to think dd should distance herself from this 'friend'?

(54 Posts)
marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 19:02:52

DD has had this friend (who is a boy, just to clarify) since they were 11. Now both 15. In the last 6 months this friend has been having mood swings and dd seems to be on the receiving end of anything he does. She says she both does and doesn't want to be his friend, but feels bad if she leaves him - 1) he is basically her only friend and 2) she is basically his only friend.

He has a crush on her. DD politely reiterated that she is gay, although she would love to stay friends. Friend now keeps telling her he loves her, kisses her, hugs her, always touches her, holds her hands, follows her most places - all without her permission. She says 'its creepy' and he just doesn't stop, bo matter what she says to him.

On the other hand, he frequently tells her to piss off, shut up etc. Today he said 'being gay is a genetic defect' hmm He spreads rumours about her, and roots through her bag all the time (which has personal items etc), and never apologises.

He even follows her to the toilets, which freaks dd out. In classwork, if she wants to work with anyone else, he tells everyone else to 'fuck off' before making dd work with him.

He has spent £30 on her for Xmas (she hasn't bought him anything yet - no money), and has said he loves her and keeps asking her out etc. She wants to break up the friendship but would feel bad about it.

Also, this boy mocked her eating disorders and told the whole year group that she is a 'mental self harmer'. She is really distressed in this situation but doesn't know what to do.

I think she should end the friendship. WWYD? TIA.

ToothPowder Mon 14-Nov-16 19:06:01

Of course she should end the 'friendship'. Help her work in her self-esteem so that she recognises that this dynamic is abusive and unhealthy. I think the fact she doesn't see that for herself (and that no teacher at school has intervened?) is the most disturbing part of your post.

HighwayDragon1 Mon 14-Nov-16 19:08:40

He's bullying her. It's simple, he's using manipulation and control to get her to stay near him. Next time he touches her inappropriately she should approach an understanding teacher at school.

It might be an idea to have a meeting with her hoy, and tutor to sound this out.

SaltyBitch Mon 14-Nov-16 19:09:05

Yeah of course she should, and she expressed her desire to.

Getting it to actually happen will be very difficult though.

GiddyOnZackHunt Mon 14-Nov-16 19:10:01

Yes she should end the 'friendship' and school should be aware of his behaviour.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 19:10:20

DD doesn't want to tell the teachers (no one has noticed either) as she thinks its 'dead embarrassing', and the teachers have previously seen her for self harm, eating disorders, anxiety, bullying etc. Will arrange a meeting with school ASAP though.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 19:11:27

She has told him before she doesn't really want to be as close, but he said 'thats racist' (he is mixed race) so she kept quiet for fear of being announced as a racist too

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Mon 14-Nov-16 19:21:57

What a horrible boy. I suspect he's totally bought into the negging and friend zone shit that teenage boys (apparently) believe in.

I think you need to sit down with her and reiterate that her body is her own, no one deserves to touch her without her permission, and that if he is rude then she has your full backing to call him out. If he says she's racist (what a foul character he's making himself out to be) then she should perfect a tilted head and say 'not being interested in you doesn't make me racist. You not taking no for an answer makes you....' and then leave it hanging.

Does she have lots of other friends she can surround herself with while she tries to extricate herself?

This actually is quite worrying, this is the the sort of behaviour you see mentioned in newspaper articles after someone is jailed for assault. Melodramatic maybe, but he sounds awful and he really needs reining in before he gets out of hand (btw, not trying to put the responsibility of that on your daughter flowers)

Unescorted Mon 14-Nov-16 19:26:06

Advice from my DD (after her jaw hit the floor and a long noooooooooooooo waaay!) - break it off, tell her not to feel bad about it because if she thinks how many times she has made her feel shit about things - he is a knob 'ed.
She also says she should come to her school where they would look after her. In no way is it acceptable on any level. She needs to go to pastoral and if they are shit then the police as that is rediculous.

There ends my dd's advice. By the sound of it at that age his behaviour is not acceptable and her being gay or having eating disorders is not seen as a reason to dislike a person. Kids these days are more grown up that we ever were - thankfully.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 19:50:51

Thank you Felicia. Unfortunately, he is her only friend. She does have other people she occasionally talks to but no one else really that is her friend.

