To not talk to my dad again.

(31 Posts)
genehuntswife Fri 11-Nov-16 17:55:44

bit of background, I always believed when I was growing up that I was second best to my brother in my parents eyes but as I got older I thought that I had maybe seen things through a hormonal teenagers eyes.
So fast forward to now, my mum dies 4 years ago and my dad signed the house over to my brother because I already have a home!!! This July my brother has a breakdown. I was teetering close to the edge myself after my son had nearly died earlier in the year ( he spent a week on life support) . My dad rings me up that week to tell me how his son ( my brother) is his no 1 priority, he must have said it at least 5 times.
I was heart broken and haven't spoken to him since.
So am I right or am I an immature hard faced cow, I go between believing both about myself

DonnaMoss Fri 11-Nov-16 18:07:14

Gene, after 15 years no contact with my dad Ive learnt this - you don't need to justify your reason to go no or low contact with anyone. If someone makes you feel shit about yourself you are well within your rights to step away. That's all there is to it flowers

genehuntswife Fri 11-Nov-16 18:08:11

Thank you Donna

ohfourfoxache Fri 11-Nov-16 18:24:03

Fuck it, leave him to it and just be happy without this idiot in your life

Euphemia Fri 11-Nov-16 18:24:56

YANBU. What a shit. angry

Grittyshunts Fri 11-Nov-16 18:26:43

Agree with Donna and flowers for you.

Damelo Fri 11-Nov-16 18:28:35

Wow. That is awful.
Levels of wealth are irrelevant. If one of my children had lost a child, that adult "child" 's wellbeing would be a huge priority.

:-/

Landoni112 Fri 11-Nov-16 18:29:54

He's an arsehole, and so is your brother, you are doing the right thing.

missyB1 Fri 11-Nov-16 18:32:02

Well he can concentrate all his attention on "his number one priority" from now on can't he? I would leave him to it!

genehuntswife Fri 11-Nov-16 18:37:44

Thank you guys, I think I got so used the behaviour when I was growing up that I somehow saw it as normal and me deciding not to take it anymore was me being unreasonable.

AdoraBell Fri 11-Nov-16 18:38:12

YANBU

Fuck him.

Aeroflotgirl Fri 11-Nov-16 18:44:04

That is shit, and good reason to go n/c with him, he has made his feelings very clear to you. Cut contact!

ChasedByBees Fri 11-Nov-16 18:45:58

YANBU. Has he tried to make contact?

genehuntswife Fri 11-Nov-16 18:47:43

He came round a few days later to say I'd taken it the wrong way but to be honest it was the straw that broke the camels back and I told him to go away and leave me alone . I think that's maybe why I sometimes feel guilty.

woowoowoo Fri 11-Nov-16 18:49:58

You must be feeling so unimportant and 'second best', OP.

I think it is unforgivable when parents clearly favour one child over another. It is heartless and causes irreparable damage.

I think you are well within your rights to cut contact.

Damelo Fri 11-Nov-16 19:03:57

My dad respects my brother more, I know that. My brother could be talking about fibre optic cables or something and my Dad will hang on his every word. I try to answer the question he asked me (and presumably wanted to know?) and he interrupts me. But he wouldn't come right out and say 'your brother is more important'

Aeroflotgirl Fri 11-Nov-16 19:08:36

I am glad you told him to go away, don't feel guilty, you were very justified, hope he feels crap and apologises and tries to make amends.

Bohemond Fri 11-Nov-16 19:11:23

My parents 'appear' to care about my brother more. From an early age he has always needed more care due to MH issues - not always obvious to me but much has come to light recently. I have been lucky and I have always made my own way and been confident and successful. I accept it but I do know that they would be there should I ask.

If it would make you feel better then go for it.

BeverlyMarshlovesBen Fri 11-Nov-16 19:14:39

Best thing my DH ever did was go NC, he was always pushed out. Our first dd passed away she didn't give a shiny shit she had an argument at a market stall as they wouldn't return a dress she had bought for dd which had cost her 10.00 so the day after her first granddaughter died she was stood arguing the toss over a tenner.
My next dd became seriously ill and was admitted to hospital and he rang her and she screamed at him down the phone over having to babysit our son.
Despite all this he constantly tried to please her and include her and all she was bothered over was her golden child.
It all came to a head when she screamed some nonsense down the phone at him and he flipped and told her to stay away and that was that ... she's sent a few flying monkeys but gets no response and he is like a different person.

BeverlyMarshlovesBen Fri 11-Nov-16 19:16:49

Meant to say they've been NC 3 years now.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 11-Nov-16 19:19:17

How horrible! We're not obligated to keep people in our lives who add nothing to it, even if they're relatives. Probably especially if they are relatives!

Family should be people who love and value you. There are too many lovely people in the world to build a true family with to waste time on people who don't value you.

Patriciathestripper1 Fri 11-Nov-16 19:20:46

Step out from you db's shadow and be your own person.
I'd go for NC and let them all get on with it.
flowers

genehuntswife Fri 11-Nov-16 19:29:26

You've all made me feel so much better. I'm worth more than they can give me. I'm lucky that I've got a great marriage and two kids who love me unconditionally. It's time to move on and forget about my past.

Dinosaursgoboo Fri 11-Nov-16 19:37:12

YANBU. My parents favoured my brothers and now, (DDad died a while ago) Mum definitely still favours them. I'm reconciled to it now but she isn't as bad as your Dad and would never admit it to anyone. She did post one of those 'share if you love your daughter' memes the other day and added 'and sons'. It made me smile a little because, of course, she could just post the meme without mentioning them! In your position I'd stop contacting them both.

woowoowoo Fri 11-Nov-16 19:50:36

The fact that your dad said you had 'taken it the wrong way' rings so true to me. That is typical blame shifting and avoidance of all responsibility for causing upset. People who are insensitive and hurtful often accuse others of being 'too sensitive' and 'taking it all the wrong way' to absolve themselves of blame. They blame the other person for 'over-reacting'.

My dad is like this too. Completely different scenario but he will do and say very insensitive and hurtful things. When I get upset and call him out on it, he justifies it by saying I am over sensitive and living in the past. He just cannot understand how his words and actions affect others.

I think my dad lacks emotional intelligence. I don't think he has any concept of the fact that what he does and says affects others (usually negatively). He only sees things from his own point of view. If people react badly to his behaviour, it is 'their fault'. This has led me to be believe that he is essentially very self centred. Funnily, my late mum always accused him of being selfish and I always defended him. Unfortunately, my poor mum was right and it is only now she has gone that I am seeing his true colours.

I am seeing a counsellor to try and deal with the conflict with my dad. These issues run very deep and can become all consuming. I struggle to sleep because I am relaying conversations with my dad in my mind.

I really feel for you, OP. We expect certain things from out parents and, when they don't deliver, it's heartbreaking flowers

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