To be so angry with nursery

(341 Posts)
Rockingaround Sat 19-Nov-16 10:05:22

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

Rockingaround Sat 19-Nov-16 10:06:12

*Giving out the biscuits

TyneTeas Sat 19-Nov-16 10:08:42

Had they been told not to eat the smarties?

ClassmateHB Sat 19-Nov-16 10:09:22

That's horrible heavy handed. I'm not sure I could have left it tbh, I would have demanded his biscuit there and then, and said something directly. One smartie?!

Ladybirdturd Sat 19-Nov-16 10:10:46

I think you need to go in and speak to the actual teacher next week. Explain how upset your ds was, and get the other side of the story. It does sound very upsetting for him though.

insancerre Sat 19-Nov-16 10:11:25

It's a biscuit
I bet he won't do that again
I expect they were asked not to eat the smarties and he ignored the instruction and now he has to suffer the consequences
A bit harsh but it's up to the teacher
Ime, the best behaved children can't cope with being told off because they don't have the experience and it does upset them more than children who are used to being told off
I'd just let it go

DoneAndDustednow Sat 19-Nov-16 10:12:49

O'm sorry but I'd be fuming.

I'm 31 and would probably nick a smartie. Only just turned 4?!

Go out today, buy a shit load of baking stuff and make the best damn biscuits ever and let him eat a whole packet of smarties along the way!

Poor sod!

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 19-Nov-16 10:13:15

They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit.

That's a bit confusing. If he didn't know he wasn't to eat a smartie, why did he think he wasn't allowed to eat his biscuit?

Or did the nursery say that none of the children could eat anything during the cooking time but would have the cookie for taking home, and he did eat a smartie and therefore lost his cookie?

I'd speak to the nursery before writing a letter of complaint, that seems to be jumping the gun at the moment. If the other children understood, it suggests it was communicated to them in an understandable way.

Do you usually follow through with punishments? Is it possible he's used to you backing down and giving him what you've said he can't have after a while, so he expected nursery to do the same? That was quite a common issue when I worked in a nursery many years ago. A lot of the kids weren't used to the punishment (not eating a treat, not getting a gold star, etc) actually happening.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 19-Nov-16 10:13:48

I would complain. That is so so mean! Poor little thing. Not only is it ridiculous to punish him without a warning but what a totally unreasonable punishment! He would have been so proud and excited to show you his biscuit. He would feel so left out to. I would have her job or be moving nursery. If that's what she's like over a smartie then what else goes on there? What an absolutely abhorrent woman who has no place working with children.

ClassmateHB Sat 19-Nov-16 10:14:36

Hes four!!! With a smartie in front of him!

How many adults whilst baking or cooking absent mindedly put something in their mouth?

There's a child study about marshmallows or haribo or similar. They put one in front of children under eight I think? And tell them if they leave it, they get a whole packet.

Like one child manages it. The rest eat it. They don't have impulse control at that age, or concept of longer term goal.

It's one bloody smartie. Not a whole packet. Not someone elses. It was given to him, presumably to put on his biscuit, and he chose to eat it instead? That doesn't deserve a withholding of the biscuit he made, especially not without prior warning, and especially by doing it in front of his peers . Hes four!

DoItTooJulia Sat 19-Nov-16 10:15:36

There's teaching the kids how to follow instructions and then there's plain mean. I think this falls into plain mean.

Stick up for him-speak to the teacher (you don't need to be all guns blazing but you can discuss with the teache what's happened and why you think it was heavy handed)

Poor wee kid-there's so much to learn at this age!

haveacupoftea Sat 19-Nov-16 10:16:00

I think you are overreacting quite a bit. The teacher is trying to teach him to follow instructions and that there will be consequences if he doesn't. It sounds a bit mean from DS's side of the story, but I would also consider that the recollection of an upset child might not be 100% accurate before firing off a letter.

MakeMyWineADouble Sat 19-Nov-16 10:17:17

I'd talk to the teacher to. You need some more details! Like was it one smartie or a few, was he reminded not to eat them after he ate the first. It does Seem heavy handed but at first for one smartie but, on the other side I could see where they were coming from if there was some more to the story.

ClarissaDarling Sat 19-Nov-16 10:17:53

Shades of the gobble gobble thread!! Pitchforks at the ready 'have her job' before you even know full info! And the haribo 'experiment' is an advert for Haribo ffs!!

friendswithacat Sat 19-Nov-16 10:20:01

Weeeeell if everyone had eaten a Smartie there wouldn't have been any left. It's a form of natural consequences but he should have been warned first.

ClassmateHB Sat 19-Nov-16 10:20:03

clarissa the advert was based on it, but it's a real experiment from the eighties.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment

Ffs.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sat 19-Nov-16 10:21:40

Yeah maybe the punishment was fitting if he ate that smartie, then took another and stabbed a kid in the eye with it.

ClassmateHB Sat 19-Nov-16 10:21:47

Sorry, from the sixties and seventies, and the results weren't one. But it's not just an advert.

If everyone had had one smartie, yes there'd be none for the biscuits. But there would be biscuits. And they wouldn't be decorated. Therefore the consequence. You can't expect children of that age to not eat one surely?!

ClarissaDarling Sat 19-Nov-16 10:22:28

Thanks classmate, I wasn't aware, my ffs was at the whole issue, not just your post so I will apologise for that aspect as I was wrong there, but not for the whole 'have her job' part -(which was not you).

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 19-Nov-16 10:23:05

I'm sure all children were told not to eat smarties /biscuit and they can take it home

Ds may be just 4 but used to pre school and following instructions

Yes harsh they said said no biscuit but needs to listen to teacher

Agree with the poster who said maybe you op back down if say something /and/or ds is usually good so when told off it upsets him more

You need to talk to nursery and see what teachers say

Strange that only ds are a smarties and all others didn't

Did they listen or show restraint?

Celticlassie Sat 19-Nov-16 10:23:13

It depends on the timescale. At that age, any consequences for bad behaviour have to come very soon after the behaviour otherwise he won't link it in his head. So removing him from the activity straight after he ate the smartie would be harsh, but effective, whereas punishing him an hour after, (when the biscuit was ready) is not good practice.

Hulababy Sat 19-Nov-16 10:23:47

The experiment is a well known one. Usually with chocolate or marshmallows. Haribo may have done one for an advert I guess but it's based on a very well known experience by that existed well before the advert.

For a child of this age the impulsive nature is immense and difficult to control. As any teacher of small children should know.

I personally couldn't have withheld that child's cookie after he'd made it. If they wanted to go down that route they should have sent him away from the baking section as soon as it occurred, not then let him sit there and continue to make the biscuit knowing full well they wouldn't let him take it home. Sanctions at age 4 should be pretty much immediate to have a chance of working.

I'd want to know a bit more. I'd ask calmly what had actually gone on, away from my child (don't want them overhearing so long after the issue had happened and taking it up in their kind again) and want to know what was said before, at the time and afterwards.

LBOCS2 Sat 19-Nov-16 10:24:12

Uh... no it's not Clarissa. It's a well documented published experiment carried out by an Ivy League university.

I would be cross too. It's ok having consequences but they need to be clear and set out - and not disproportionate!

cocog Sat 19-Nov-16 10:24:31

If he wasn't going to be able to take his biscuit home after he ate the smartie they shouldn't have let him continue to make it that is unfair he had probably forgotten all about the smartie by the time he had finished the task they should have sent him away from the task not removed his creation!

Hulababy Sat 19-Nov-16 10:24:58

Blonde - or just didn't happen to be seen doing it???

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