To be upset DP's mum didn't invite us to her wedding?

(39 Posts)
IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 01:54:02

Dp and mum have a rocky relationship. She threw him out of house when he was 17 and extremely vulnerable. They've been trying to rebuild relationship in last year or so though.

DP found out last month (via facebook) that mum had married her long term fiance a few days previously!! DP downplayed it, saying it was probably a lunch break, guest free, registry office do.

However they came to visit us at weekend, and the new husband revealed (via showing us the photos) that it was actually in a very nice venue with 12 guests (including my DP's little brother) They all went out for a fancy restaurant meal afterwards as well.

Now I know the rule is that you invite whoever you choose to your wedding, but aibu to be upset about it? It just seems so cold and odd not to invite your own son to your wedding! She also didn't invite her middle son. I've been really trying to encourage DP's relationship with mum up until now, and this feels like a real smack in the face.

I really don't know what to think nowhmm

baconandeggies Tue 15-Nov-16 02:02:51

Ouch, how totally weird. Are they always this odd? Sounds almost like they've compartmentalised your DP and don't think of him as their son.. or not yet, anyway.

Why did she throw him out?

He could contact her and say he was surprised and disappointed to not be invited, and ask why. That wouldn't be unreasonable.

But sounds like he may well be better off going NC anyway... Who made the first move of reconciliation? How old is your DP?

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 02:10:57

She threw him out because he was "too much trouble" He was just a normal teenager from what I can gather. Although quite depressed due to a difficult upbringing. She threw his 15 year old brother out six months later.

They've always stayed in touch, but it's only recently that she's seemed more inclined to treat him as an adult. He's early twenties, so still very young.

He won't say anything to her. He says there's no point. It's me who feels upset tbh. DP has developed a really detached attitude to most family related things. Probably as a defence mechanism I thinksad

PerspicaciaTick Tue 15-Nov-16 02:23:41

I think it is an odd thing to do, especially to invite one child but not all.

TBH I think that your DP should treat it as a cautionary note not to expect too much from her and to be sure to protect himself during any future contact.

OlennasWimple Tue 15-Nov-16 02:26:27

I'd stay out of it, in that it is for your DP to decide how to proceed in his relationship with his mother and whether this is a set back in their relationship or a symptom of how far they have to go yet. The fact she also didn't invite his brother suggests it wasn't a completely personal / vindictive act too.

I know it's really hard when someone you care about it being hurt, but this is something that your DP needs to manage.

MissVictoria Tue 15-Nov-16 02:30:45

So she was a single mum to 3 boys, and instead of caring for them, she threw out the 2 oldest on whims? Probably wasn't coping, had money problems etc and saw the youngest as her "baby" and the older two as able to fend for themselves. Absolutely despicable way to parent, no defence for it at all.
To not tell them they were marrying, or had married, leaving them to find out on facebook, then come in to your home and shove the photos in his face, would be the last straw for me. I wouldn't have been able to hold back telling them how utterly selfish, self centred and arrogant they were, and demanding they left my home. i'd go no contact with the mother and partner, but salvage relationships with the brothers if possible, its neither of their faults how the mother has behaved, even if youngest doesn't see her that way because he was the babied accepted one.

Italiangreyhound Tue 15-Nov-16 02:33:01

I'd let your dp manage this but I'd personally not go out of my way to be nice to her. She sounds a horrible cow. Sorry I know that sounds very judgey and all, but she does.

In the long run if you do decides not to see her support him to the hilt. I kind of feel it may be for the best. But if you suggest it, he does it and then feels things are unresolved you may not come off so well.

Good luck and I am sorry, she does sound like a nigthmare potential MIL! I would keep her at arms length.

Italiangreyhound Tue 15-Nov-16 02:34:48

Ooopse, In the long run if your dp decides not to see her, support...

mylaptopismylapdog Tue 15-Nov-16 02:35:39

She sounds immature and selfish to me. I think it is normal for you to be upset by this but also think that he is probably right that saying something to her would not help anything. Going nc sounds like a sensible idea otherwise always remember she is insensitive and intolerant and if you have kids I wouldn't let them be alone with her.

