to think this friendship will go nowhere

(37 Posts)
lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 18:21:30

I met a nice single mum at my old job. I left for a new role and we agreed to keep in touch.
I have a dp and a dd who is seven. She has a dd who has just turned one.
My new role is very physical and I am exhausted when I come home. I took the job because the hours are good, it's full time but school pick ups are easy and I can still take dd to after school activities. By the time i have cooked tea and cleaned up I am done in. Dp arrives home from work at 7.15 and helps what he can.

Anyway with this new role I have two days off one on a week day and one on a Sunday.
Sunday is my family day when we are all off and do things together.
My friends days off are sat and Sun.
She wants to have a play date with the kids but dd is seven and hers is one so I can't see it working out all that well. I am only free on a Sunday and that's my family time with dp and dd and can't be arsed with soft play, which is the only thing the kids can do together.
I would be up for meeting on a Saturday night but she said she doesn't like pubs as she doesn't drink and I mentioned going out for dinner but she is dead set on doing only kid friendly activities.
our lives are very different as I have a partner, a school age child and a house to run plus work. She has her job and a single mum who lives with her mum who does all the babysitting and household chores so I'm not sure she understands how hard it is for me to meet up on a Sunday - when it's the only quality family time I get.
aibu to think arranging to meet is just going to be hard work or am I a selfish cow?

YelloDraw Tue 22-Nov-16 18:25:31

Meet her on one of your week day days off?

charlestrenet Tue 22-Nov-16 18:27:12

What's stopping you from all meeting up - both families - on a Sunday? Or does her set-up not count as a family because it doesn't include a man?

JennyPocket Tue 22-Nov-16 18:29:44

Could you just have her come over to yours for a coffee for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon, or lunch? Your DD might like to play with the baby and then you don't have to try and find an activity that suits both ages of the children. It's not something you'd have to do every Sunday, or even once a month by the sounds of it. If you like her as a person, I'd try and make the effort at least once to see how it goes and then if it doesn't suit, make your excuses thereafter - but give it a go once!

JennyPocket Tue 22-Nov-16 18:32:24

charles it's her only family time once a week with her DP and DD, so even if (I'm guessing even more so) the friend had a man it would make it worse not better (more of a "thing", seems like more effort would have to go into it, OP's DP would feel he had to chat to friend's DP etc etc).

I didn't get that OP was being snobby about friend not having a man.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 22-Nov-16 18:36:57

Sunday's are quite awful for single mums as you seem to see happy couples and families everywhere so that might be why she is keen to fill her Sundays?

Perhaps instead of cutting the friendship off, you could be honest about your lack of time and arrange to meet for coffee with the kids for an hour? If you take control and offer one or two limited slots to her she will probably get the message that you're time poor rather than unfriendly.

Of course, if you don't want to continue the friendship then make your excuses to her and she'll soon stop asking. It does sound as though you have little in common and simply bonded because you worked together. Sometimes it's kinder to just let some friendships go if you're not prepared to invest in it.

lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 18:49:01

I couldn't meet on my week day off because she works during the week.

It would be a bit awkward to meet up with my dp and her and the kids, not dp's thing and he has his own friends. Her being a single mum doesn't bother me in the slightest, just our set ups are a bit different.
as I said Sundays are my family day and I like to do things just the three of us.
It would be easier for me to meet on a saturday evening but its not her thing. She has already blew me off when mentioning meeting up in the evening.
I will probably just try to meet up Sunday morning and free myself up in the afternoon for family time but as someone above said I'm not sure we have much in common and I'm not sure if it will fizzle out.
I like her as a person so will meet and see.

charlestrenet Tue 22-Nov-16 18:51:19

Jennypocket I'm just wondering if there would even have been a thread at all if the woman was part of a couple - the OP would presumably have socialised with her in the same way as she does with everyone else in her circle. I also think it's instructive that OP felt the need to state in her first sentence that the woman is single - as though there were different social rules. And I'm loving the idea that a single woman with a baby who works full time doesn't appreciate that leisure time is precious.

Americatrumped Tue 22-Nov-16 18:57:28

It sounds like you CBA.

No one needs a friend who can't be arsed, just once, to meet up.

But if you ever think "why don't I have more friends", well, CBA may be the answer!

Americatrumped Tue 22-Nov-16 18:58:42

Why can't she meet your DP?

