Aibu to not use contraception now? Wwyd?

[Badnaughtyzoot]

We have been struggling with unexplained secondary infertility for three,nearly four years now. Initially we were prepared to go the whole way regarding treatment, possibly IVF etc, but about six months ago we started feeling that it just wasn't meant to be. I'm reluctant to put my body through expensive treatments that may not work, and we feel we need to concentrate on the child we have. As far as we are both concerned we are not TTC and there will be no more babies. We're starting to make other plans for the future and that's fine

I went to my GP recently for an unrelated issue, and she mentioned contraception (she's great and knows all about our issues)

I was a bit surprised. Hormonal contraception does not agree with me at all. I had considered not using it to be one of the few upsides to the secondary infertility

Spoke to my friend - she agreed with the GP.

After three years, surely my chances of an unassisted BFP are absolutely nil? What should I do? I know it seems a bit counter productive, but now we have accepted things, after a lot of stress and heartache, I don't know how I'd feel about a surprise. I have never heard of anyone get a BFP after three years without treatment

Sorry this is all a bit rambley. I feel a bit shaken up somehow

[harderandharder2breathe]

As long as you would be ok if you did get pregnant then it's fine

[PollyPerky]

what's a BFP?

Anyhoo.....I know of several friends who have conceived once they stopping 'trying' and assumed they couldn't conceive. I also know of a couple who had IVF no success and now have 2 adult children conceived naturally.
It's the oldest cliche in the world- when you stop trying you get PG.

So, unless you are making a conscious decision to conceive, use contraception.

[abbsisspartacus]

BFP - big fat positive

[3boys3dogshelp]

I have a friend with dc1 via IVF, five years trying for dc2 unsuccessfully, 3 years with no contraception without incident then surprise twins. It does happen.

[RitaCrudgington]

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this. Obviously if you struggle with hormonal contraception and you would still be delighted to have a pregnancy against the odds then not using anything seems the obvious choice.

However the question is what it would do to your mental health? You'd need to work through what it would do to you emotionally to have that brief moment of hope against hope before every period and whether you'd be able to relax into a purely recreational and loving sex life again. Only you know how you'd feel, and maybe even you don't really know until you try. Mind you if you try your suggested approach and you do find it too difficult emotionally then there's nothing preventing you from going straighf to the GP and saying "Actually no, contraception would be better". Best wishes for the future.

[Allthewaves]

Suppose gp might be looking from a mental health perspective? Would you still be hoping each month around the time of your period? Would you get depressed ect. Birth control takes away the hope that might be painful

[WorraLiberty]

I know it seems a bit counter productive, but now we have accepted things, after a lot of stress and heartache, I don't know how I'd feel about a surprise.

I think that ^^ is what you both need to sit down and discuss seriously - in the same way a couple with no apparent fertility problems would.

How would a baby impact on your lives either now, or in the next few years?

How old will you be if it happened in say 3 years time?

As long as there is even the tiniest chance that you might conceive naturally, I think you both need to consider to these things.

If you decide a baby wouldn't be as welcome in the future as perhaps it would be now, maybe give yourselves a cut off point and then look into more permanent options such as vasectomy/hysterectomy.

[BarbarianMum]

No right answer but 2 things to think about:
How would you feel if you did get pregnant?
How would you feel if you didn't ? (would there be a tiny bit of you watching and hoping each month? That can be very painful and I've known people use contraception to help come to terms with the 'no more babies' thing in these circumstances).

[WhatWouldTheDoctorDo]

DH and I were in a similar position and a while after we stopped tv we decided that at that stage we really didn't want an unexpected surprise so DH had a vasectomy. I don't get on with hormonal contraception either.

[NeedMoreSleepOrSugar]

My DD was after three years of unsuccessful trying (no assistance). A friend had her second DC over a decade after stopping using contraception because her doctor said she couldn't conceive again. (she thought the DC was menopause at first)

[smellyboot]

I know three people who didn't think they could conceive and then ... Some very good points made already

[SuperFlyHigh]

As long as you're prepared for a little surprise then don't use hormonal contraceptives!

I know at least 2 women like you already had DC, unexplained infertility, stopped using contraception chilled out then bam, babies for both of them. One woman was especially concerned as she was 41 or 42 and had suffered anorexia in the part which she felt played a part in her infertility despite already having a 6 or 7 year old. But there that pregnancy was hard to conceive too.

