My friend is dating this guy.....

(31 Posts)
snakecharmer Tue 22-Nov-16 22:33:11

...she would be far from impressed if she knew I was posting this. I'm doing it because she's got a history of dating abusive & on one occasion a dangerous man. I'm a bit 'green' to it all on here but I think there are people who give great advice.
She's met a new guy on Tinder. They've been out on a few dates (5-6?) He texts her constantly. Initially I think she liked the attention but he messages her a lot asking what she's up to (15-20 times a day whether she replies or not) He seems to have a short temper & gets angry when he is driving (swears, shouts at other drivers) I met him once & he shouted at his dog and calls it a 'fucking dick'. He uses drugs occasionally (coke, weed) and seems to drink (at least a couple of beers) every night. He told her he used to self-harm but hasn't for a few years. I know these all might seem harmless - tell me to mind my own business if you want. Just worried as the last guy she was with was violent & the one before that EA. Wd you think any of these are things to be wary of and AIBU to tell her I feel concerned? Thanks for reading!

ConkerTriumphant Tue 22-Nov-16 22:34:43

He sounds like an utter cock.

ScarletForYa Tue 22-Nov-16 22:34:59

He sounds like a car crash. Red flags all over the place.

RoseGoldHippie Tue 22-Nov-16 22:38:06

Apart from the swearing whilst driving (I turn into a seasoned sailer when I drive according to DP smile) I think this has all the signs to cause concern. Would your friend be okay if you discussed this with her in a 'just trying to help you' kind of way?

KindDogsTail Tue 22-Nov-16 22:45:49

He texts her constantly. Initially I think she liked the attention but he messages her a lot asking what she's up to (15-20 times a day whether she replies or not)
This is a red flag for a sociopath/narcissist/future abuser
sociopathlife.com/seductionstage-2/signs-of-a-sociopath-psychopath-andor-narcissist/

He seems to have a short temper & gets angry when he is driving (swears, shouts at other drivers) I met him once & he shouted at his dog and calls it a 'fucking dick'. He is an abuser clearly

Drugs can lead to mood swings rages etc - abuse

You are right to be concerned - ther is no doubt about it. It sounds as though its too late though if she has been out on five or six dates with him.

snakecharmer Tue 22-Nov-16 23:13:14

Thanks for posting everybody
Kinddogstail thanks for the link. Don't know how many of those apply - maybe I should show her the article & she can have a read.
I know that if I try & talk to her she'll be defensive. He has money. He is a 'gent' and has taken her to nice places. He is early 40s & has a very nice house ( I went there & noticed that his house is immaculate. Like, beyond immaculate. Don't know if that means anything but it looked like a show home .... ) My friend said that he saw her house & suggested she gets a cleaner!

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 22-Nov-16 23:15:20

I met him once & he shouted at his dog and calls it a 'fucking dick'. He uses drugs occasionally (coke, weed) and seems to drink (at least a couple of beers) every night

Nasty piece of work and she should run for the hills and take the poor dog!

MilesHuntsWig Tue 22-Nov-16 23:16:41

Run for the hills. It's nice you're watching out for her, but I'm not sure how pleased she'll be with you pointing out his faults (not saying you shouldn't though!). Any idea how she'll react?

KindDogsTail Tue 22-Nov-16 23:20:36

The article I sent showed two or three points: the coming on so relentlessly is well known. I think that was point one in the article.

She will probably need counselling to stop going for abusers. It sounds as though she is being taken in by this one because on the surface everything seems so perfect.

JellyBelli Tue 22-Nov-16 23:21:02

Constant texting plus immaculate house would suggest a cotnrol freak. Some of the other stuff suggests anger issues, or a compliance test - he is testing her to see if she puts up with or likes his outbursts.

snakecharmer Tue 22-Nov-16 23:22:04

Mileshunt not sure how she'll react. Need to pick my moment carefully (I was secretly hoping you'd all think that I'm over-reacting so I didn't need to do this!)
For me, it was the shouting at the dog. And the weirdly immaculate house . Don't know why but something felt a bit odd when I was there....

ijustwannadance Tue 22-Nov-16 23:28:51

I swear like a trooper when driving and if I lived alone my home would be weirdly immaculate.

Everything else points to the fact he is a massive, controlling, aggressive dick. She should run a mile.

KindDogsTail Tue 22-Nov-16 23:31:23

Early 40s - was he in a relationship before? What happened?

JellyBelli Tue 22-Nov-16 23:31:29

I know this sounds stupid but are you sure it was his home and not a show home that he pretended was his?

Janey50 Tue 22-Nov-16 23:47:24

If a man's home is 'beyond immaculate ',I would be suspicious that he had a woman hidden away somewhere to keep it that way!

CouldIHaveIt Tue 22-Nov-16 23:50:44

She needs help to stop gravitating towards men like this.

You need to do whatever you can to get her away from this wanker and get help so she chooses nicer men. I know they're hard to find & generally not as 'exciting', but you're far less likely to end up dead!

JanetStWalker Tue 22-Nov-16 23:53:24

Kinddogstail, that is without question the best most easily applied list of traits I've seen so far. If only I'd have read that 10 years ago my life would've turned out so differently; my ex exhibited every single one of those signs, real textbook stuff. Took me 5 years, a restraining order and a 6 month prison sentence to finally get rid of him. sociopathlife.com/seductionstage-2/signs-of-a-sociopath-psychopath-andor-narcissist/

Op, tell your friend to run, keep running and don't look back...and run a bit more, just in case.

MikeUniformMike Tue 22-Nov-16 23:56:08

You should say something to your friend. Something along the lines of not rushing in too quickly.

baconandeggies Tue 22-Nov-16 23:58:48

Tell her you think he's an absolute controlling freak head and you're extremely concerned she's repeating the same old pattern. See if you can sit down one evening (with a glass of wine if you fancy) and start The Freedom Programme together with her online, it's a tenner, I think:-

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Lorelei76 Wed 23-Nov-16 00:02:39

Short temper and constant messaging ..she should run for the hills.

MyPeriodFeatures Wed 23-Nov-16 00:09:10

i know all these might sound harmless

No. not harmless, a line up parade of red fucking flags. If your friend has been through a number of abusive relationships already and still can't see it she needs to do the freedom programme or a pattern changing course. This guy is dangerous

Grilledaubergines Wed 23-Nov-16 00:15:58

He sounds vile.

I would be so worried if she were my friend, as you are. But I honestly don't think you can do a huge amount about it unless you think she's open enough to take note of your concerns. It's worrying isn't it. It may be the case that you just be there when she needs you, which is inevitable at some point.

KindDogsTail Wed 23-Nov-16 00:53:53

Maybe do the freedom programme with her as though for fun and for you, without saying anything and hope it clicks with her somehow,

So sorry Janet flowers

Italiangreyhound Wed 23-Nov-16 01:05:28

An immaculate home sounds odd, everything else sounds fucking awful.

Please tell her you are concerned but be prepared for her not to listen.

Just make sure she knows she can turn to you if things go wrong. Which they almost certainly will.

Sorry, but I think your fears are correct. I wonder what he says or does if she ignores his texts? I think she may find out quite quickly he has a short fuse and it could be very dangerous for her. If you want to you could speak to Women's aid for advice on her behalf.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Please read up and be ready to help your friend.

Well done for having the courage and interest to start this thread.

kali110 Wed 23-Nov-16 02:29:59

Janey50 why can't a man have a tidy house without a woman confused
Our house would be immaculate if i didn't live there grin

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