to think he should treat his dc's equally?

(9 Posts)
YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 16:43:31

I spoke to my ex last week, and in the course of conversation he told me he was shortly about to make some changes to his will. I was still wrapped up in the previous topic and also had my 'someone else's money, not my business' head on, so I just listened and 'mm-hmm'ed and only absorbed what he'd said later on.

Firstly I found out that he has made no will provision for our 20 year old dc up until now which is both irritating but not remotely surprising. He also has a 35 year old dc from a previous relationship.

What has angered me the more I think about it is that he intends to sign his property over to his 35 year old (partly because he is about to move in with a girlfriend and wants to protect her from ever having a claim on his house, not that he'll tell her that). His plan for our dc is to take out some kind of policy, he said a 10 year policy, which would pay out around £100,000 in the event of his death and he informed me "works out at about half the cost of the property anyway." Firstly, his house is worth more than £200,000 and secondly, he seems blithely unaware - or worse, unconcerned - that our dc stands to inherit less than half of his half-sibling. The funny thing is that if both dc's were on the deeds he could feel more secure, as I wouldn't put it past him to one day decide he needs the house back, or wants it sold so he can have the money. My dc would absolutely do whatever his df asked, his older one is a lot more savvy and would not let go of the house once it was in her name. Not that I blame her, she knows her df is a flake and she'd probably also end up with nothing.

Also our DC has SEN and he intends to employ some kind of advisor/trust manager to make sure I don't get my hands on it ensure he doesn't get taken advantage of, who will be paid from the fund. This plan ignores the fact that a big issue our dc has is that he does not communicate with strangers! He doesn't make phonecalls, he doesn't open letters, he doesn't email, he only answers his mobile to me and my sister. He would simply not be able to run all purchases by a voice on the phone.

There are also others issues attached to the idea of a policy. he said it would run for 10 years and then get renewed. He's in his 60s now. Even assuming he doesn't just forget to renew at some point, I could see him deciding premiums had got too expensive and that he'd just leave him less. History here is that he had some kind of 15 year kid ISA for our dc, that he cashed in and spent when he had cashflow issues. He won't have had any paid financial advice. He's the type of person who will never buy something if he can borrow it, and that includes this kind of advice. He probably phoned someone he used to know who sold insurance policies and is using their cutting edge info.

He is already a very neglectful parent to our anxious and depressed dc, and treats him to a 'flying visit' twice a year, and the thought that his last communication to him would be "Well, I just love my other child more I guess, bye!" is heartbreaking. Our son has social and communication issues, but he's not stupid. If he gets to read the will he'll understand. He doesn't even care about money as long as he's kept in Fanta and PS4 games, it would be the disparity that would hurt him.

(And so as not to drip-feed, his DF doesn't not contribute financially except to hand over £100 with a flourish on his twice yearly visits like Daddy Warbucks. I know my dc is 20, but his issues and our total lack of a support system make it impossible for me to work and we are currently living on benefits.)

The only good thing about my ex's eventual death is that there will probably only be one last huge disappointment to help my son cope with.

AIBU to want to call him and tell him to shove his plan up his arse, along with everything he owns?

YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 17:00:17

Sorry my OP is so long, and not very articulate. If I get no responses I'll try again later with an abridged version!

ConvincingLiar Sun 27-Nov-16 17:08:38

I agree it sounds unfair. I wouldn't get cross with him, but it sounds like you have nothing to lose in calmly telling him what you think and suggesting a fair alternative.

YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 18:08:26

Unfortunately just speaking to him makes my blood pressure rise, so trying to tackle a sensitive subject that affects my son - I'll have to drink a whole bottle of Rescue Remedy! But you're right, I should try.

YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 21:39:27

Bumping once in case anyone has a different viewpoint, then I'll let it fall!

littlesallyracket Sun 27-Nov-16 22:02:36

I totally agree that it seems unfair on your son, and I think you should explain to your ex that you think your son will feel hurt by the disparity and also that his communication problems could cause issues in terms of him having to deal people appointed to manage the funds.

When you talk to him, you need to be careful when it comes to mentioning some of things you've outlined in your post - ie, a lot of the problems you've foreseen are just things that you think might happen because your ex is crap about things, and I don't think pointing out all the ways in which he's crap are likely to make him want to cooperate. I completely understand your frustrations and your worries, but most people find it really annoying to have their character flaws pointed out and to be told off for things that haven't happened yet (however likely they are...)

So, I would just focus on the fact that your son would be hurt and that you don't want him to remember his father as the person who treated him unfairly - and also on the practical problem of your son being unable to discuss things with trust managers. I really sympathise. It sounds like an odd and tricky situation, even if your ex honestly believes he's doing the right thing and treating his children equally.

bridgetoc Sun 27-Nov-16 22:16:21

It's not always the case that siblings get an equal share of a parents estate. I did not get anywhere near the same as my sister, but I had no problem with that.

YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 22:29:57

When you talk to him, you need to be careful when it comes to mentioning some of things you've outlined in your post - ie, a lot of the problems you've foreseen are just things that you think might happen because your ex is crap about things, and I don't think pointing out all the ways in which he's crap are likely to make him want to cooperate. I completely understand your frustrations and your worries, but most people find it really annoying to have their character flaws pointed out and to be told off for things that haven't happened yet (however likely they are...)

Yes, I know you're right. I'm used to fighting for services for my dc, and 15+ years of it has worn my patience down. I'll make notes and try not to veer off-point. (With a big headline at the top warning 'Under no circumstances call him a twat, wait till you've hung up!')

YorkiesGlasses Sun 27-Nov-16 22:35:06

It's not always the case that siblings get an equal share of a parents estate. I did not get anywhere near the same as my sister, but I had no problem with that.

To be honest, a £100,000 inheritance would be brilliant for dc on the face of it, if it were pretty much guaranteed. But how many parents decide that it's their child with special needs who should inherit less? His other dc owns her home, has a very good job, no sen issues. I don't think she should inherit less, but I don't know why he thinks she should inherit twice as much as her half-brother.

The only other thing he mentioned was that neither ds nor I have any experience with property, as if it you'd need to take a course in it...

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