to want to e-mail this Mum and rant?

(71 Posts)
AlchemySchmidtsSmile Sat 19-Nov-16 14:52:02

I am being unreasonable and I won't do it but...
My other half is now going out to pick up our teen, take her for a meal and try and put her back together.
She was invited to her "friend's" birthday, told to go round at 2pm, went there to find no one in. Stood outside before ringing us.
We rang the mum, not reachable by mobile. She rang another friend who confirmed date, time and venue were correct (but she was unable to attend). We emailed mum to ask if something had gone wrong as DD was outside in the rain, noone there.
The friend who could not go's mum rang birthday girl's mum who then rang DD to say:
Party was at 12 not 2 and "friend" and others were out somewhere
Birthday girl's mum and rest of family were out eating elsewhere but would contact her to ring DD.
We told DD to come home or one of us would meet her. She said (and my heart is breaking) as she was already there, all dressed up and nowhere to go and had already got the presents, she would sit in a nearby cafe and await a phonecall.
Half an hour later still nothing and so her Dad has gone to get her and take her out for a meal.
Kids are 15.

Back story: DD and "friend" were close until DD had to move classes. Last couple of months "friend" has claimed to have no mobile, been unavailable to do anything and generally distant. DD thought there might be some slow fade/ghosting going on so was delighted to receive a birthday invite and said yes, she'd love to celebrate with her, what would her friend like etc (she went out and bought and wrapped the gifts herself). DD now feels that she was stood up.

To be clear DD would never ever angle for an invite to anything or self-invite nor would she have been upset or surprised not to have had an invite (she might not even have known given the class change). Therefore there was no obligation to send a duty invite or pity invite.

So why the hell did she ask her over if she didn't want her there? Why pretend she has no phone/how could she ring her (as Mum promised) if she has no mobile?

Advice please.
DD will be in school on Monday but might not see her unless seeking her out.
Takes her her gift anyway then let the whole friendship die?
Calls her on it and tells her how hurt she was?
Used the gift for Secret Santa and ignore friend from now on/whole situation?
Hold head up high and do nothing at all?

Mum has not replied to e-mail. The chance of DD getting time wrong was possible...the chance of the friend who could not go getting time wrong not so likely (so when she confirmed DD had the right time I find it hard to believe they both got it wrong).

Her Dad is best at this as he will just feed DD and listen.
Anyone's DD had something similar? What did they do and how did you support?

Thanks in advance
Kimmy x (stuck on a stupid Halloween name change).

AlchemySchmidtsSmile Sat 19-Nov-16 14:54:10

Use

Standingonmytippytoes Sat 19-Nov-16 14:55:32

Don't give her the present. Dear God no. Other than that I have no real advise. Other than flowers for your DD.

sofato5miles Sat 19-Nov-16 14:55:34

Ugh. Ypur poor daughter, what awful behaviour from the others. This has to be a head up high/ ignore from now on. It will blow over in time. Can she plan something lovely with another friend next week?

15 year olds can be so horrid to each other!

Msqueen33 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:56:59

Sounds like this girl is horrible! Your poor dd. If I was your dd I wouldn't seek this girl out, nor would I mention it. Mum sounds awful aswell.

PaulDacresConscience Sat 19-Nov-16 14:57:40

Oh your poor DD - that sounds very spiteful. If there had been a genuine mix up with the times then why wouldn't they have called your DD to see where she was? Sounds like a nasty trick on behalf of the 'friend' - who sounds like a cow.

Go for option 4 - hold head up high and do nothing. Certainly don't give her the gift; she doesn't deserve them!

PaulDacresConscience Sat 19-Nov-16 14:58:46

And I wouldn't email the Mum either, who sounds unpleasant. Why only respond to calls from a third party? Clearly the apple didn't fall far from the tree in this case.

krustykittens Sat 19-Nov-16 14:59:35

Do NOT give that girl a gift, it sounds highly suspicious to me! Tell DD head up and ignore and don't let them get her down or see that her feelings are hurt. Girls can be utterly vicious! I have mopped up many tears here over nasty, manipulative behaviour. sad

TheNaze73 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:02:51

Teenagers can be savages. I felt so sorry for your DD reading this flowers

OohhThatsMe Sat 19-Nov-16 15:03:03

If I were her I'd blank this girl in future. Nasty piece of work.

AlchemySchmidtsSmile Sat 19-Nov-16 15:03:46

She is meeting another friend tomorrow so that will help. This girl normally isn't horrid, that's what I cannot get my head round. Nor is she Regina George. If anything, the opposite, which is what has thrown me.

