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AIBU?

To just feel totally pants and really fed up?

25 replies

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 20:06

Hi everyone, long time reader, first time poster. I don't mind if I get a bit of a booting up the arse posting in here, I probably need it.

So, for a long time things have been getting on top of me and I feel in the last few weeks I've had a complete meltdown and am now really struggling with my daily life. I don't really know what triggered it, but I am just suddenly having a hard time.

I have anxiety and am on meds for this. However it has gotten out of control - I have had real issues with health anxiety in the past and am worried they will resurface. To help me cope better with my anxiety I have been considering going NC with my mum. She has been emotionally, verbally and slightly physically abusive as long as I can remember (I'm in my 30s now) and I find dealing with her a real challenge. She is manipulative and angry all the time and even being around her makes me tense.

For the past year or so my partner has been struggling with depression in quite a serious way and I feel I have tried to hold myself together for his - and my - sake. He cannot enter into a conversation about my feelings as it is clear he finds this incredibly difficult and cannot relate easily to other people.

I have a really challenging and draining job and overall I find that all of this amounts to me coming home, having a good cry every night and barely having the energy to pull my pjs on and go to bed. This has made me realise things need to change.

I don't really know what I'm looking for from this if I'm honest. I don't mind being told IABU, as it would help me get some perspective. I guess I just wanted to vent a bit.

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peachesandcreamdream · 14/11/2016 20:18

Can you take some time off work?

your mental health should be valued as much as your physical health.

In my most anxious moments I sometimes feel like I would do better if I had some time to myself. A few nights away with a comfy bed, no phone and fresh air. Just to rest and recoup.

Also, make the doctor aware of how you're feeling.

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 20:22

Peaches thank you so much for being so kind. Honestly.

I don't know how well me needing time off work would go down atm if I'm honest. I feel like that too, that what would possibly help even a little would be a few days locked away somewhere with just my laptop and a big bed to snooze in. Obviously I know that's not a real fix but I feel I am burnt out. The only way I can really describe it is I feel like a jumper that's gone through the wash too much and is all faded and stretched so it doesn't quite fit anymore. Odd I know, but that's how it feels right now.

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Smartleatherbag · 14/11/2016 20:26

Gosh, you've been through a lot. If sick leave isn't an option, how about annual leave for a few days round a weekend? Call in any help available to enable you to get some rest. The old cliché about not being able to give from an empty cup is true. You need rest and the people you love need you to be well too (and I'm sure desperately want you too! (

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 20:30

Thanks Smart... this is all making me feel I'm not overreacting at least. I'm a teacher so annual leave doesn't really exist in my world unfortunately! ... The empty cup thing is so true. sigh

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limon · 14/11/2016 20:33

I just want to link arms with you and say I'm so sorry you feel this way. Apart from a few details you sound just like me. I hope you feel better soon x

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 20:35

limon you too. I'm sorry you feel like this and I truly understand how shit it is and how much it hurts. Really hope things pick up for you x

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Smartleatherbag · 14/11/2016 20:36

Ah, my dh is a teacher so I get you re the time off! And the stress. Could you perhaps ask for a day off a week for a short time, doctors can sign you off for reduced workload. Might be preferable to ending up really poorly?

Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 20:43

I feel for you. I have been struggling. I dont have the anxiety issues you have but i have 2 small kids and ine on the way and work from home for the family business. Everything gotnon topnof me. Housework chores kids needs business. But i dont know what happened but a switch just turned on yesterday andni got abhellnof a lot done. We sorted through old toys. Tidied the kids room. The living room. Cleaned the bathroom and did some washing.nit helps i finally got a dishwasher. So the time i would have been doing dishes 2 or 3 times a day was put to better use and energy!

Can you get a bit of time off of work. Have a few days to relax and do something to relax you and then slowly get backni to things. I know what its like. Everythi g gets on top of you and its like a dark cloud. Hang in there. It does get better xx

Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 20:46

Forgot to add to the mum issue. I have had this issue. And 2 weeks ago injust cut her out of my life. I couldnt deal with the emotional bkackmail and torment any kore. She had turned my tmyoumg siblings agajnst me and i thought stuff it. Its time to do me! They are all blocked. Its been 2 weeks and just heard hrough the grapevine she is thinking of trying to contact me. But not definitley. So for 2 weeks she did nothing.... if someone is not good for you there is no shame in cutting them out. Especially with your history.

Its time to do you! And get all the negativuty out of your life. Xx

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 21:11

Thanks so much happy it feels good to know that someone has felt the same as me and come out the other side somewhat.

I'm really quite reluctant to ask for reduced time at work or suggest in any way there's an issue as right now I feel work is the only constant thing I have. I can't stand it, but it's a constant at least and I fear change like nothing else. Arrrgh.

