Am I?

(22 Posts)
DollopofTrollop Mon 14-Nov-16 10:35:38

DS9 is being assesed for ASD and ADHD. He has 2 friends at school.
DS needs everything to run right. No changes without notice, no lying, no cheating. Rules are rules.
In school and at home he is very quick to lose his temper. He sees red, gets into you're face and tries his arms at you. He also doesn't really have a range of humour so doesn't get jokes at all.
He has been losing his temper with his friends, they change rules without telling him or extend boundaries. He lose his temper.
One of DS's friends ... I'll call him Jim is a bit of a cooky character himself. He's complained to his mum that DS loses temper and hits out.
Jim's mum and I are friendly. She drops her kids off at the bus stop and I look after them do she can shoot off to work. If she's not there at pick up I'll wait with them. We have each other's mobile numbers and are Facebook friends.
My other DS is disabled and has spent lots of time in hospital ... It's been stressful but our lives are always like this ... We have periods where he is hospitalised.
DF has written to the school to complain about my DS hitting and being angry towards Jim.
She then acted like nothing had happened and was all Hi to me... Can I leave the kids with you?
I said no as my son is a danger to yours apparently. I asked why she felt like she couldn't speak to me. I see her twice daily. If the shoe was on the other foot of course id have a little chat, no go and report to the school via letter. I find this extreme. It doesn't paint my DS in a good light and the letter is now on is school records.
I'm so annoyed that my friend wouldn't discuss this with me first.
She's told Jim to ignore DS so he won't look at him now and DS walks on playground alone as he is petrified of hurting his friends. I know DS shouldn't lose his temper but he has no control.... And we are seeking help for him but without a diagnosis we can't do anything. My friend knew this and we have discussed previously DS's issues.
ABU to pissed off?

ooerrmissus Mon 14-Nov-16 10:54:14

Sorry yes I think you are BU a bit, although I can understand why you are cross.

Are you absolutely sure it was her that has complained? The school should not have told you who is complaining or who your son is hitting, so unless they have ballsed up and named names it could be someone else?

Assuming it was this mum who complained, if the hitting is going on in school the school need to know about it and take action to prevent it. They have a responsibility to both your son and hers to keep them safe. It is perfectly reasonable of her to want the school to put steps into place to stop her child being attacked.
If anything it will help your child in the long run as the school should get their act together, for example by having quiet areas in the playground that your son can go to when he is feeling angry, or by helping him find other coping strategies.
She is probably embarrassed that this is someone she knows that she is complaining about so hasn't mentioned it. It's very hard to talk to someone about their child misbehaving, even if this is for medical reasons.
In your position I wouldn't mention it to her except in a general way- 'oh dear, Freddie's been having some problems again, it's very worrying' kind of thing. But I'd also be going back into school and asking them what they are doing about it. There are lots of strategies they can try to reduce the stressful 'non-structured' times such as playtime- my DS1 was allowed to hang out with the older kids on the computers, for example, which he found much easier than trying to play football with kids his own age. You may also find explaining the 'exceptions to the rule' useful- e.g. we all line up for dinner, except the prefects who are allowed to go to the front.

HTH

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 11:00:22

You are not BU. This mum is a bit sly and clearly lacking empathy and she should have spoken to you first.
Although there is no easy answer as I would try to protect my DCs from violence. I hope that you get support for your son OP.

LIZS Mon 14-Nov-16 11:01:37

Yabu . If there are violent outbursts at school towards Jim then it is correct for his DM to involve them. I'm shocked they have told you of her complaint directly though. Perhaps you need to take a step back and try not to take this personally. She evidently wants to continue to be friends, maybe out of convenience or maybe she realises you need support.

Nocabbageinmyeye Mon 14-Nov-16 11:08:14

Yabu sorry, generally speaking I think the norm is if it happens in school the school deals with it and as it's a pretty serious issue I suspect your friend wanted to deal with it officially in the least awkward way possible.

You are looking at it from two totally different angles, you from the point your son is being assessed and it's not his fault and her from the point that her son is being lashed out at at school, they are two very different places.

I do think she could have maybe mentioned going through the school in a bit to not fall out ot have it be awkward though, that might have seemed more upfront especially given you help her out

PurpleMinionMummy Mon 14-Nov-16 11:11:08

yanbu. In her defence it can be awkward to talk directly and sometimes easier to approach school. However when she's happy to leave her ds in your care when it suits her work wise, I think shes having a bloody laugh!

Glastonbury Mon 14-Nov-16 11:14:55

She has every right to want her child to be safe at school. She shouldn't have asked you to look after her DS though.

abbsismyhero Mon 14-Nov-16 11:19:40

She is being two faced and that is unfair on everyone

SoupDragon Mon 14-Nov-16 11:30:46

This mum is a bit sly and clearly lacking empathy and she should have spoken to you first.

No, she is not being sly, nor is she lacking in empathy. For whatever reason, her son is being hurt. Most schools ask that school incidents are dealt with in school and not parent to parent.

The school should not have told you who complained though, nor should the mother have asked you to look after her child(ren) if she believes your DS to be a "threat" to hers (and I deliberately put "" round threat!)

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 11:37:05

This mum is a bit sly and clearly lacking empathy and she should have spoken to you first.
When I am friend with someone I want them to be direct, so I feel she owed OP an explanation.That would not stop me from reporting to school either.
And the sly bit is about her asking for childcare. But then maybe she feels her son is OK with you because mum knows how to deal with it better than the school does.

