to block ILs and say enough is enough?

(153 Posts)
sphinxster Fri 11-Nov-16 08:28:31

ILs are heartbroken that DS (1 year) has my surname. This saga has been going on for a year, they cut contact for 6 months, DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship.

We're repatriating back home, DH was asking them when they'd like to come and visit DS. Lots of excuses, DH kept badgering, in the end they said they didn't want to visit because they're still not comfortable with DS's name.

I'm finished... I'm drained by this! They won't see their grandson because he has his mothers surname. I want to block them so they can't contact me. DH can do what he wants but he wants me to continue to facilitate any visits they might want to make to DS in the future. I don't want to and this led to quite a serious argument.

AnthonyPandy Fri 11-Nov-16 08:32:22

Oh dear! Reminds me of that meme with the woman in the US who was asked a question about a ?fire? and said 'Aint got time for that shit'!

sphinxster Fri 11-Nov-16 08:34:58

grin yes!

shopaholic999 Fri 11-Nov-16 08:35:46

Absolute crazy people.

I'd take a complete step back, block them and leave dh to it. Absolve yourself of the problem!

AnthonyPandy Fri 11-Nov-16 08:37:55

I just checked, it was Sweet Brown and she said 'Aint nobody got time for that'.

Why can't your husband 'facilitate' visits between his parents and his child while you have a spa day eat cake and read a magazine?!

Trifleorbust Fri 11-Nov-16 08:38:28

How ridiculous. Would they understand if your parents refused to see your child because you had given him your partner's name? Would they shite. Leave them to get on with it.

Penfold007 Fri 11-Nov-16 08:38:52

They've made their choice, respect it and step away. Their loss not yours.

ChuckGravestones Fri 11-Nov-16 08:38:57

Absolutely. What a couple of fuckwits.

AdoraBell Fri 11-Nov-16 08:39:40

YANBU.

DH needs to deal with his own parents and do any facilitating that he wants done.

They sound as bad as my ILs, you have my sympathy.

Ohdearducks Fri 11-Nov-16 08:39:51

What's their fucking problem with it? They're cutting off their own grandchild because of his surname? They sound totally batshit and spiteful to boot, punishing a baby for his name? Send them to the land of fuck off.

Newyearnewbrain Fri 11-Nov-16 08:40:29

I think I remember you posting about them before. Is that right? If they're still creating about this then it sounds like time to cut them loose. I seem to recall they were very dramatic about the whole thing, a thing which seems very nothing-y to me.

Will DH go nc do you think?

Tiggywinkler Fri 11-Nov-16 08:42:56

I can't believe this is still rumbling on!

They're idiots. Complete and utter idiots, and to a certain extent they're being enabled.

If they don't want a relationship with your son for who he is, not what he's called, then they don't deserve to have one.

sphinxster Fri 11-Nov-16 08:51:20

Crikey, that was a lot of responses while I got a packet of crisps!

Yep, they are batshit and it's beyond a level of crazy that I can understand (I have tried).

Told DH is can do whatever he wants, I won't be part of it. He's heartbroken though, this really knocked him after thinking things were improving. We had a big argument about it. I tried the "if this were my parents disowning DS because he took your surname" and he can see the ridiculousness but he said he can't think of essentially not having a family.

Yes, this is the same ongoing saga... It's boring and ridiculous.

I'd love to be able to understand the horror or a child having its mum's name.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Nov-16 08:51:45

sphinx

Re this comment:-

" DH had crisis talks with them, they met DS on 4 consecutive days over the summer holiday when we visited the area they live, DH & I send pictures and updates, DH thought things were slowly improving and we were all building a relationship"

The mistake here was to keep up communications of any sort. These people never apologised nor accepted any responsibility for their actions have they?. Your H was wrong also in thinking that things were improving because his parents were still the same. He still wants their approval on some level so keeps trying with them regardless. I would also think he is very much in a FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) state still with regards to them.

Its his parents so he needs to deal with them. Problem is that he cannot or equally will not (again approval seeking and he is still very much afraid of them). Therefore he wants to rope you into that task; you are right to say no. His inertia when it comes to his parents as well hurts him as well as you.

Am I right in thinking these are the people who only communicated with your child on a parent's lap via skype?.

His parents have always been unreasonable to say the very least; the best thing you can do is cut all contact with them going forward now. This was never going to work out because these people are at heart unreasonable and toxic to be around.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 11-Nov-16 08:53:47

Also you cannot use reasoned argument with dysfunctional people like his parents; its just does not work. The only opinion that matters to people like his parents are their own.

sphinxster Fri 11-Nov-16 08:54:38

This is what I was trying to say to DH. They can't just swan in and out of DS's life. They done a fabulous job of emotionally manipulating DH and reeling him in when they desire, I won't have my child being treated that way. Not a chance will DS grow up thinking this is normal behaviour.

Bluntness100 Fri 11-Nov-16 08:55:00

The name is an excuse. There is something else going on.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 11-Nov-16 08:55:43

These people are completely irrational and I bet if it wasn't a name they'd find something else.

I would tell you dh that he is absolutely free to have a relationship with them but you won't be. Tell him you have boundaries and you aren't moving them for anyone.

Blu Fri 11-Nov-16 08:55:50

What does he mean by 'continue to facilitate'? And what would you blocking them mean?

Tell DH that he is welcome to facilitate contact , and if it all settled down and they accept the situation and become good, normal grandparents you will be more than happy to resume a role as regular DIL.

I wouldn't actively impede your DH in his relationship with his parents , or lay down ultimatums. But you yourself don't have to pander to these idiots. Just maintain your position calmly and reasonably without slagging them off: their behaviour speaks for itself, your DH clearly doesn't agree with them, so don't rub salt in. Not saying you are, of course,

LifeLong13 Fri 11-Nov-16 08:58:12

Text the nutters saying you've changed his name to something like Prince Charming/Apple Blossom so now they can spend time with him now. Bloody muppets.

Blu Fri 11-Nov-16 08:58:16

He knows they are behaving badly, but that doesn't mean going NC wouldn't be painful for him. It has to be his decision .

ChuckGravestones Fri 11-Nov-16 09:00:00

he said he can't think of essentially not having a family

You and DS are his family. It's his parents that are not wanting any part of it.

sphinxster Fri 11-Nov-16 09:00:01

Attila, it's so difficult trying to make him see reason when it comes to these people. I know they're his parents, I've tried to be supportive but this has been a fucking year now!! DS is now aware of people, he knows my parents, sister, his cousins etc from visits and FaceTime etc... He has no idea who DH's side of the family are and that's their choice, they made the decision to be strangers to him.
They don't want to see him because of his name, fine ... but they can't change their minds on this, if that's what they want, that's how it'll be. They will not give and take love whenever it suits them, like they do with DH.

ApollO88 Fri 11-Nov-16 09:01:01

I was with my DH for 5 years before we got married. We had our DS 1 year into our relationship. My relationship with FIL was always very fractious. He thought I'd trapped his son into being with me by having DS. When we told FIL we were getting married he told my DH he was a fool marry me and haven't heard from him since. This was July of 2015. We married in Nov 2015 and haven't heard a peep from him since. Didn't send a card for DS for his birthday and nothing at Christmas. He may have fallen out with us over our marriage but to ignor his first grandchild at Christmas was unforgivable so as far as I am concerned it's NC for life.
Some people are just batshit and you don't need that kind of negativity OP flowersflowers

AyeAmarok Fri 11-Nov-16 09:01:54

Are they trying to wear you and DH down so you change DS's name?

Absolute madness!

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