have I overreacted - two scenarios - worried I have turned into a loon!(23 Posts)
First one: We live at the bottom of a small cul de sac entered from a small road with a path across it for pedestrians. Normally cars from the main street park long the road to the left with a cars width space for us to drive in and out. There are 5 houses in the cul de sac all with drives and garages. I try to drive off the cul de sac to find that a car is parked adjacent to the ones already parked to the left completely blocking the exit. It looks as if the person did not bother to look in front of them and see the houses in front and assumed that was the end of the road so parked there. I had to get to school (3 miles away) to pick up DC. Ran up and down the road knocking on doors to see who's car it was as did not recognise. No one knew who's it was. Finally decide to call the police to see if they will tow as no idea how long it could be there. After 30 mins (on hold to police) person with NHS badge walks over and realises what she has done. She had been to a house much further down the road and there were spaces in front of the house! She says 'ooh, sorry'. I was furious by then and I tell her that she's lucky as I had hoped she would get a penalty for obstructing the road when the police came and how could she not be aware of the houses with garages front of her to show it was a road she had blocked. I was now late for my DCs. She says 'sorry for my mistake again, can I do anything to help'. I say 'bloody well move your car'. She then tells me I am very rude and drives off! I did talk loudly but did not shout/swear. Neighbours looking out of windows etc.
Scenario 2: DS2 (age 14) has severe learning difficulties and has just got an EHC Plan (without school support). Last few years have been a nightmare as he has behavioural issues arising from the LD due to immaturity, lack of reasoning, understanding etc and is very socially awkward and says inappropriate things. School have been awful, trying to make it a parenting issue, and wanted rid of him as they didn't know what to do with him as not severe enough bad behaviour for expulsion. Now we an EHCP they are trying harder to help him and have a new SENCO who seems to want to make him his pet project. Last week in a meeting, he asked if he could make DS his case study for his further training (anonymous). I said fine if it helped the school understand DS more. Later in the meeting he asked me if I knew what Attachment Disorder was and said that some kids are dragged up etc but he could see that DS had not been but was there anything in his early years that could explain it. I do know what AD is and was shocked that he might be inferring that DS had that. I have now decided not to let him use DS as his case study and have emailed him telling him that and that I will not cooperate in further parent blaming for DS's difficulties.
I am very anxious at the moment and go over and over these things in my head. WIBU in both of these scenarios?
YANBU about the car blocking your road, I'd have been absolutely fuming!
Not sure about the second one as I'm not entirely sure what AD is?
Hmm, I'd have been furious about the first but she didn't realise and apologised twice. I think you should have been a bit more gracious.
On the second, it's hard. I think I would gave wanted to explore more about what sort if trauma he had in mind. If he was clear it wasn't a comment on your parenting, i.e. It wasn't refrigerator parent and normal AD, it might have been worth exploring in any case, to see if it would help your DS. But that said, I am a bit if a sceptic about AD although alas I have to live with the consequences if something quite like it, more like PTSD. But as long as you were courteous in your response, I don't see that you were unreasonable.
AD is Attachment Disorder where the child has been neglected so needs have not been met by primary caregiver from birth, in a nutshell. DS has been assessed by clinical psychologist, Paed, SALT etc as part of investigations for Autism which were negative but significant difficulties were discovered along with very low IQ and mental age 4/5 years behind. I have had a lot of run ins with the school due to them not agreeing that his low level behaviour issues - not following instructions, not completing work, late for lessons, talking in lessons, retaliating to being called names, silly behaviour etc, were related to his learning diffs.
Now they are trying to make out I have neglected him as a baby FFS. I was too polite to say WTAF in the meeting and worried that now I have refused to agree to case study they will think I am in denial or something so I look even more like one of 'those' parents. DS's twin is fine btw. No SEN or behaviour issues. They must think that I locked DS in a dark room as a baby because I only wanted one! Am mortified.
With the woman blocking the road, I am second guessing myself going over and over it to check I didn't swear and neighbours think I'm horrible.
I seem to attract this shit. Yesterday a bloke smiled at me in the street and because I didn't smile back, he called me a miserable cow. I did not register that he'd smiled until he walked past me!
Yanbu. Less would send me over the edge!
Re your child, I have studied AD at post grad level. What you describe sounds nothing like AD.
The twat who wants to use you as a case study has latched onto this as a passing band wagon and invited you to climb aboard.
Your child sounds like the kind of child who would thrive in a more fluid, hands on and outdoor learning environment. Check out 'play cues & play frames'. Children like yours, in my humble experience, think and process information more quickly, have less interest in individuals and more in groups, ideas and concepts.
This isn't always a problem, it is often that the environment makes it so. Check out 'powerwood'.
I would loose my shit at both too.
Thank you My. That is heartening. That Powerwood website is interesting thank you.
She asked an obvious question! Move the bloody car!!
With regards to your son YADNBU
Why anyone would say that in the street because someone they don't know didn't smile at them is beyond me! He sounds like a loon!
Yanbu. The first was an idiot who didn't bother to pay attention and was lucky not to be towed or that an emergency vehicle didn't need to get to a house past it.
