AIBU not to want FIL to stay at ours

(24 Posts)
Mamaprima Wed 16-Nov-16 18:50:51

So, we've found out that FIL is coming from abroad and will stay at ours in 2 weeks. We knew about him and DGF coming over and DGF was supposed to stay at ours but not FIL. Now he tells DH that he will stay at ours and DGF at another relative. They are coming to sort out some business issues.
There's a background story to all this hence I don't want him in our house. Just over a year ago he stayed at ours again to sort out his own things. He told us about his visit only a week before he was due to come and he came on the day I went on maternity leave. A week after, he made a big scandal in our house because he didn't feel welcome. He literally wanted me to be on my tiptoes around him. To offer him tea and biscuits as soon as he entered the house, spend breakfast with him and many other things. He acused us of not being able to look after our guests. He was screaming his lungs out and no one could stop him. I told him that I was pregnant and he wasn't allowed to shout at me like that, and his reply was "don't give me this pregnancy thing".
I made it clear to my DH that I'm not happy about FIL being in our house and that I can't go over that episode.

Giratina Wed 16-Nov-16 18:55:03

I wouldn't have someone in my house who'd screamed at me. Especially as you now have a young child who shouldn't have to witness that behaviour. Tell entitled arse FIL to book a hotel.

mickeysminnie Wed 16-Nov-16 18:55:56

I would let him come but do absolutely NOTHING for him. If he says anything just say "you are dh's guest, not mine, I didn't invite you!"
Or if you want to head it off at the pass, tell your dh that this will be your attitude. So if he stays your dh is responsible for him or he can switch back to the original arrangement.

JaniceBattersby Wed 16-Nov-16 18:56:04

Si have no idea why you would let him stay in your house again. He can't 'tell' you he's coming. You have to invite him. And you haven't. Your husband should just tell him it isn't convenient.

ScarletForYa Wed 16-Nov-16 18:58:22

Tell him no. What do you mean you 'found out' ? confused

Ahickiefromkinickie Wed 16-Nov-16 18:58:28

Your FIL is abusive and should not be allowed to stay with you.

Were you happy for DGF (grandfather or girlfriend?) to stay? If yes, I would say they can stay, as arranged but not FIL.

If DH objects, ask him why he is happy putting his abusive FIL above his wife.

If DH will not agree, I would move out during this visit, but think about whether the marriage is worth being treated this way.

milliemolliemou Wed 16-Nov-16 19:04:03

So what's DH said? You both seem to have been told FIL is coming and had no say. How long is he staying for? Presumably he could stay elsewhere? I'd protect yourself, DH and DC from any adult who screams.

KayTee87 Wed 16-Nov-16 19:11:26

Tell him he's not staying with you because he was rude to you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Wed 16-Nov-16 19:18:17

Now he tells DH that he will stay at ours

And that's when your DH should have told him back that he won't.

Unless I got a grovelling apology then I'd be 'telling' your DH it's either FIL or you.

AyeAmarok Wed 16-Nov-16 19:27:55

Why is your DH not saying No to this?

Hissy Wed 16-Nov-16 19:29:05

What ^ they all said

Nobody who screams at me in my home gets to darken my door again..

Much less stay in my house.

No fucking way

I'd be telling the h to sort it, or I would

Inertia Wed 16-Nov-16 19:38:08

Yanbu. Nobody can compel you to have to host someone who screams abuse at you. He doesn't get to tell you he will stay at your house.

bloodyteenagers Wed 16-Nov-16 20:03:04

Not a chance. You don't tell people you are staying. When you pull that shit you are told not a chance.
Your Dh wants him there that bad he can take annual leave and wait on him hand and foot 24/7

happypoobum Wed 16-Nov-16 20:07:26

What is DH actually saying then? That FIL is staying and that's the end of it?

I would stand my ground and say no. If DH won't listen to your concerns then you have bigger problems than FIL.

thatdearoctopus Wed 16-Nov-16 20:11:12

I'm going to hazard a guess and ask if there are some cultural issues at play here?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 16-Nov-16 20:12:13

Do you have a FIL or DH issue?

ohfourfoxache Wed 16-Nov-16 20:33:10

Not a fucking chance in hell would he be staying in my home

What has dh said?

Bestthingever Wed 16-Nov-16 20:38:38

What does your dh say? My ILs arrived from abroad about three days after I went on maternity leave with dc3. We didn't have any meltdowns but I did wait on them hand and foot. I thought I was the only one to have such entitled twats as ILs until I joined MN. At least I know I'm not alone.

Mamaprima Wed 16-Nov-16 20:39:19

I was ok with grandfather staying over. But I just don't want FIL around. He's never been close to my heart, but after that episode I just can't "digest" him. Plus the fact that he doesn't ask if he could stay and treats our house as a hotel.
The husband says that he didn't have time to react. That he can't do much, anyway we don't see him so often. That he doesn't want to provoke even a bigger mess. In a way he understands my feelings but he can't confront his father. He says that FIL will behave this time and if he overreacts again he'll tell him off. He told FIL off last time but not that FIL cared much what his son thought. He ended up staying 2 more weeks after.
I told DH that I won't cater for his father and that I'll behave like he's not around. Maybe he'll bloody get the message. If I didn't have a scheduled surgery when FIL is around I would have taken DC and went somewhere.
*thatdearoctopus. Yes, there is some cultural differences. But he and his family lived in UK for many years.

Hissy Wed 16-Nov-16 22:38:40

If your h won't tell fil that it's not convenient for fil to stay, you should

Hissy Wed 16-Nov-16 22:39:41

You have surgery booked, no visitors, no guests

and certainly no bastards that shout

ilovelamp82 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:45:08

I would struggle to have someone I liked stay with me for 2 weeks (although obviously I would to help a friend or family out). No way would I let someone who treated me like that in my house.

I would be really upset that my DH let him stay a further 2 weeks after he screamed at you in your own home and is letting him stay again.

Not a chance in hell I would let him stay.

Cherrysoup Wed 16-Nov-16 22:50:16

You have surgery yet your DH has said yes to his abusive father?! The fil is not the problem, love!

OzzieFem Thu 17-Nov-16 03:38:32

If you do let FIL stay and he has a go at you, call the police and let them know you feel threatened for your and child's safety. Make sure your husband is made fully aware of this prior to any visit being agreed to.

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