AIBU to think my SILs are BITCHES?

(98 Posts)
HelpTheTigers Tue 22-Nov-16 13:28:26

DP and I have been together for nearly 9 years and we are settled, happy, no problems or anything. DP was married for 2 years and divorced over 10 years before we met and his wife had been having an affair with his friend before running off, so that's all over and done with and she didn't come out of it looking too good. DP has absolutely no feelings or resect for his ex, especially as she emptied the bank and took many of his personal possessions when she left, .
DP is the youngest in his family and has 2 much older sisters who always want to be in charge of everything, which DP usually ignores to have a quiet life. I have never had an problems or arguments with either sister or his parents and we seem to get along fine although Ive always suspected that both SILs are not as nice as they act in public. The oldest SIL has just moved back in with the parents to look after them as they are both frail and have the start of dementia. So far, not a problem.
I went to the PILs house on Fathers Day and found that both SILs have put up lots of family and memory photos on the walls, all framed and all screwed in the wall. It looked really personal and nice until I found a large photo of DPs WEDDING. Its screwed on the wall in a place that's now impossible to reach behind the furniture even if I did try to unscrew the thing. There aren't any photos of DP and I.
I am F**** LIVID. DP says not to get upset or involved and that his sisters wont mean anything bad. I think he should tell them to take the picture down or do it himself but he is so concerned about not upsetting his parents who will be very confused and stressed by it all that I know he wont do it. That bit I understand but its not helping me at all. Every visit to PILs is now horrible and I have to look at the bloody photo on the wall as it faces the sofa. I feel embarrassed and humiliated and completely rubbished in front of everyone.
Before I say anything to them can I please ask others if they think that I'm being too touchy and overly sensitive or if I am right in thinking that DPs sisters are BITCHES. Its driving my head insane.

Waffles80 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:30:34

I think you're overreacting- unless there's a huge backstory?

Waffles80 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:32:04

What I meant to add, too, is that it sounds like the photographs are to aid the memories of your DP's parents?

CherryChasingDotMuncher Tue 22-Nov-16 13:32:06

Could it be that they are doing it to appease the dementia suffering parents who may well believe your DP is still married? I know when my nan got dementia it was far kinder to pretend that yes I am cousin Yvonne rather than tell her for the billionth time that I'm not who she thinks I am, as this just upset and confused her.

What reasons do you have to suspect they are not as kind as they seem on the surface?

ExitPursuedBySpartacus Tue 22-Nov-16 13:33:01

It's a part of their family history that you can't erase.

Not sure why it upsets you so much tbh.

Give them a lovely framed picture of the two of you for Christmas.

PNGirl Tue 22-Nov-16 13:33:11

What do you mean "of his wedding"? Bride and groom staring lovingly into each others' eyes or nice family group shot that happens to have bride in it?

Trifleorbust Tue 22-Nov-16 13:33:48

I actually think that's really rude. You've been with your DP for nearly a decade and they are putting up photos of him marrying his ex wife? I would be offended.

JustHereForThePooStories Tue 22-Nov-16 13:34:18

You're being unreasonable. You don't get to dictate the memories others keep in their homes.

icelollycraving Tue 22-Nov-16 13:34:47

Well it's not your home is it? Leave it.
If they were being bitchy, you drawing attention to it will please them.

HollowTalk Tue 22-Nov-16 13:34:56

Don't forget you are a SIL yourself, so they can't all be bad!

I would imagine it's difficult living with two parents who both are in the early stages of dementia. It sounds as though your SIL is resentful at taking on the task - does your partner help at all?

80sWaistcoat Tue 22-Nov-16 13:35:05

Oh get over yourself.

Underthemoonlight Tue 22-Nov-16 13:35:17

I'm going agaisn't the gran and i've worked with people who have dementia i think there are many photos they could have chosen from than ops dh previous wedding day, this is debilerate op.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:36:55

That is seriously weird behaviour. He's been divorced for a decade and they decided to put up a picture of his wedding day?

I would not be happy with that at all OP, I would feel the same as you. It's one of those horrible pass-agg very pointed actions completely designed to let you know that a woman who hasn't been part of their family for a decade is nonetheless more of the family than you.

