To be genuinely angry at this comment

(28 Posts)
Mybugslife Mon 21-Nov-16 17:23:51

Maybe I'm just over reacting with the pregnancy hormones etc but I was chatting to one of the other school mums who I know fairly well but I wouldn't really call her a good friend.
We were talking about the struggles in life and I was chatting about the many things that have happened to my DP and I. One of the major things was we lost our son at 21 weeks a year and a half ago. It was hard, obviously, but we have become a brilliant team and our relationship is stronger than I could ever imagine. We did however have couples counselling but it was never because we were ''make or break'' we just wanted to know how to communicate better with each other about the things that had happened to us.

She came out with 'I'm surprised you stayed together after all that, you can't be that happy if you needed counselling'

Aibu to be angry and upset that she assumes we are not happy, or ''surprised'' we are still together? Surely counselling is not only used if you are on the brink of breaking up? The thought has never even crossed our minds

Dozer Mon 21-Nov-16 17:25:57

She was very rude, and insensitive, and people attend counselling together or individually for many reasons!

Dozer Mon 21-Nov-16 17:26:10

V sorry for your loss flowers

WhooooAmI24601 Mon 21-Nov-16 17:26:15

Wow, no wonder you're upset and angry, it was a shitty and insensitive thing to say to anyone let alone after the year you've had.

Some people really genuinely fail to see how counselling works and the value of it. I think she probably falls into that camp. Nothing wrong with saying to her next time you see her that you found her comment hurtful. If you don't tell people they'll never see how rude they are.

purpleporpoise Mon 21-Nov-16 17:27:37

What a twat! She clearly knows nothing about such things. And whilst the loss of a child can destroy a relationship, it can have the opposite effect too.
I'm sorry for your loss, and congratulations on this pregnancy too flowers

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 21-Nov-16 17:28:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mybugslife Mon 21-Nov-16 17:33:30

Milktwosugars it could well have been, although she was very openly talking about the counselling she had and her struggles...which is how it got bought up in the first place. Although I'm open about my ds etc I wouldn't just randomly start talking about it all.

I'm glad I'm not over reacting. I can never tell at the moment. I did cry my eyes out the other day because a piece of paper hit me on the nose...so you never know haha

Pestilence13610 Mon 21-Nov-16 17:40:22

I wouldn't really call her a good friend I think we can all understand why.
flowers Don't worry about crying over the paper nose incident. Grief doesn't go away, just hides in strange places.

peachesandcreamdream Mon 21-Nov-16 17:44:15

I think I'd be cooling that acquaintance and make it known why.

I don't advocate just cooling things with people willy nilly but on this occasion I'm be pretty convinced that it's the right course of action.

It's clear she is pretty shallow and has has no understanding of real grief.

NavyandWhite Mon 21-Nov-16 17:51:49

OP I think it's actually very positive that you and your DH went for counselling. The loss of a child can decimate the strongest of marriages. Your friend is ignorant.

Millymollymanatee Mon 21-Nov-16 17:58:57

Don't be upset and angry, this person is stupid and not worth taking any notice of.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy. flowers

SukeyTakeItOffAgain Mon 21-Nov-16 18:02:19

What a very odd thing for her to say confused. She must lose a lot if friends if she's as tactless and thoughtless as that.

Very sorry for your loss and well done to you and your husband for being so proactive about your relationship.

Euphemia Mon 21-Nov-16 18:04:32

I hope you told her to fuck off! I'm losing patience with people who say things like this and get away with it because most people are too nice to challenge them!

Iwannabelikecommonpeople Mon 21-Nov-16 18:04:39

Don't let an ignorant comment like this get you down. You and your DP have been through it and come out stronger the other side. flowers

Iwannabelikecommonpeople Mon 21-Nov-16 18:07:48

milkandtwosugars confused

butterfliesandzebras Mon 21-Nov-16 18:13:05

Ridiculous comment. My husband and I had nothing any way near as difficult as you both had to deal with and had counselling near the start of our marriage, and we're very happy.

It helped a lot (in our case, we knew we loved each other but couldn't stop having destructive arguments - the counselling helped us understand how we were each misinnterpreting the very different ways we react to things, so we could stop the spiralling rows).

If we hadn't had a good relationship we wouldn't have gone to the effort of saving it!

leaveittothediva Mon 21-Nov-16 18:15:47

I suppose what I would advise you, is really, not to over share especially to someone that's not a good friend, simply because some people are uncomfortable with too much personal information and get a bit "foot in mouth", because they don't know what to say. I think this was probably one of these moments, where she didn't really mean to offend you by what she said, some people just don't engage their brains before their mouth. And another thing about it is that some people aren't enlightened enough to get counselling. Any reason why your not friends, if you know her quite well.?. Maybe she's just not someone you should be talking to. I can't get past polite conversation about the weather with some people, and subconsciously I think there is a reason for that.

harderandharder2breathe Mon 21-Nov-16 18:16:12

So sorry for your loss flowers

Counselling doesn't mean you're not happy with each other, I think it actually means you both love each other and want to work through any issues, the loss of your baby naturally being a huge issue for you both

MikeUniformMike Mon 21-Nov-16 18:21:15

She was tactless. She probably didn't mean it and the words probably came out all wrong. Maybe she feels bad about it. If not she's an insensitive cow not worth worrying about.
Very sad to hear of your loss but glad that you and your partner are getting through it. It will get easier.

DamePlata Mon 21-Nov-16 18:28:57

I'm single so coming from a different angle. Isn't it a fact that the loss of a child is a likely (common) cause of breaking up. You didn't break up.
Do you really care what she thinks? Would breaking up have been Criminal/shameful/despicable/dreadful? I remember saying to somebody who got married very young ''I hope it lasts!'' and I meant it like Good Wishes and she took it as an insult I later heard indirectly!

CookieDoughKid Mon 21-Nov-16 18:29:33

I thought she was tactless. However its the sort of thing I could accidentally say having not been in your position. Putting my foot in my mouth and genuinely not being aware of how offensive it is. A real friend who knows you well would be a lot more considerate. 9 times out if 10 people do look to counselling on the brink of a break up. Not wishing to try and lesson your pain but IMO, I wouldnt take it so personally from someone whom you don't mean a great deal to and vice versa.

DamePlata Mon 21-Nov-16 18:30:20

Good point leaveittothediva I've learnt not to overshare, I used to be terrible for it and tbh people were always picking me up wrong. literally the more you shared, the more scope for misunderstanding!

WLF46 Mon 21-Nov-16 18:34:11

To try to see the best in her, perhaps she was just unsure of how to react to the news of your loss. People say strange things when they are unsure of what to say.

It's also not than uncommon for people to see counselling as a last resort, particularly if they've never needed used it themselves and their only knowledge of those who have used it is when a marriage was on the rocks, for example.

Don't judge her, and don't worry that she's judging you. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. All that really matters is that your relationship is a good one.

Agerbilatemycardigan Mon 21-Nov-16 18:37:34

I'd see the counselling as a positive thing and that you both cared enough about your relationship to make the effort.

Oh yeah - she's a twat, ignore her.

RumbleMum Mon 21-Nov-16 18:40:41

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

I totally get this could've been foot in mouth and I can suffer from that too. But it's so basic in this kind of situation, when someone is telling you about a tragic situation, to say something empathetic and neutral like 'oh my goodness, that must have been so hard on you both'. When in doubt, less is most definitely more. Do wish people would engage their brains before they speak. angry

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