BillSykesDog Tue 15-Nov-16 02:39:36

Your poor DP. Throwing out a 17 year old is just about excusable. But a 15 year old with no legal means of support or way of housing himself? The woman is scum. I think your DP's method of just detaching and keeping her at arms length is probably best. What a bitch.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 15-Nov-16 02:50:48

Wow what an awful woman. You and DP are building your own family traditions now even if you're not planning on having children right now. She actually doesn't deserve him in her life. However, it is his choice as to whether he decides to stay in contact with her or not. I echo what MissVictoria said. It does sound like the youngest sibling was babied and therefore accepted. That isn't his fault. However if you are in contact with him, I would be wary of either of you sharing feelings on her with him because he may be highly conditioned/brainwashed by this woman, who sounds completely toxic. I hope your dp finds some peace and has managed to stay in contact with his siblings.

I also would never trust her to be alone with my child.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 15-Nov-16 03:18:04

"I've been really trying to encourage DP's relationship with mum up until now,"
Well I think you should stop doing that. He does not need to feel as if he is letting you down if the relationship doesn't recover. And frankly, I think he's better off without her. Some people are shits, and some of them are mothers. I think she is one of them.

OliviaStabler Tue 15-Nov-16 03:28:30

Actions speak louder than words. She clearly did not want him there so that actually tells you how much regard she has for him. Sad.

SlottedSpoon Tue 15-Nov-16 04:12:13

I think it was really cruel to not invite two of her children but to invite the youngest one. Am I right to assume that the youngest is still quite young? Does he have the same father as the other two or is he her long term partner's child?

She sounds horrible. BUT BUT BUT without knowing these people personally I would always stop and think 'walk a mile in their shoes' before judging someone for 'throwing out' a 'vulnerable' seventeen year old.

It's one of those things where it's very easy for either side to rewrite history from their point of view only. She may well have been a selfish neglectful parent who couldn't be bothered to see him through a tricky patch.

OR, she may have been brought to her knees mentally and emotionally by a totally out of control 17 year old who threw his weight around, constantly got into fights and scrapes with the law, stole from her, refused to stay in education, took drugs and showed no respect for the feelings and needs of the rest of the family.

I'm not saying your DP did all those things, only that many 'vulnerable' boys and young men do do all of those things, reject all attempts to help and support them in any constructive way and make their mothers' lives a fucking misery. Sometimes you just can't be supportive any longer and for your own mental health you need to cut them free for a bit and hope and pray that they come back to you as a more tolerable person eventually, if they don't self-destruct first.

OzzieFem Tue 15-Nov-16 06:08:17

Agree with SlottedSpoon. BUT BUT BUT without knowing these people personally I would always stop and think 'walk a mile in their shoes' before judging someone for 'throwing out' a 'vulnerable' seventeen year old.

Just reading some of the threads about teenage boys causing problems in the home, I bet if you asked the boys, their viewpoint would be totally different from the mothers in question, so your DP's version is suspect. As for the middle son he may have been following his elder brothers example.

As for not inviting them (eldest two sons) to the wedding, it was a small affair and perhaps the couple did not want to risk any fallout about the past being brought up. Every couple getting married wants a happy, stressful occasion.

OP - let it go. If you really want to judge your MIL than only do it from what you actually see and hear from now on.

SlottedSpoon Tue 15-Nov-16 06:12:49

Also an awful lot of depression, MH problems and inability to get their lives together in young males is caused by the fact that they can't leave the Skunk alone. Again, I have no idea about your DP OP but I'll bet there was a bit more to it than just the 'normal teenage stuff' you've described it as.

I still think though, if he is out the other side of that now and has a relationship with his mother then it was cruel not to invite them.

Fishface77 Tue 15-Nov-16 06:40:17

Stop encouraging their relationship!
Let your dp decide what he wants to do!

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 07:59:23

Lots of interesting replies. Thank you everyone.