I'd ask DP to ask them to take it down, I'm not sure why it would upset the PIL, they may have dementia, but surely it's more confusing if the picture shows someone with their son that isn't the woman he's with?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:36:56

That is seriously weird behaviour. He's been divorced for a decade and they decided to put up a picture of his wedding day?

I would not be happy with that at all OP, I would feel the same as you. It's one of those horrible pass-agg very pointed actions completely designed to let you know that a woman who hasn't been part of their family for a decade is nonetheless more of the family than you.

I'd ask DP to ask them to take it down, I'm not sure why it would upset the PIL, they may have dementia, but surely it's more confusing if the picture shows someone with their son that isn't the woman he's with?

CondensedMilkSarnies Tue 22-Nov-16 13:37:28

It might be a photo of DP with his now ex wife and I can see how you might not like looking at it , but you are married to him now .

Have you asked the DSIL why they haven't got your pic up ?

OhTallulah Tue 22-Nov-16 13:38:23

So five months ago his sisters put a picture on the wall and you've been festering ever since?
I'd have blinked when I first saw it and said 'Wow!, you've put a picture up from nearly 20 years ago of someone they haven't seen for almost the same amount of time?'
I don't think it's U to feel odd about it at all but you should have said it out loud at the time.
It's only a picture, it won't bother his parents, tell him to take it down.

CondensedMilkSarnies Tue 22-Nov-16 13:38:38

Maybe they were looking at old pics with their parents and they recognised who it was so the SIL thought they'd use it .

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:39:53

(sorry about the double posts, I don't know why it's doing it)

So I misread. You've been with him for nearly a decade, they split a decade before that?!

Both my DH's grandparents have dementia. If they call me by his ex-wife's name or ask after her or whatever that's fine, I understand, it's easily done. If his brother decided to put up a photo from that wedding and none with me in then I would be upset. It's saying that the memory of you is not needed, just the memory of the previous wife.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:39:55

(sorry about the double posts, I don't know why it's doing it)

So I misread. You've been with him for nearly a decade, they split a decade before that?!

Both my DH's grandparents have dementia. If they call me by his ex-wife's name or ask after her or whatever that's fine, I understand, it's easily done. If his brother decided to put up a photo from that wedding and none with me in then I would be upset. It's saying that the memory of you is not needed, just the memory of the previous wife.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:41:13

(sorry about the double posts, I don't know why it's doing it)

So I misread. You've been with him for nearly a decade, they split a decade before that?!

Both my DH's grandparents have dementia. If they call me by his ex-wife's name or ask after her or whatever that's fine, I understand, it's easily done. If his brother decided to put up a photo from that wedding and none with me in then I would be upset. It's saying that the memory of you is not needed, just the memory of the previous wife.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Tue 22-Nov-16 13:41:15

(sorry about the double posts, I don't know why it's doing it)

So I misread. You've been with him for nearly a decade, they split a decade before that?!

Both my DH's grandparents have dementia. If they call me by his ex-wife's name or ask after her or whatever that's fine, I understand, it's easily done. If his brother decided to put up a photo from that wedding and none with me in then I would be upset. It's saying that the memory of you is not needed, just the memory of the previous wife.

Madbengalmum Tue 22-Nov-16 13:41:54

Yes, OP that is horrible. I cant believe there are people on here who wouldnt be offended if that happened to them, i have a NC mil who used to do tricks like that. I feel your pain YANBU.

catmombaby16 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:49:07

Christ. Yes that's. dry bitchy behavior!

Not sure why other posters are sticking up for the sisters & saying you are being U!

Ask your husband to take it down or to tell them to replace it with one if you.

I'd go mad if I saw this in my PIL house. But luckily they can't stand his x!

pepperpot99 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:49:24

Can't be bothered to RTFT but just wanted to tell you OP that you thread title is grossly offensive and immature. Not to mention sexist.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Tue 22-Nov-16 13:50:15

Of course it's a hurtful thing to do and it's definitely PA. But I think it would be better to brush it off - you don't know if it's a picture the parents like, or used to talk about a lot, it could be significant in a way you don't understand.

It also seems like a small detail to focus on when someone has presumably given up their life to care for their parents.

Actually, I wonder if that's the point they're trying to make?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now