Are you one of those insecure women?

witsender Tue 22-Nov-16 18:59:05

If you like her, surely once a month or so you could meet up?

You don't sound all that fussed tbh.

witsender Tue 22-Nov-16 19:02:11

"Has his own friends?" So isn't allowed to meet yours, or has no interest? Invite her round for Sunday lunch or something. Like you she doesn't get much time with her child, so wants to do kid friendly stuff. Why you can't do this together I don't know...unless she is just not family friend material due to being a single mum. I really don't get what the latter part has to do with anything tbh.

What about a walk? Or the park? Soft play isn't the only thing in the world.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Tue 22-Nov-16 19:03:45

I would go for a Sunday morning coffee somewhere kid-friendly every 3 or 4 weeks and let DP have a lazy Sunday morning. You can have your family time after that. See how it goes, it will either work or it will fizzle out.

Leeds2 Tue 22-Nov-16 19:07:23

Could you go swimming on a Sunday morning, so maybe more fun for your DD?

BackforGood Tue 22-Nov-16 19:07:58

If you want to spend some time with her, then there are things you could do without going to softplay. Lots of 7 yr olds like playing with a baby for a change. Or you could meet her for an hour without your dd.

But, if it's going to work as a friendship then compromise needs to be two ways - invite her over for a coffee or for lunch or something one Saturday but explain you don't want that to become routine as it's the only time you have with your dp and dd, so ask if maybe next time you can meat for a meal after work, or to go for a drink or to a show or something in the evening next time, and alternate. If she won't budge then there's your answer.

lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 19:08:51

I have a close circle of friends and only two of them have partners. They like to meet in the evening same as me. It's easier.
I have no issues about her meeting my partner but my partner will not want to sit with two women and the kids at a soft play, not his thing and he would rather do his own thing. And if it were me I would not want to sit with a couple unless I was bringing someone along too.
I mentioned her being a single mum because our set ups are different. My partner and I both work full time so it's hard finding a whole day to be together. She doesn't have that to worry about yet as she is single and can please herself. Not that I have a vendetta against single parents. I was once one myself!

lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 19:13:42

That's the problem though she won't budge. She has blown me off twice about meeting in the evenings.
She doesn't drink, which isn't a problem but she just doesn't want to meet at night. It may be a childcare thing or an anxiety thing but it's the only real chance I can get with friends.

Americatrumped Tue 22-Nov-16 19:13:52

I wouldn't want to meet up with someone who spoke about me in this tone.

Don't bother, op.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 22-Nov-16 19:14:47

I must admit I've left jobs telling colleagues we'd stay in touch but never have blush. It's just something you say when you leave (although I do send some of them Christmas cards).
Friendships do need time and effort to sustain so perhaps it's best this one fizzles out.

Americatrumped Tue 22-Nov-16 19:14:49

It might be a fucking exhausted thing? Single mum, works full time. Ffs.

lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 19:19:31

She works part time.
Thats fine if she is too exhausted to meet up in the evenings. Part of what I'm saying that it just doesn't work.

littleprincesssara Tue 22-Nov-16 19:35:32

If you genuinely like her but it's just too complicated right now, maybe stay FB friends? Or only see each other occasionally?

I travel a lot for work, and most of my friends have pretty crazy lives, so some of my closest friendships are now 99% phone/text/sm/whatsapp.

On the other hand if deep down you don't want to be friends with her, don't be - it's not fair on her.

lemondropcake Tue 22-Nov-16 19:46:33

That's the top and bottom of it. I'm busy a lot and I don't want to make plans and not be arsed with them or make excuses.
She doesn't want to meet in evenings and I don't really want to meet on Sundays but I'm trying to compromise but resenting it a bit. And that's just the truth.
I don't want to upset anyone or lead them down the garden path or have a wishy washy friendship.

Americatrumped Tue 22-Nov-16 19:46:43

Ah, so your superior tone is not just that you have a man, and she doesn't, but that you work FT, and she doesn't.

You clearly aren't her friend. Do her a favour.

Pineapplemilkshake Tue 22-Nov-16 20:23:15

Sounds like you don't really want to spend time with her. It wouldn't hurt a 7 year old to spend a bit of time with a baby - lots of siblings have this age gap and manage it. We look after my 2 year old niece quite a lot and my DS (10) enjoys it.

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