Am I making DS worse?

(14 Posts)
Iamthecatsmother Tue 15-Nov-16 19:01:40

DS is 12. He has HFA and is is MS school. He's s very anxious boy, literally cowers in fear, screams with fear etc. He's a kind boy, not at all violent.

He just started secondary school. The school has a good reputation for SEN. He was assigned a keyworker when he started. Since then, it's not been good. He's been wrongly given a detention which resulted in a massive meltdown, some of his peers found his reaction very funny and started to bully him, lots of heckling, piss taking, even videoing him on their phones while making him look stupid then posting it online. (I have reported this and it's been dealt with). I've tried to email his keyworker but she told me to 'take a step back'. Do now we have no dialogue with school at all. The keyworker has been pressuring him to walk into school by himself - I give him a lift as it's on my way with dd is school run. He been having a lot of anxiety about this, not sleeping, crying. Now he's self harming - biting his arms sad he's regressed, I gave him some money to buy some sweets the other day, he couldn't even go into the shop, floods of tears. He couldn't go to his karate class last night. I was worried about him so I took him the GP today and have got a referral to CAHMS. I have told school about his anxiety and self harming. I told them I thought he may be was having a panic attack. DS came home today and told me the keyworker had told him that's I'm worrying too much and this isn't helping him. She told him he's not having panic attacks - how does she know?

I feel like shit now, am I interfering? Have I made it worse?

IMurderedStampyLongnose Tue 15-Nov-16 19:05:40

Hi,I have very little knowledge or experience with this,hopefully someone more useful will come along.Howver it seems to me that his key worker isn't working in his best interests,and that you are doing the right thing by him.I would not under any circumstances just accept not having contact with the school on this.flowers

MissVictoria Tue 15-Nov-16 19:05:53

No, you have done everything right, you just got given a sub par keyworker, at least for your son. I'd honestly ask for a replacement ans she's not helping your son, she's hindering him, the fact he's regressed speaks volumes, and shes undermining your authority and feelings directly to him, which isn't on.

Sunnydawn Tue 15-Nov-16 19:06:56

Your poor child. Sorry, but I think the school is completely out of order.

My ds1 is not on the spectrum (although I actually suspect he is, but is high enough functioning it hasn't been picked up), but does have anxiety issues. His secondary have been so gentle with him - arranged counselling, teachers all aware of his quirks etc. Very gentle transition in year 7.

I would keep him off tomorrow, and arrange an appointment with Head of Year.

Or, are there other schools which are worth considering?

ahfuckit Tue 15-Nov-16 19:09:02

You know your son and this is a huge challenge for him. How much experience does this keyworker have?

nilbyname Tue 15-Nov-16 19:09:44

I feel like you have been fobbed off! I would be speaking to the SENCO or the INCLUSION MANAGER at the school.

Also would it be prudent to move this to the SEN board where you will get much better well informed advice?

I hope your little (big) boy starts to feel better and gets good support.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 15-Nov-16 19:10:24

In your shoes I would request a meeting with the key worker so that you can properly take her views on board and ask her specifically what I formed those views and opinions. This will enable you to discuss things that are bothering you.

I suspect she thinks that you need to encourage your ds more etc

marvelousdcomics Tue 15-Nov-16 19:12:04

You've done absolutely the right things. Sounds like the school and key worker aren't doing enough. flowers for your ds. My ds2(11) is on the spectrum so I know how it is. Hope this gets sorted quickly

jennn Tue 15-Nov-16 19:15:51

This must be so worrying for you.
Year 7 is so tricky. I personally think that the school should be engaging with you more.
I think your son needs to hear you being positive that things can work (but you also need to have some indication from the school that the situation will improve)
I would consider all of things that allowed your son (& you) to cope with primary school and use that as a basis of how to replicate as much as possible at secondary school.
Your stressing will be having an impact on the situation (but you are not responsible for it)
You need to work together to ensure your son is able to cope with MS school.
Does he have a statement or EHCP?

MoMandaS Tue 15-Nov-16 19:17:31

No, you have not made it worse. Sounds like the key worker has very little understanding of your DS as an individual and only a rudimentary understanding, at best, of ASD. Do not doubt yourself. I can't believe she basically told you to keep out of it, ffs. Fuming on your behalf, actually.

MotherOfBeagles Tue 15-Nov-16 19:19:33

absolutely not, the keyworker is not doing their job and rather pushing their agenda onto your son. I work in education and if a parent came to me with those concerns, even if what i saw from the child was very different, i would take them seriously and put a plan in place! you need to speak to whoever is in charge of the keyworkers at your school - not sure if you have a senco/etc. that is not okay, request a meeting in person with the keyworker and their manager - not to get in trouble but to voice your concerns in person and insist on being taken seriously.

3luckystars Tue 15-Nov-16 19:19:40

She doesn't know him, you do.
You know what it will take to get him back on an even keel, be it a total break from school, some occupational therapy, some medication for anxiety, or whatever you need to do to get over this hurdle in the next few weeks. You have been through bad times with him before I am sure, what helped then? Do whatever it takes.

Go in and meet the keyworker and principal. Tell her that you know your son best, if she cant help your son then you need someone else that will work together with you to help him. She needs to stop contradicting you and start treating this setback seriously.

I have experienced this attitude from a SNA before, thinking she knew better than a parent, she didn't and was put straight by the parent and principal.

I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this.

Have you attended Early Bird courses, they are brilliant for situations like this, the transition to high school is huge. Look it up and see if there is one on near you, you will get a lot of support and hopefully your son will too. They do parent and teacher courses too, she could attend with you if she is struggling to understand his needs. They are free.

I hope you and your son are ok and work this out soon.

Good luck x

3luckystars Tue 15-Nov-16 19:28:35

Here is a link to the Early Bird programmes I mentioned above.
I hope you find one in your area, they are hugely supportive, especially in a situation like this, you need confidence too to take on people who are supposed to be helping your son, but clearly are not.

www.autism.org.uk/earlybird

Best of luck x x

Iamthecatsmother Tue 15-Nov-16 20:44:34

Thank you for your replies. I feel a little less like shit now grin

DS has an EHCP, 20 hrs a week. I'm not sure this is being used effectively either. DS had a bad time at primary, bullied for along time. We moved with DHs job and he went to a different school - it was like a breath of free air. He was so happy, he had friends, doing well academically.

DH is usually very laid back but he's pissed off about this so it must be bad

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