AIBU to be annoyed DH wont tidy up

[Trace11]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but have been reading the threads with interest, lots of good advice.

I'm off work today and am getting myself worked up because my DH does not tidy up after himself. He will do the odd wash and will put my clothes in too, and we take it in turns to do dishes. He will let them pile up so our (very small) kitchen is full of dirty dishes before they get done.

In our bedroom his clothes are all on the floor next to his bedside, where he takes them off the night before. I have to step all over them to close and open the curtains. I've gone through periods where I've picked them up because it grates on me so much, but then I think why should I?! He's a grown man!

He smokes rollies and there is ash and tobacco all on the floor and table in the dining room. I feel like he has no respect for the place!! We don't have kids but are ttc, he says he's giving up soon but if he doesn't I worry about having a little one crawling around!

Other than this he is a very caring and sweet husband, and sometimes I think there are worse things we could be arguing about. But this gives me anxiety, I'd be ashamed if a neighbour or friend popped round unannounced, and tend to see friends outside of the house rather than invite them over, unless I've had chance to tidy up.

AIBU, and if not how can I deal with this?!

[ijustwannadance]

Have you actually told him to stop being a lazy bugger and clean up after himself?

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

My DH leaves his clothes at the side of the bed. I don't really care tbh. He is brilliant in so many other ways. The smoking would bother me - I think cleaning up the ash and throwing away old butts is necessary TTC or not.

Can you ask him to start smoking outside? Second hand smoke is really unpleasant and bad for you.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Stop TTC until you have resolved the matter.

Talk to him. Is he actually aware that you are ashamed of the state of the house? Have you discussed the division of domestic labour?

[Trace11]

I've spoken to him so many times but he gets annoyed and we end up arguing, he doesn't feel he should have to keep to my cleaning standards just because they're different from his.

I've asked him to smoke outside and he does it for a few times then gradually comes back in. I'll have a word with him when he gets in from work, might let him take his shoes off first so he doesn't feel he's been ambushed!! Thanks.

[MadameCholetsDirtySecret]

I don't understand how he can be caring if he knows how much his slovenly ways are upsetting you? A caring person is always caring, they don't cherry pick the areas where they want to be caring.

[Trace11]

Whereyouleftit - I haven't put that fine a point on it but yes I've said before I'd rather meet people outside of the house.

When we moved in we discussed cleaning, had a little chart of who does what, but it wasn't stuck to and now cleaning is just as and when, and most often me doing it. We both work full time and I'm thinking now about getting a cleaner so we don't have to argue about this.

[DoinItFine]

Leaving tobacco all over the floor is below the standard expected in a home with a baby.

Stop TTC until he grows up.

You won't make it past the first few months with a newborn if he is this much of a slob now.

[Trace11]

Madame- I just think he doesn't see the dirt!! I don't get it because it stresses me out but either that or he doesn't see it as a problem!

He's caring as in he works hard outside of the home, he always brings me tea, will run a bath if I'm feeling stressed, always asks me about work etc. He looks after me. They sound like little things but he is a sweetie really.

[gamerchick]

Don't try for babies yet as this irritation will turn into a huge 'thing'.

No smoking in the house, even when I smoked it was outside, nobody is allowed to smoke indoors.

Honestly go back on contraception for the minute until this is ironed out.

[PickAChew]

You need to address his teen slob tendencies before you bring a child into this relationship because that will only make it all ten times more stressful.

[Trace11]

Doinitfine- I do worry that his ways will rub off on any kids we do have, then it'll be the mess of two or three people not just him!

[Rollonbedtime7pm]

My DH is like this (not the smoking though) and it annoys me that I am perceived as and turned into a nag because he doesn't care enough to tidy up.

We do have kids and I actually find it kind of sad that he doesn't care enough about what kind of environment they live in, don't get me wrong it's not a hovel but he could be less lazy that's for sure!

Definitely sort it before a baby turns up or you'll be picking up after everyone!

[Hellmouth]

In our bedroom his clothes are all on the floor next to his bedside, where he takes them off the night before

That's me lol.