AliceInUnderpants Mon 14-Nov-16 11:41:22

Issues at school are always recommended to be dealt with at/by school.

And we are seeking help for him but without a diagnosis we can't do anything.

YABU for this. You can do something. You need to find a way to deal with his behaviour - a diagnosis is not going to solve this for you. It would be wonderful if a diagnosis suddenly gave our children the ability to deal with their issues, but that doesn't happen. YOU need to start dealing with that now, not later.

Ahickiefromkinickie Mon 14-Nov-16 11:41:36

What ooermissus said. Also, she is NBU to try and protect her child from being hit but she is cheeky for expecting you to carry on as normal and take care of her kids and she should have discussed it with you before sending the letter.

When you say her child is kooky, do you mean he hits your DS?

WorraLiberty Mon 14-Nov-16 11:43:12

She shouldn't have asked you to look after her children, but she was right to complain to the school imo.

Remember, while your son is at school, it's down to the staff to deal with any issues.

Therefore the letter was probably more about keeping her son safe, than being 'anti' your son, if that makes sense?

Perhaps she feels her son is safer and better looked after when you are supervising, than when the school staff are considering how many kids they have to supervise?

Try not to take it personally, although I can understand why you're upset.

TupsNSups Mon 14-Nov-16 11:44:58

What did she say when you asked her why she sent a letter to school and not spoken to you directly?

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 11:55:53

Maybe you need to put together a plan and inform the school about it.
What are your son's triggers? You have already mentioned some in your post but this need to include examples for when he is at school. The school might need some help to understand the triggering situations.
Have you found ways of avoiding the triggers? Are there ways calming him down when this happen? What kind of support should be put in place?
How can your son be supported on the playground?

Funnyfarmer Mon 14-Nov-16 12:07:10

Maybe her complaint was directed more at the school rather than your ds? Maybe she doesn't feel the school do enough to protect dc's from your ds's outburst. Maybe she's happy for Jim to spend time with your dc in your company because he's only really violent in school. Have you witnessed any violence between them?
I think yabu about the way you approached your "freind" maybe you could have just asked her why she felt the need to complain and talk to you first? Maybe the fact that she felt uncomfortable talking to you about it might say more about you than it does about her?

PilkoPumpPants Mon 14-Nov-16 12:14:46

He has been losing his temper with his friends, they change rules without telling him or extend boundaries. He lose his temper.

This comes across like your blaming the other children for your ds loosing his temper.

Birdsgottafly Mon 14-Nov-16 12:32:14

Whilst your pressing for a diagnosis, why do you think that it's a negative thing that this is now logged with the school?

Having documented issues will aid and could speed up the assessment.

It's the school that will have to come up with strategies and carry them out with your DS.

Your Son can "be a danger", other children have the right to be and feel safe. I say that with two children with SN, my eldest could be violent.

It's devastating when you realise that your child has difficulties, but you've got to see all of the issues and understand why she went about it how she did.

Kids change plans and push boundaries, it's about your Son learning tactics to see him through to Adulthood, where he won't be cut any slack for aggressive behaviour.

Your reaction was childish. If it was me, I'd try to make it right.

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 13:36:41

Your reaction was childish I feel that is a bit judgemental and unhelpful.
Hopefully most people are trying to be helpful on this.
OP, if you engage in responding to the various points raised on this thread you would get more out of your posting.

DollopofTrollop Mon 14-Nov-16 14:36:25

Sorry got called out to the other DS.
I guess I'm just direct ... If something was niggling me then I'd ask my friend. She's my friend! I would ask her to find out what the issue is and see if she can deal with it.... If she couldn't then I'd say "right lets get school involved as there are safeguarding issues " he not beating them up, mainly chasing them angrily!

I've made contact with school since YR2 about my concerns and he is now YR5. School have said no problems up until this year. Last year I was more concerned and they just say DS is just DS... Which is tight but he's not like other kids do there is an issue. I've asked for a home school book because the only way I know if he's lost his temper is by asking him and what punishment or how they stopped it, school are not communicating! I've also said maybe he should be risk assessed under certain circumstances.... Then given an alternative.

Who ever was sarcky enough to say a diagnosis won't change the behaviour .... Welll duhhhhh!
I have another DS with severe LD and ASD. Strategies to calm both children are completely different. I could turn DS upside down s d that would change his behaviours and calm him. I'd get a smack for DS9 if I did that !!!!

In hindsight we should have had his assessed earlier but it's tough having a severely disabled child and then go doing out you have another with issues and my DH kept saying if school don't have a problem and we can deal with it at home ... A label won't help.
Thanks for all the positive advice .... Maybe I ABU but I just would have expected a friend to ask me to deal with it first .... Rather than school !!!

DollopofTrollop Mon 14-Nov-16 14:38:25

Oh and I'm not blaming the other kids ... I'm saying they change the rules and he can't deal with the change!!! They laugh because the think it's just silly because of the change and as far as he's concerned they have changed the rules and now they are laughing at him !!! He's very very remorseful afterwards it he just sees red!!

HarmlessChap Mon 14-Nov-16 14:52:11

If she is happy to leave her child with your DS when he is with you then she has confidence that you will manage your DS's behaviour properly, after all no decent parent would put their child at risk. However the way I see it she's more concerned about the way the school is managing the situation while they are on loco parentis.

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