything?
You say yourself that she realises he isn't treating her well. That is a good sign! she just needs to make the next step, but it has to be her decision . As hard as it may be op you need to take a step back.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Sun 27-Nov-16 19:01:01

The Bi-sexuality is relevant because the boyfriend could be unfaithful with males and females, so double the chances of heartbreak.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a statistition in the house. hmm

As for the STIs, they should using condoms regardless of the sex of the ppl he's had sex with in the past.

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