This is just Awful. Should I apologise?

(117 Posts)
Runie1989 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:44:13

I went to visit my friend I met recently. She lives in a beautiful coastal area and also has a house where I live.
I stayed with her for three days and she took me on a few vists to her favourite place.

I asked her if she could take me to a bridge which is quite famous actually and I wanted to look out of the view so she agree. We walked across it and went along a coastal path and stood on the rocks underneath.

I took out a picnic and we sat and looked at the view. I really enjoyed it eventhough it was a little cold!

When I got back to my
House I told our mutual friend about our trips and she's went as white a son a sheet.

It turns out the friend I visited had witnessed her brothers suicide from that bridge and his body was found on the rocks where we were sat having our picnic. It was 11 years ago now but was extremely
Traumatic for her as she witnessed the whole thing and saw his body on the rocks.

She obviously doesn't want to say anything and that's understandable so maybe I shouldn't?

I spent the whole time saying how beautiful the bridge is, the gorgeous views, how amazing a spot we had for our picnic.

I am feeling absolutely terrible and worse.

She knows I do not
Know about the death, she has never mentioned it to me.

My other friend says she regrets saying anything now and it's best I leave it.

I just hate the idea of making her feel bad and uncomfortable.
Would I be unreasonable to say nothing?

MabelWotsits Wed 23-Nov-16 18:46:45

Say nothing. Your friend didn't share with you so presumably doesn't want you to know.

Champagneformyrealfriends Wed 23-Nov-16 18:48:02

I'd probably have to say something because I'd be as mortified as you sound! What an awful situation all round. She agreed to go though-most people wouldn't under those circumstances unless they'd made some sort of peace with what had happened. Then there's the possibility that she felt some sort of closure or comfort in being there.

ClashCityRocker Wed 23-Nov-16 18:48:14

I wouldn't say anything. It wasn't your fault and presumably if your mutual friend wanted you to know she'd have said something, either previously or at the time.

PirateFairy45 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:48:53

Personally I'd say something. Tell her if you'd have known, you never would have asked her

GeorgeTheThird Wed 23-Nov-16 18:49:18

Could you send a thank you card for the weekend, saying something thoughtful about the bridge especially. Giving a nod to what happened but not actually saying anything. It would take careful phrasing....

Runie1989 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:49:51

I think she struggles to
Tell people.
She only told our mutual friend after 10 years of friendship.

So she might just not have felt able to.

Bufferingkisses Wed 23-Nov-16 18:50:06

Perhaps she appreciated it as a moment to make a new memory in a beautiful spot that she had lost due to a tragedy?

You can't second guess this one. If she wanted you to know she'd have told you.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf Wed 23-Nov-16 18:50:08

If she didn't want to go, she could have said as much. I don't understand what the issue is, unless of course your friend seemed upset during the picnic?

GeorgeTheThird Wed 23-Nov-16 18:51:59

Thank you so much for a lovely few days. I thought the bridge was beautiful and I was happy to be there. I hope that you were too.

Something along those lines ones maybe?

GeorgeTheThird Wed 23-Nov-16 18:53:29

ones
Wtf autocorrect

Sassypants82 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:55:45

If it's any comfort, my DB also committed suicide. I didn't witness it, or see his body or anything like that, but the place associated with it, or reminders of it don't deeply upset me. It was 3.5yrs ago & although I of course still struggle with it, I've also healed a lot during that time. It could simply be that your friend doesn't feel any great upset associated with that place and longer & was happy to visit it. Perhaps it may even bring her some comfort. I know that sounds strange, but it could be the case. I would assume that she would have refused to go if it would have traumatised her to do so.
I'd just say nothing. She will bring it up if she wants to discuss it with you.

Wizardinthegarden Wed 23-Nov-16 18:55:45

Don't say anything, you may be doing so for your feelings rather than hers. She could have told you or said lets see the bridge another time. It is her story to share, in her own time.

IminaPickle Wed 23-Nov-16 18:56:13

Woh gosh George no! If she doesn't feel able to share what happened there, that would be really twisting the knife, almost gas lighting. Hopefully the visit was cathartic but don't mention you now know about her dbro.

RageAgainstTheTagine Wed 23-Nov-16 18:56:41

Maybe she didn't say anything as she wanted to build happier memories of the bridge?

GeorgeTheThird Wed 23-Nov-16 18:58:00

I can completely see it might be the wrong thing to do. It depends on the friendship really and it might be very wrong.

But it's absolutely not gas lighting!

wowfudge Wed 23-Nov-16 19:05:58

My god - now the OP knows it would be better not to specifically mention the bridge. Can you imagine how the friend would feel if/when she finds out the OP was told about her brother's suicide and made a comment like that?

Foxysoxy01 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:07:48

It may have been quite therapeutic for her to be there with someone that knew nothing about it.

I wouldn't say anything, act like it didn't happen and don't go there with her again unless she asks to.
It would also be awkward for mutual friend I would have thought as other friend may not be happy she told you.

I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not nice but you didn't know. It's not your fault.

FixItUpChappie Wed 23-Nov-16 19:08:08

I would not mention it - she is entitled to her privacy. If she wanted you to know or to discuss it, she would have initiated the conversation. Just acknowledge the wonderful time and signal your general appreciation IMO.

EssentialHummus Wed 23-Nov-16 19:08:50

Oh gosh. No, don't say anything. If she wanted to tell you, or didn't want to go there, she'd have done so / made her excuses.

soundsystem Wed 23-Nov-16 19:11:27

I don't think you can really say anything. I'd just thank her generally for a lovely time without mentioning the bridge specifically. I really don't see how you can say something without it being really awkward.

ShowMePotatoSalad Wed 23-Nov-16 19:13:07

I don't think you should write a thank you card dropping hints about the bridge. IMO that's a bit spooky...if she doesn't know you know, it might freak her out.

I would just send her a card or email thanking her for a lovely few days and that you hope to see her again soon. I really wouldn't mention anything.

DearMrDilkington Wed 23-Nov-16 19:13:53

Don't say anything, if she wanted you to know she would have told you.

Did she seem upset or quiet when you were there?

NoFanJoe Wed 23-Nov-16 19:15:12

Would you like this to be a deeper friendship based on trust and honesty or would you prefer her to remain more of a loose acquantaince? When you think of saying nothing, is it really just her that you are sparing from feeling uncomfortable?
Maybe there's a way you can tell her that you know but do it in such a way that she doesn't feel that she has to respond if she'd rather not.

Borneoisbeautiful Wed 23-Nov-16 19:15:58

I wouldn't mention it at all ever unless she confides in you. She presumably didn't give any clue or feeling at the time that she was uncomfortable with visiting the bridge and you didn't sense any unease so she has maybe made her peace. We have experienced suicide in our family and will say that the beautiful place that it happened can be visited and enjoyed by us as a family and so she wasn't necessarily upset by being there.

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