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frustratedashell · 14/11/2016 21:17

You sound worn down and depressed OP. I do sympathise , I've been there. I think you need to go to the doctor. Get some anti depressants and get signed off work. It may not be convenient at work, but tough! Your health is more important! Us women have a tendency to put ourselves last. I've learnt, at last, not to do that. Take care of yourself

Casmama · 14/11/2016 21:18

I'm sorry you re feeling so stressed.
I think you are right to go no contact as if someone doesn't improve your life in anyway, only makes it worse then you are better off without them.
As for your partner - are you prepared to stay with someone who is happy to take all the support you offer them but unable or unwilling to give you any?
It sounds like you are being pulled in all directions and giving of yourself to others but no one is giving you much back.

Thetruthfairy · 14/11/2016 21:29

Op, I am a teacher. I too have suffered with anxiety.
I really do think that when you are feeling at all low or anxious, teaching is one of the worst professions to be in. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch my breath, it's relentless.
Could you ask your manager to refer you to a life coach? It really helped me put things into perspective and sort out what I needed to change.
Good luck my luv xxx

pklme · 14/11/2016 21:48

What about going NC for a limited time? Tell/message/email her that you are unwell and need some time to yourself, and will be in touch at a specific time. then block her number.

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 22:36

Honestly, if I tell her I am unwell she will cause more trouble than it's worth. This weekend I got an outpouring of rage that I am useless, a shit daughter, and that she wouldn't have bothered having any children if she had known they would be like me. I feel like she is the little voice inside my head wearing me down and making me feel dull and like I'm not good enough. People always think I'm funny and sparky and happy but right now that couldn't be further from the truth. I don't feel fit for anything, or to do my job to the standard I would like to, or to be the partner I want to be. I just feel stuck and trapped and I'm wallowing in it which is so useless and self involved. What a pain in the arse I am!

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Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 22:39

No no.no. just block her. Dont give her an explanation..no one should be spoke to like that especially by their mother I believe she is the root of your problems. Just stop speaking. Block her calls and texts and her house phone. Does she live close by?

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 22:44

No she doesn't live close by at all - about 100 miles away. It is a bone of contention with her that I don't go to see her often enough but in the 5 years I have lived here she has come to visit 3 times - says she hates the driving, the train is too expensive and she doesn't like travelling by bus. Beyond that me going to see her is always arranged by me and involves us sitting in unbearable awkwardness at her house until she inevitably has an outburst over something trivial. I can see myself she is the root of my issues and the reason I have just a grim view of myself but it's just hard to think of being one of those people who has no relationship with their mother. I would like one but I can't with her like this.

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Domino20 · 14/11/2016 22:46

Wow, you are being incredibly hard on yourself! Of course you are not being a pain in the arse! We ALL need to take time to care for ourselves and switch off from the caring role. Clearly you have an expectation on your shoulders to provide the care/emotional support both for your partner and in your work. Please take some time off sick! Tell your Mum it's something disgusting and contagious and she'll steer clear of you! Please look after yourself x

Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 22:47

Oh my god sounds like my mother. My mum lives 30 min drive away. Shes only met dc2 2 times in his 2 years of life. Then she says my partners stopping me from seeing her.... when hes never even mentioned it. My grandparents are in their 70s and still see me every week and they live in the same town. As she is nowhere near you and cant be arse to visit blockimg her will be very easy.

Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 22:47

And she gsve all the same reasons as your mum for not visiting.

Happymumof3tob · 14/11/2016 22:48

Going to bed now. But pm me if you want to talk xx

user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 22:49

Ha she sounds exactly like my mum then Happy!, just awful isn't it? Exactly the same with my grandmother too, she's in her 80s and I see her minimum a few times a month, don't mind travelling to see her of course as its different but she's always so happy and welcoming. I know my mum is poisonous and twisted - everyone tells me so - its just so hard. And you can't argue with a mad person. My mum would swear black was white and scream over and over till you just gave in. She is exhausting and I'm sure she gets something out of making me feel like shit,

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user1479153350 · 14/11/2016 22:50

Thanks happy x

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pklme · 15/11/2016 08:00

My mum can be a bit like yours, and I worked hard on my boundaries so that what she said and did couldn't hurt me. She got a bit better when I got more resilient, and I learned to see that a lot of her being difficult/nasty wasn't actually aimed at me at all. Things are easier, though not perfect, now.

I'd love my DM to be a source of comfort, strength and security as it seems other people's are. I feel a bit cheated tbh. I've been able to keep contact with her and DF, but actually, if things are tough then going NC is just what you have to do to keep yourself sane. Will it affect your relationship with DG, and is there anyone else that could keep an eye on her and let you know how she was if necessary?

humblesims · 15/11/2016 08:32

you sound at a really low ebb. I dont have much good advice except to change the things you can change and try and ride the rest. Go NC with your mother. Do it straight away and put her out of your mind as far as you can for the time being. She is draining you. I understand what it is like to live with a partner who suffers with depression and how it impacts when you are low yourself and there is no support. Its very hard. Be kind to yourself in small ways where you can. Try and find some time to just be clam and away from your stresses. Can you get out of school at lunch time and just chill somewhere? i have a friend who teaches and she leaves the school at lunch time and sits in her car for half an hour away from school. I dont know if you are able to. x

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