AIBU to want to move home because I don't fit in

(67 Posts)
Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 14:33:41

From the title I've made it sound like I'm a giant living in a too small house 😊.
What I want to say is that I live in an extremely affluent area where my dd goes to the local primary school with the majority of other kids who live in million pound homes. We live in a small maisonette that's too cramped for the three of us in my family. Since starting her school every time my dd has one of her little friends round they without a doubt will make a comment about our little flat. "Where's the second floor?" is a common one or "I've never been inside a flat before!" Or "I can't eat off this dining room table it's too small". I know that these are comments made by 6 year olds and I as an adult I should let them wash over me but then I'll inevitably get the look of badly repressed shock on parents' faces when they come to pick up their kids. Sometimes that'll be the end of anymore play dates from them because they strangely stop talking to me at the school gates.
I have written a couple of threads but name changed since for reasons of not wanting to out myself. But the advice was mainly to have the play dates and the nicer families would stick around and the mean ones who cold shouldered me would not be worth knowing anyway. The only problem is that it is all so cliquey where my dd goes to school that now we seem to be branded and become complete outsiders. Invites have dried up and my confidence is so knocked that it's too hard for me to ignore it anymore. Now I just want to move away to a place that doesn't measure a person solely from the size of their house or whether they make as much money as them or are so absorbed in material wealth that they can't see past it and to more important qualities in a person like being kind, trustful, interesting etc. please if you live in such a place could you tell me where it is and I will move there within the year!
Or am I just letting it all get to me too much?

Lndnmummy Mon 21-Nov-16 14:38:50

I live in an area abit like this, which was one of the reasons we elected a different primary for my son (in a more diverse area).

Im sending a hug, i understand. It sucks

Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 14:56:15

Thanks lndnmummy - need to move area as even the next nearest primary school is similar. I now just need to know where to move to! If anyone can give me a heads up on areas of UK that are happy to accept unwealthy families and make friends with them even if they don't match up salary-wise please tell me where those places are.

Capricorn76 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:59:50

Surely you must know where the less wealthy areas closest to you are? Which county/region are you in?

Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 15:28:25

I meant places where they don't care about wealth, just about community and friendship. Without sounding all Pollyanna and soppy.

OrangeKitchen Mon 21-Nov-16 15:34:43

Move to East Anglia. Arse end of the country. Not too far from the coast. Not many posh people here - they're outnumbered by us normals. Untrendy and cheap compared to other regions.

JellyBelli Mon 21-Nov-16 15:37:24

Upward social mobility is a myth. Poorer areas are always friendlier in my experience. I moved back to an inner city area and its worked out ok.
The crimne rate is higher. Thats the only down side.

milkingmachine1 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:40:09

OP that sounds tough. Do you need to be within commuting distance of a particular area? It's hard to give suggestions without have an idea of where you need to be.
I live on the SE and of course there are very posh areas but they neighbour less wealthy areas. It's quite localised so tricky to say a whole area.

Bloopbleep Mon 21-Nov-16 15:49:01

Sounds similar to where we live. Don't let these people make you feel like you don't belong. You live in the area and your dd goes to school there so you've every right to be there. You don't need to have friends at the school gate, from what I read on here they all backstab and bitch about each other anyway. As you dd gets older she'll make nice friends who won't care and that relationship between them doesn't have to be replicated between the parents. Hold your head up high and take pride in the fact you'all raise your dd not to treat others with such disdain. Maybe that will rub off on her classmates.

You're going to find judgement wherever you go. I live in a furcoat no knickers village where they think they're better than their neighbour's because they live on more tic and we're the scabby shameful family. I love bringing down the tone of such a snobby neighbourhood... ;)

minipie Mon 21-Nov-16 15:52:12

That's awful.

Is it just wealth/house where you don't fit in or do you think you are different from the majority in other ways eg accent, background, parenting style? Asking because I tend to find people are more judgey about the latter things than about wealth. (Not that either is acceptable).

sotiredbutworthit Mon 21-Nov-16 16:01:42

Come to Wales. I'm English myself but I have found the Welsh to be so welcoming and friendly.

BarbaraofSeville Mon 21-Nov-16 16:08:27

I can't eat off this dining room table it's too small

Like hell did a 6 YO say that.

You could live where I live. I'm considered posh because I have all my own teeth and don't wear a track suit outside the house unless participating in sports.

PenguinsandPebbles Mon 21-Nov-16 16:15:05

No matter where you go, somebody will have more somebody will have less.

If they are judging you for the size of your house then I would be thankful you have found out as I wouldn't want to be socialising with such narrow minded idiots quite frankly.

But I'm sorry it's getting you down, do you think maybe because it is getting you down that your then over thinking it a bit?

Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 16:24:39

Thanks for all your replies.
I don't think I'd mind about this not so subtle elitism as much as I do but it's because of my dd and watching her friends going off together at the end of school to their respective play dates and not her that tears me apart. I suppose many mums around here think I'm like them because they hear my accent, which I suppose is considered 'well-spoken' so perhaps they assume I have a matching big home like theirs etc. I have lived abroad for a long time so maybe I don't entirely fit in because I've adopted some behaviours which are not very typically british...or it could just be These damned horns and hooves that turn them off 😳. Whatever the reasons I'm just tired of being reminded that I don't have a second bathroom when they ask about my home (this is before they find out where I live obviously) or a spare room, or an island in my kitchen or a shed in my napkin sized garden.
I live in SW London so would love to move somewhere that would be commutable. I was thinking around the coast as love the sea but I'm open to suggestions. πŸ˜€

Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 16:28:30

Barbara of Seville - I kid you not! She asked me where our other dining table was as the one she was siting at was too small. I admit our dining table is actually a desk from IKEA but it serves it's purpose as long as we don't have more than 4 people round for dinner.☺️

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Mon 21-Nov-16 16:30:04

Poor you, don't beat yourself up about your DD, she's learning much better things from you than the materialistic parents. I can't believe people ask about kitchen islands and second bathrooms in the playground. They sound like arses.

But ... if I had a choice between SW London and the seaside it'd be the seaside every time so could be a blessing in disguise!

PenguinsandPebbles Mon 21-Nov-16 16:48:52

I wouldnt stress about the table comment, that's just a child observation. More than likely the table is not as big as hers at home that she eats her dinner off, she could have been thinking about where everyone else in her family would sit if they came along. You said it yourself it's only big enough for four

Even by the sea there will be people who have more and look down their nose, arseholes are everywhere! I used to live by the sea and just swap kitchen islands for views and it will be the same thing wink

BadKnee Mon 21-Nov-16 16:53:15

I live in a similar area and it is horrible. It used to be nice but house prices went up and up and a certain type of person moved in because it was considered posh and the schools were good. Now it is all about the money. Such a shame.

I dreaded play dates and rarely did them. Used to meet up in the local play park after school instead - no-one had to host and it was far less stressful. Some "Mummies" insisted on play-dates but once I instigated the park sessions there was always someone to play with.

milkingmachine1 Mon 21-Nov-16 16:53:45

OP I would have been in your position if I hadn't moved out. Do you own your flat? You could probably buy a 3 bed terraced house for the same money your flat is worth if you move further out.
Look at the train lines south and see the commuting distance, then have a look at Rightmove to see what you can get in those places. Surrey boarders is reasonable and commutable. There's good state schools too.
I know what you mean about sw London. I have friends who live in Wimbledon who are in the same position as you. They are professionals where both the couple work but such is the price of housing you have to be a city worker bringing in the big bucks to really get a nice place. It's ridiculous.

minipie Mon 21-Nov-16 17:08:30

I'm in SW London, I wonder if you live in my area do the local schools begin with H and B? I grew up in the area and it used to be much more down to earth but in the past 10 years there's definitely a tribe around who are a bit money and presentation obsessed hmm. (It's really not everyone though.) If it is that area, I think the feel and demographic are completely different just half a mile away, so you might not need to move far, maybe just a change of schools would do it.

kissmethere Mon 21-Nov-16 17:13:17

I really suspected you lived in SW London, as soon as I read your post.
Not everyone is like that there so there is hope. I know they're your DDs friends families and if they can't accept that not everyone is the same as them you have to find friends who don't care.
I know people like this too.

wobblywonderwoman Mon 21-Nov-16 17:21:27

Jesus Christ. You sound so nice op. This would hurt me very badly too.

I went to a posh school came from a council estate and free school meals. I was always too embarrassed to collect the token from my form tutor.

Anyway, I ended up a very grounded person. I have a highly paid professional job in a senior position. I am highly qualified- more than my boss or team. It is often commented on that I treat people with respect.

Your daughter will go far because you are a good family. It doesn't matter what size table you have and IKEA stuff is the best.

flowers sorry I have no advice. I would perhaps move but you shouldn't have to

Justbecauseitsso Mon 21-Nov-16 17:24:26

No Minipie they start with different letters.
I've been living here for a few years now and if anything it's getting worse. After the snobbery in dd's nursery I had hoped for more diversity when she got to primary school but alas no :-( I just wish I didn't care so much and had rhino thick skin. I just have different priorities to most of the people around here. I wanted to live near family foremost so it will be wrench moving away from them but at the same time I don't want to be made to feel a failure because of where I live and I certainly don't want my dd to sense this lacking either.

RaskolnikovsGarret Mon 21-Nov-16 17:30:00

I wish we'd done this years ago. We live in a posh north London area, full of oh so liberal Guardian readers, who are so tolerant of diversity. Like hell they are. We are non-white and have been excluded from most things, as have my DDs. They are now at a different secondary, and are friends with distinctly less posh, and considerably nicer, children (and parents).

I hate this area now, with its hypocritical superficial level of acceptance, but undercurrents of classism and racism. We will never be fully accepted here, despite the fact that we shop at Waitrose, go to the opera, and go on skiing holidays and holidays to Cornwall! Our faces don't fit.

minipie Mon 21-Nov-16 17:31:46

ah well I'm relieved to hear that it's not my area! However the same point may still apply, things may be very different just half a mile away so you might find that if you tried a different local school (without moving away) the attitude would be very different. Maybe try hanging round some of the other local schools at pick up time (if your dd can go to after school) and see if you can get chatting to the parents?

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