I don't know anything about ad but sounds very off if that's the inference, like a sneaky way for the school to blame and push aside responsibility for bring shit in the past- perhaps by blaming now too?
What an earth gives the SENCO the idea that they can bandy about diagnostic labels like that..... Honestly, they trained as a teacher not a Mental health professional. I suggest you remind "Dr Google" that Ds had been assessed by someone with an actual doctorate in clinical psychology... A bit of feedback about how to handle that little knowledge they think they have may be useful. They probably have no idea how damaging their armchair psychology is....
Completely irrelevant to what you are asking but now he has an EHCP have you considered moving him to a more supportive school?
Do you think you have stress and anxiety maybe? This can cause you to overthink and get over-irritable at most things.
You've got such a lot on your plate, no wonder you feel stressed.
Regarding your Son, you have most certainly done the right thing. I think this SENCO, is a little too big for his boots !
As for the parking issue, I too would have been angry, but she did seem genuinely apologetic.Try not to be too hard on people, everyone carries their own burden. Maybe she was flustered and made a genuine mistake.
YANBU in either scenario. You've just had two incidents - the first deeply frustrating, the second genuinely insulting and concerning. You're allowed to react negatively when shit happens. You sound sane to me, but under a lot of stress.
Well it's reasonable in the first to be angry, but as a previous poster said maybe could be more generous given her apologies,
As for the second, you state he said he didn't think it was AD, but asked if there was anything in his early years. As he didn't know uour child this seems a reasonable question to me and not an accusation against you.
Unless uou give further examples, I am unsure he said you neglected him as a child and to think they think you locked him up seems a bit exaggerated , maybe due to uour stress?
Personally I would try to work with them, and understand it's normal to ask questions uou may not like as they try to work it out,
Yanbu in both occasions.
Yes on paper, you could have been more 'relaxed' with the nurse who blocked the path. But then yoou also had been waiting for a long time, you were late and she had created qute a lot of problems for you.
If I had been in her place, I would have apologised but would have moved my car immediately. It was clearly the one and only thing to do.
The guy in the street is a lunatic.
As for school, yep I agree, this SENCO jumped at the opportunity to maker your ds a project and to use him for his own training. If this guy (woman?) hadnt also been the SENCO for the school and having such a huge influence on the quality of support your ds is going to get, I wouldn't have minded. He would have been wrong (see the conclusions of psychiatrist etc...) but it could have helped him.
In your circumstances, this would be used against you and your ds to show how everything is your fault and that he doesnt need that much support but just love from you
So yes better to avoid that.
Definitely withdraw permission for your son to be used as a guinea-pig in someone's pet project, particularly as it's setting out to challenge a medical diagnosis in favour of an unqualified person's opinion.
Also consider moving schools, the existing one isn't acting in his best interests, do explore all alternatives. Have a look on our SN boards.
Blunt why on earth would you do a paper on Attachment Disorder on a child that doesnt have AD??
Of course, he didnt say the OP's ds has some issue with AD. But he would have done a study, dig out as much as he could and then present it as an AD issue for his training. And THAT would have influenced how he would have delt with the OP's ds.
Even if we are generous and say that it doesnt matter, it would mean that the solutions he would come up with would be for a child witrh AD and therefore not likely to be suitable for a child who has other issues.
The SENCO "diagnosing" would have my blood boiling. I had various "educational and medical professionals telling me that both my DT's had AS. I had to point out to them very firmly that both boys had been studied very closely by a team at the Maudsley hospital (headed by one of the top specialists in Europe) and their diagnosis was that their problems were typical of those that can affect identical twins re communication.
I did let a speech therapist use the DT's for a study as she was very interested in their problems and as a result she put a lot of time and effort into helping them.
No you are not losing it OP we've all been there at one time or another.
tomorrow is another day
First one, YANBU. In theory you should have stayed calm but in real life your reaction was totally normal.
Second one, YA maybe a bit U. I don't mean it in a harsh way, and I understand how you could feel like they are trying to blame you, but it might be a good idea to see how it goes before pulling out.
I hate men that tell women to smile and then call them names when they don't 'comply'. I am not here to make them feel better and be pretty for them.
You didn't over-react re the car. She was thoughtless and inconsiderate, and needed to move the dratted thing. Her question was disingenuous, designed to blame-shift the feelings about the situation.
Do what you feel is best for your child with the SENCO people. You are his parent. You fight for him.
This may help you OP
You'd do a paper on AD including a child who didn't have it but did have learning difficulties to act as a control or to prove that learning difficulties are not caused by AD.
It drives me bonkers that far too much imv is ascribed to AD. Eg refrigerator parents cause autism. Bollocks. But this stuff is still being peddled around ( and yes I have personal experience of this. This year.)
I think you're completely within your rights and reasonable to say either you've reconsidered and you would be content that ds should be part if the case study, esp as he has a twin, ( v useful twin studies) , or to continue to say no.
The man in the street, he was disappointed, sexist, but you are attractive! Feel chuffed that you attract while still being stressed!
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