AIBU to have expected Dad not to loan money to ExDP - or to have told me first?

(16 Posts)
windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 17:43:41

ExDP and I were together for 10 years, apart 4 yrs. We are cordial and keep in touch for the children but don't communicate regularly. ExDP, I'll call him 'Tom' still keeps in touch with my Dad intermittently, sending photos and emailing etc.

About 2 years ago I discovered that Tom had approached my Dad for money to refurbish his (now deceased) parent's home which was in a dire state (the house couldn't be sold as is and was probably not even mortgageable). The aim was to sell it on and make $ that he would put in savings. He would work on refurbishing the house with his brother, who is unemployed and with no viable income.

Tom claims my Dad said to him 'If I can ever help you with the house, let me know' and Tom decided to take my Dad up on it. My Dad said Tom came to him directly asking for cash. Whatever happened my Dad agreed and gave Tom 40k for the refurb. I was only told about it by Tom AFTER the agreement happened and the cash was exchanged.

Obviously I was pretty livid because (a) I don't think it's appropriate for an Ex to go to my parent asking for money, (b) Tom is a grown up and should try to find cash the old fashioned way like via loans etc (he has always been lazy, expected me to sort finances out when we were together) and (c) Tom is a nightmare with money and things like project management and he was only going to suck my Dad into a vortex of his incompetence which I was dreading. I kept quiet though because I thought it wasn't my business.

Sure enough the whole refurb was a nightmare with Tom taking WAY longer to do the refurb than expected, not tracking his spend, going back to my Dad not once but TWICE for more cash in total 65k (thx to Tom's crappy budgeting) and throughout sending ad hoc communication and emails often peppered with spelling and grammatical errors. My poor Dad.

I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing but have never chastised my Dad about not consulting me before saying YES. Tom is shameless oblivious to it all, thinking that he's pals with my Dad and that the refurb was a success.

Now Tom wants to ask my Dad for more $ because he thinks property development is his thing. Oh god. Do I have an honest conversation with my Dad about NOT giving money to Tom and the importance of consulting me on these matters first? Or is it too late for that? It's his money and his business but I feel I wasn't consulted because 'women don't need to be involved in money matters.'

Sorry for the long post!!!

Arfarfanarf Fri 18-Nov-16 17:49:21

It's your dad's money. You don't get a say. Unless he is vulnerable and not capable if making his own decisions then if he wants to lend or give his money he can.

I'd feel the same as you. I really would. But you cannot tell an adult what they may or may not do with their money

You can say do not complain to me if it goes tits up because i dont want to hear it.
But he is under absolutely no obligation to consult you regarding what he does with his money.
Even if the other person is your ex.

windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 17:50:35

Arf - that's what I thought. But he is 75 now and while totally of sound mind and judgement, he is getting a bit soft and easy to influence, if you see what I mean.

WLF46 Fri 18-Nov-16 17:53:38

As Arfarfanarf says, it's your dad's money and he can use it how he likes. The only reasons you should get involved are if you genuinely believe your dad is not mentally capable (eg senile) or you genuinely think he is being conned.

Not thinking that it is "right" for your ex to ask your dad for a loan is not a reasonable excuse for you to intervene.

It's a bit odd though, I admit.

ElspethFlashman Fri 18-Nov-16 17:53:43

A fool and his money are soon parted.

If you're going to have a conversation with anyone, tell Tom to sell the fucking house pronto and give your Dad back his money.

Trifleorbust Fri 18-Nov-16 17:53:59

I agree with Arf - you should tell your dad it's his decision but you advise strongly against it.

windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 17:54:08

But there's nothing stopping me barking at ExDP to stop asking my Dad for money, right!!

windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 17:55:21

The house is now sold, the money has been returned, ExDP finally has some cash which he now wants to put into a property business. Hence the reason for approaching my Dad again.

Otherwise it'll burn a hole in his pocket and he'll spend it on useless tat, cheap holidays and it will be gone.

Arfarfanarf Fri 18-Nov-16 17:55:24

If he's got capacity he's got the right to make the choice.

If you feel that he doesn't have capacity you can begin that process but other than that, you can't tell him what to do.

You could say look dad I'm worried, are you sure you want to do this? What if you don't get the money back? Etc

But you can't stop someone doing what they want with their money.

Trifleorbust Fri 18-Nov-16 17:57:32

I think your ex has an absolute cheek to be honest and I would be completely open with him that I think it's hideously inappropriate.

Arfarfanarf Fri 18-Nov-16 17:57:44

Well you can but again that's not your decision to make unfortunately. He is free to ask someone for a loan and they are free to say yes or no.
Do you think your ex would care what you said or do you think he'd just ignore you?

ElspethFlashman Fri 18-Nov-16 17:59:53

Oh I see. Glad it's been returned.

I still suspect you'd have more success talking to your ex than your Dad if he's getting old and soft. Tell him to get a bloody bank loan like a normal person.

OohhThatsMe Fri 18-Nov-16 18:00:47

Did he have a contract drawn up? What would happen if your dad died while your ex owed him tens of thousands?

Personally I would speak to both of them. Your dad was very kind to lend him the money and bloody lucky to get it back. I would tell the ex not to take advantage of an old man and I'd tell my dad not to feel he has to lend any money and that you were amazed he actually got it back this time.

windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 18:20:23

I agree that Ex has total cheek. I have tried to talk to him about it but he is one of those people that doesn't absorb what I'm saying, thinks he's amazing and is utterly shameless. He has no shame about what he's done and equally no shame about not being able to spell - he thinks my comments are petty.

I don't want to fall out with him. We have a relaxed arrangement re: childcare and I don't want it to have to escalate to the courts.

Many assholes don't know they are assholes, I guess.

QueenArseClangers Fri 18-Nov-16 18:38:57

Does he pay proper maintenance for your DCs? Hope he gave the kids some extra treats/savings after making money through your dad.

windygallows Fri 18-Nov-16 18:49:14

He does not pay enough and I am having to see a lawyer about. He thinks he gives me enough but it's not even close enough. My Dad isn't aware of this as I don't want to stress him out but it's partly my shame of having had children with such a loser.

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