I also know another woman who twice was trying for ages, both times stressing nothing happened then twice she went to a wedding smoke and drank and conceived and the second time either a second wedding with smoke and drink or a holiday with drink and smoking, got pregnant both times when she stopped worrying and lay caution to the wind!

[SuperFlyHigh]

Also so I've heard depending on age etc... When you approach menopause or peri menopause your body can have a last gasp try at getting pregnant as it thinks naturally it could or should eg in the wild/years gone by. Apparently that's why breast size can increase massively in those years...

And apparently as long as you ovulate, have periods, and have a normal sex drive then yes you can conceive in those years! Heard a few stories about late babies, mums thought they were menopause or worse turned out to be a baby!

I also know another woman who was 44 and thought she was past it but had a son in his 20s, she went on holiday abroad relaxed and fell pregnant despite having an underactive medicated thyroid condition. Sadly she lost the baby but another "surprise" story!

[Badnaughtyzoot]

Thank you every body. I wasn't quite sure what I was trying to say when I posted, but your replies have really helped straighten things out in my head

I think if I got pregnant now, we'd both be delighted, but I can see a point in the future when our no-baby plans mature to the point where, actually, we wouldn't want a surprise. It doesn't mean we weren't serious about TTC, it's just that you have to be able to draw the line somewhere

I don't think I'm still holding out a bit of hope each month...

I've talked to DH and we've agreed to continue as we are, and reevaluate in six months time. Basically if s surprise baby ever becomes a huge no. Thanks all.

[hotporridge]

I'm in a similar situation, suffering from secondary infertility and we've decided we don't want to go through the stress/expense of IVF or other invasive treatments. I've been on contraception for most of my adult life and now I see being contraception-free as my compensation for having a rubbish reproductive system. I can't really see it ever being a disaster to have a surprise baby though, and there are always options if it does happen.

I didn't realise the impact that hormonal contraceptives had on me until I came off them really, in the future I'd only use the copper coil or another non-hormonal method if I decided to use contraception again.

[Hestheoneandonly]

Firstly sorry for everything you have gone through. We are going through the same. It's shit. I wouldn't bother with hormonal contraception if I were u. Maybe just avoid your fertile period. I guess it's up to you whether you will be still thinking maybe and upset each month if period arrives. I know due to illness we have missed the right time this month and I feel nothing but relief I have a month without wondering about each twinge/feeling. Big hugs for everything you have gone through to this point and here's to the future with your family

[WannaBe]

Have been there, in fact my posts are probably somewhere on the conception boards from way back.

We had secondary infertility after DS was born and tried unsuccessfully for another baby for six years. Then I reached a point where I just didn't want to do it any more, the age gap would have been too big, I wanted to go back to work, etc etc so decided I wanted us to stop TTC. My DH at the time thought the same - it hadn't happened so wasn't going to happen so what was the point of contraception. I took the view that as we'd conceived once it clearly is possible, and I didn't want to be that woman who discovered I was accidentally pregnant at 43. . So H started using contraception. Will point out at this stage that he was told he had an issue (this is relevant).

Fast forward a few years, and we had split up and he had a new partner who ... Had a baby a year ago. given that they weren't living together at the time and hadn't been together that long at the time, I am guessing that it wasn't altogether planned. And eXH is now 42. So clearly not using contraception didn't work for them. obviously they're happy with a baby but I don't imagine that they would have had him at the same time Iyswim.

As for me, I can no longer use hormonal contraception due to a blood clot sO need to consider other options, as becoming pregnant at this stage would in fact be detrimental to my health.

[literallytotally]

In very similar boat.

Been trying for 2 years before stopped actively trying and monitoring. Been 6 months or so of not using anything and at 43 I think I've now reached the point of it's too late (for me)

But I don't want to use hormonal stuff. We are happy not using condoms. If seems so stupid to start using contraception but there is that tiny chance.

I'm doing the totally mature thing at moment of just ignoring.

[PollyPerky]

It's very important OP to continue to assess. I know someone who had fertility issues then became pregnant unexpectedly some time later when their relationship was on the rocks and it was all a disaster.