The other stuff is disgusting though, you should have a word about that. also, if you're planning on kids, he shouldn't smoke indoors anyway, so if he can't quit by then, tell him he'll have to smoke outside!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Well yes, you could get a cleaner but you're still going to have fag ash all over the floor and table for six days a week, aren't you?

You have a choice. Either accept that he sees it as women's work and that you are just his skivvy that he keeps on board with displays of affection (between arguments); or make some changes. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. Very true words.

Talking hasn't worked. What else are you willing to do?

And FFS stop calling him 'caring'. He isn't. He doesn't care enough about you to stop flicking his fag ash everywhere. He doesn't care that the state of the house means you don't invite anyone round. He doesn't care that he's leaving all the chores to you and that's unfair on you. He doesn't care about anything apart from his lifestyle being serviced by his skivvy.

[2014newme]

Ew. I couldn't live like that, gross

[DoinItFine]

His ways won't rub off on your kids, because you will split up before tgey are old enough for that to matter.

You get through the tough baby and toddler years by pulling together to look after them, yourselves, and your home.

You don't seem submissive enough to let him exploit yiu without resentment, so you won't make it.

But you will be bringing a child into a filthy, unhygienic home.

[TheFlis12345]

Make him read that 'my wife left me because I left my dishes on the side' blog post.

[TheWitTank]

There is being untidy and then there is being dirty and unhygienic. The smoking indoors would be a deal breaker for me -especially leaving ash and tobacco all over the floor. Grim. He clearly is expecting you to clean up behind him. If you don't want to pander to a man-child as well as a new baby, I would rethink the TTC for now and take a close look at your relationship.

[MrsKoala]

Imo you have to decide whether you can accept it or leave. People don't change. They may say they will and then try for a short while and gradually it slips back and you end up having to have the conversation cycle over and over again forever.

My DH does nothing. For the first 2 years living together i kept up the cycle of getting annoyed, having a blow up, him doing the bare minimum for a week etc. It was clear he wasn't going to change. One day we had a big talk and he told me it was his home too. He saw no problem with it. He didn't expect me to do it, just leave it on the floor. He said the bottom line was he was NEVER going to do it and wouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in his own home. So it was then up to me what i did. I said fine but i was never going to go to work if that was the case, as the house and dc took up so much time, i also said i would get a cleaner when necessary. He agreed. So that's how we live. Works for us. No more arguing. Other people think it's outrageous tho. I'd never put up with it if i worked too.

[TheFlis12345]

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

I personally think that you need to resolve this before you have a baby. If you're finding it hard now to deal with his mess, then this will be magnified when a LO is thrown into the mix.

Babies = mess

You don't need to be clearing up after 2 babies.

[PlumsGalore]

Personally I don't see it as black and white as he sees you as skivvy and it is woman's work, unless he is telling you to pick it up for him.

DH was brought up in a less than tidy house, in fact I always thought it was a bit skanky. Large family, both parents worked full time, small house. He doesn't see mess, he puts things down where he has finished with them, he rarely picks them up unless action is needed. So if he needs his glasses he will pick them up from where he dumped them, if the bin is overflowing and there is no room for more rubbish, he will empty it. If his clothes needs washing he will pick them up from the floor.

I was brought up in an immaculate home with a whirlwind mother always on the go. Never a speck of dust or unwashed sock in the house.

DH doesn't expect me to clean it up at all, but doesn't care if he sits in the mess. My mess as well as his. I cannot sit in the mess, I hate it, I like pristine, show home, clean, dust free, plumped cushions.

I tidy, because the mess causes me more anxiety than it does him. To be fair I cause him as much anxiety tidying all his crap away and forgetting where I have put it.

Just different standards I am afraid.

Fag ash is taking the pee though

[Racerback]

I've spoken to him so many times but he gets annoyed and we end up arguing, he doesn't feel he should have to keep to my cleaning standards just because they're different from his.

Tell you what, OP - how about instead of 'TTC', you 'TTLTB'?