Happymumof3tob Sat 19-Nov-16 15:04:04

Girls are so mean. Your poor dd. Well donw to your dh though. I think dd is well shot of this girl. And the others at that. They could have told her the time changed...or whetever actually happened. Dont give her the present. And i would tell dd to ignore her and if she pushss to talk to dd then dd should be honest and say how she feels. I hope dd and dh have a nice meal xx

knowler Sat 19-Nov-16 15:04:06

Head held high I'm afraid. I do hope your dd doesn't let this affect her self confidence as it sounds as if the other girl us the one lacking self esteem if she needs to pull this shit.

Dd shouldn't seek her out at all. Let this girl go - she sounds weird.

kissmethere Sat 19-Nov-16 15:05:17

What crustykittens said.
What vile behaviour. Do not give her the present.
I can only say your DD is better off with this girl in her life.

YouTheCat Sat 19-Nov-16 15:08:41

No way should your dd give this vile creature a gift.

She needs to ignore her. I wouldn't bother with trying to find out what happened because it'll just make her seem a bit desperate and will feed the awful girl's ego. She'll hate being ignored though. She'll absolutely hate that your dd doesn't appear bothered.

Yoarchie Sat 19-Nov-16 15:09:14

I think this sounds like a deliberate trick re time.
Definitely don't give the present and just stay away from the birthday girl.
If confronted, your dd should prob shrug it off at school with a breezy...meh, got lunch in pizza express anyway then move on and get away.

It's like always. Bullies want their handiwork to have results. Don't let this girl see the upset. Upset in private breezy at school.

alwayshappy101 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:11:47

Oh your poor dd.

I'd definitely advise your dd to not give the girl the present,and to just blank the horrible girl.

flowers

Witchend Sat 19-Nov-16 15:13:06

My dd (same age) has been in a similar situation, but in her case they invite her but don't give the details. For the nicer ones she does give a present, and I think it probably has had much more effect, as it will wear on their consciousness when she gives it. Recently she has had a few where she has been given details.

I would hold fire until you find out whether it was an honest mistake-12/2 are easy writing errors, and it's possibly plans changed/miscommunication happened. Other friend may well not have paid too much attention if she wasn't going either.
She may have got the phone for her birthday or may be the mum knew cousin/friend/venue's phone no and was using that. It's unlikely she has your dd's phone number too unless that was part of the message, so she wouldn't have been phoned.

Not sure what the mother has done. I don't get emails when out, so she may have not got the email, and I don't always answer unknown numbers, particularly when out.

Laiste Sat 19-Nov-16 15:13:46

She'll hold her head up high, stay clear of the girl and keep the present for herself (if it's something nice) or use it to regift. Good that she's got another friend to go out with tomorrow. They can chat about this and she'll feel better.

Tell her it's no big thing. Not to dwell on it. In time this will just be one of those things we all have stashed away that we think hmm about. Teens lives are complicated and hopefully there'll be something more exciting that this fall out along soon to distract her flowers

AlchemySchmidtsSmile Sat 19-Nov-16 15:14:06

Thank you for the replies. I was hoping there might be another explanation that someone would spot, but there really isn't is there? sad
I just cannot fathom it, really can't. The slow fade/ghosting is one thing, not pleasant but it happens. The invite that wasn't is out of character for the girl in question and German culture in general (not saying girls aren't bitchy but people are usually very direct here and invites to things are always a chosen few, whole class etiquette is not a thing). I am blind sided a bit simply because past celebrations for "friend" have not been that well attended, always a small get together and usually with mum present. DD might even have been asked to make up the numbers (obviously have not said that to her).
Will tell her to keep calm and carry on. Or something like that less memey.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 19-Nov-16 15:17:30

Sounds like a stitch up to me.

PterodactylToenails Sat 19-Nov-16 15:20:35

Get your daughter to do the same thing to the horrible girl on her birthday and let her see how it feels.

eyelevelgrill Sat 19-Nov-16 15:21:54

Long after she's forgotten the girl's name, she will always remember that her dad took her out for a meal xx

Yay dd's dad and you.

Pipistrelle40 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:23:15

Very nasty, so glad not a teenager any more.

Groovee Sat 19-Nov-16 15:23:15

That makes me so sad. It's worse than not being invited as the humiliation of turning up and no one there. Hope your dd is ok x

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