Unescorted, thank you. Tell your dd thank you too, dd appreciated it smile

Thankfully, we are waiting for a confirmation on moving schools to ds1's, due to prior homophobic bullying (another thread) and other issues. During the homophobic bullying, this friend said nothing - no support, nothing. DD cant wait, but in the meantime she has no one really sad

BertrandRussell Mon 14-Nov-16 19:57:52

I never say this- but I wouldn't be letting her go back to the school. And I never say this either- but I might very well step in and tell this boy that if he doesn't leave her alone you will go to the police.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 20:00:06

I have considered that Bertrand, I offered dd to stay off because he just will not listen to her. But she loves learning, and won't have it. She would never have a day off school by choice. I've also considered talking to him - he does walk follow her home every single day.

ToothPowder Mon 14-Nov-16 20:03:07

I'm inclined to agree with Bertrand, and I'm not alarmist in general, but I would keep her away from him at all costs. Forbid her to see him if you think it would help in giving her an external reason to end the relationship. And make sure you let her current school and the new school know there's a safeguarding issue.

ToothPowder Mon 14-Nov-16 20:05:16

OP, he's a stalker, a sexual harasser and a homophobe! He sounds genuinely dangerous!

BertrandRussell Mon 14-Nov-16 20:06:35

If she was mine I wouldn't give her a choice. Home school. Tell the school why you are doing it- they aren't keeping her safe.

Rrross1ges Mon 14-Nov-16 20:08:01

Thank you Felicia. Unfortunately, he is her only friend. She does have other people she occasionally talks to but no one else really that is her friend

Presumably because he tells them all to fuck off so no one gets a chance. She needs to cut him off. It's like a fucking slalom of red flags.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 20:08:42

Thank you Tooth and Bertrand. Dh works from home, and ds2(11) is homeschooled sometimes (SN). Would I be able to take her out quickly? The situation just keeps getting worse.

Bluntness100 Mon 14-Nov-16 20:09:02

I have a more lenient view and that is don't demand she ends the friendship or demand she behaves a certain way, you will simply drive her to not confide in uou and you will drive what she does under ground.

Just listen to her, advise her, let her come to her own conclusions, guide her, talk to her about what she thinks, kids are smarter than we often give them credit for, if your parent had demanded at her age, what would you have done,,,1/ what you wanted and then just lied to uour parents or 2as you were told?? Most kids it's the former. No 1.

So talk to her and help her work her way through it and come to her own conclusions.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 20:09:35

Rrross, that probably is true actually. Didn't think of that. Will ask her now if that's why

Bluntness100 Mon 14-Nov-16 20:11:19

Do not take her out of school against her wishes, honestly you'll make a bad situation worse, and it will seriously damage your relationship with her. Seriously damage it,

Yamadori Mon 14-Nov-16 20:11:22

She doesn't have friends because he has deliberately isolated her from everyone. You need to speak to the school about this - and tell the school that you will involve the police if they don't do something sharpish.

Does he ever come round to your house?

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 20:12:03

Thanks Blunt. She really wants to end it, has done for ages. However much she says no, he does what he wants anyway.

Todays scenario: she sits on the bus and puts her bag next to her, he moves it and sits down, wont let her off until his stop when he 'escorts her home'. Its actually strange and I'm phoning school in the morning.

From asking dd, yes he tells others to fuck off which is why people don't speak to her.

Cherrysoup Mon 14-Nov-16 20:12:24

Think id be having a word with this nasty kid myself. I'd definitely be speaking to the head of year. Is there an LGBT support group at your dd's school? We have one and there is a support website called Stonewall. It's anti-bullying week this week, I think the head of year needs to know and your DD should be given a safe haven to where she can escape this shit bag.

I feel a bit sorry for the boy, it seems he has issues, but he's making your dd's life hell and no-one has the right to do that. I would advise her to block him on all social media. He should not be touching her, following her or going through her stuff.

marvelousdcomics Mon 14-Nov-16 20:13:27

Yama, he has a couple of times, but not recently. She goes round to his a bit because he doesn't really accept no for an answer. Thankfully its with a couple of others she occasionally speaks to, so not alone

Cherrysoup Mon 14-Nov-16 20:14:39

Website for support: www.stonewall.org.uk

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