I shall most definitely be keeping out of the relationship from now on. Up until now I had been encouraging it for two reasons. The first being that I wanted DP to have the relationship I think he deserves with his family and the second (quite selfishly) being that my own family are hundreds of miles away and I sometimes feel isolated as well.

Perhaps I have been blind in the face of all evidence. In all fairness my DP has told me repeatedly that his mum isn't someone you should expect anything from. She did actually have the grace to look embarrassed when her new husband showed me the pictures and said it was just another day! I know she would never have mentioned it if I hadn't brought it up first by congratulating them (obviously I didn't know details of guests and venue then)

Interesting that people are saying don't leave a child alone with her. Why would people advise this is unwise? Ironically she's desperate for grandchildren. The first time I met her she asked us to hurry up giving her a grandchild and to make it a girl if possible!!

Dp's youngest brother is ten, so there's a big age gap. My DP and his middle brother have the same dad and the mum divorced him when DP was five. She then (by her own admission) married a man who was very unkind to DP and the middle brother. She then had more than one uncle through the house when they also got divorced. I'm sure my DP wasn't an angelic teenager, but he certainly wasn't a law breaking, money stealer. He's never been in trouble with the police in his life. I'm biased obviously, but he is the sweetest, kindest and most affectionate young man in the world. Any mother would be proud to call him her soon. He is quite damaged emotionally though in the sense he can be very detached from people (apart from me) I think he just shut his feelings down when young due to trauma.

His dad is also pretty much an absent father, although I do get on with him on rare occasions we meet. DP really does deserve better. It makes me so very sad sad

ExitPursuedBySpartacus Tue 15-Nov-16 08:04:08

Surprised you need to ask about not leaving grandchildren with her.

Your poor DP. Thank goodness he has you.

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 08:06:40

He did used to smoke a lot of weed, but I think this was more after she threw him out and he ended up at his grandmas house (dads side) He's had some very dark periods of drug taking, self harm etc. He fully admits that he had totally given up on life before we met. A heartbreaking thing to hear when he's still so young.

Ironically it was his dad that found accommodation for him and his brother after mum through them out. Yet the mother loves to say how useless the dad is whenever you mention him! So many unhealthy dynamics at play.

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 08:09:52

Perhaps I have been naive about the not leaving a grandchild alone with her thing ExitPersuedBySpartacussad

leaveittothediva Tue 15-Nov-16 08:13:17

She has shown what she was like originally by discarding her two sons. Poison is to be expected from standing water. She's shown you who she is already. Believe her. She's a snake.

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 08:15:02

Oh and she wasn't single when she threw DP and middle brother out. She was living with father of the youngest son, the guy she's just married. They'd been in a ltr for quite some years at that point. Clearly she's never considered them all to be a family together. The new husband never made any attempt to treat the two eldest as his own.

IsthisMummy Tue 15-Nov-16 08:17:43

I think you're right leaveittotgediva. My own mams reply to the situation was "She throws her teenage children out of the house. Why would you expect anything from her?"

I've clearly been deeply misguided over the whole affair.

SlottedSpoon Tue 15-Nov-16 08:21:02

Okay that puts a very different slant on things, presuming he is not seriously minimising any awful behaviour on his own part. I'm sure he wasn't an angel or easy to live with, (teenaged boys often aren't) but I am also sure that much of the reason for his difficult behaviour can be laid squarely at the feet of his pretty useless and self absorbed parents who put their own love lives and perceived needs before the needs of him and his brother. Its very sad and also alarmingly common.

But there is pretty much nothing you can do to make this woman see where she might have gone wrong. She will always bleat 'but I did the best I could.' And she probably did, in her way, because some people just aren't very good at it, this parenting thing.

She will always paint herself as the struggling single mum who deserved to be happy with her man, (whichever man it was that month) and as far as kicking her teenaged sons out goes, she will always see herself as the victim who had no choice in this. I doubt she has the capability or the willingness to reflect on how she might have done things differently for a different outcome. And of course his Dad should take his share of the blame, which is probably quite a big share.

I think you need to allow him to make his mind up what he wants from his relationship with her now, and do or say nothing to influence him either way - just support him in coming to terms with how he feels.

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