There is a long backstory, but to be brief- DB and I are not close, pretty strained relationship due to his previous behaviour. I think we both find each other irritating and frustrating.
My dad has been diagnosed as in early stages of early onset dementia and has a lot of other chronic health problems. My DM does some caring (managing medicines, makes sure he goes to appointments etc). Although he is mostly independent inside the house his mobility problems mean he has to go out with someone. I'm a single parent now and as parents live nearby DM helps with school runs/pick ups most days and if I'm working at weekends. She and DD are very close.
DD and I are moving house and our new home has a "granny wing". After much discussion, parents and I have decided the best way forward for us all is if parents sell their home and move into the granny wing- provides stability for DD and means mum has help with dad if/when she needs it. Suits us all. DPs want to make some alterations to their bit, and as they aren't essential they have agreed to pay for these changes. That is the only contribution (financially) they will make to this. They are not contributing to deposit/mortgage.
DB has thrown an absolute strop because he thinks it is unfair. This seems to be because: a) he wasn't consulted; b)he wasn't given the option of parents moving in with his family; c) he thinks I am going to gain financially out of this; and d) he thinks it's unfair DD will see more of her DGP than his children will.
DB did know it was something our parents and I had been mulling over since DF's diagnosis. We knew he wasn't keen, but don't really feel we need his "permission" to do this. I have also tried to explain that I really don't gain financially, although do acknowledge that having DM around will help with childcare. DD and DM are already close, she does help me out with childcare more than DB/SIL and I do understand that might sting a bit. However, DB/SIL live 45 minutes away- DD and I are 10 minutes down the road. DB/SIL don't drive so for visits DM always has to do the driving whether they are visiting DB or the other way round. It seems to me that it's one of those things, not deliberately unfair but just the way it works out. FWIW, SIL parents live reasonably nearby and do help out a lot. So it's not like they don't get any support.
With regards to point b)- they live just over 45mins away from us, in a flat in town. My parents would not want to live in the town. Neither DB or SIL drive, and so DB would struggle to get to work if the moved out of town. SIL and DP's have a distant but cordial relationship- I don't think any of them would choose to live together TBH. DB and SIL are not in a financial position to buy a house, so it's all a bit of a moot point anyway.
I don't really care what DB thinks, but his reaction (and on-going attitude) is upsetting DF at a time when he's feeling quite vulnerable, which is also both upsetting and angering DM.
DB and I had an argument tonight over this and SIL has also given her tuppence worth regarding how "unfair" it all is. I don't feel he/they should have been given a veto- whilst it would have been nice if he was positive about the plan, ultimately it was not his decision to make. Now he's making things difficult (again) and we're all supposed to pay more heed to him than the needs of everyone else. He feels unfairly treated and left out. I sort of get how it could feel that way, but he is an adult and needs to take a step back and see the bigger picture.
I also suspect that the real issue is actually about jealousy/money and his suspicion that somehow I will be gaining from this. He is generally a bit like this about financial things. He also feels DD is favoured over his DCs and that DD is getting more opportunities than his DC because of the disparity in our lifestyle. I feel we both made our choices, and now we are where we are largely because of them. I have had some luck and help along the way, of course, but also worked hard and made good decisions. So I won't feel guilty about that.
I don't really know what to do now- I would quite happily let him stew but I know DF is stressed by this and wants everyone to get along. AIBU to not make some sort of overture to DB? This would grate with me- and I feel encourage DB to continue to feel "hard done by". WWYD?
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AIBU?
Argument with DB.
37 replies
jacks11 · 27/11/2016 02:13
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