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AIBU?

To have left (D)H?

37 replies

hungryhippo90 · 10/11/2016 09:22

Ive started a few AIBUs concerning my Husband, his general shittiness with money and everything else. Ive become worn down by dealing with the mess he creates as if he is a child.

This is going to be long because there is a huge backstory here, which makes me feel that I was right in having just left him, because Ive tried and tried, and tried, but now I feel awful. Im second guessing myself.

When we met, I believed that he was doing ok financially. I believed him to be responsible, our relationship had its bumps, but it was good. I was supportive of him. I lent him money to pay his workers, I lent him money for petrol, insurance on his van etc...It became clear that his business was a drain on resources. It became an expensive hobby instead of work. He wasnt paid by a client, and that left him with some quite substantial debts with the builders merchants. Then news of a £10000 tax bill from previous years crops up, and I realise he hasnt been filing returns for years. At which point I say, you need to give this up. You NEED to either operate properly, or not at all. So he accepts no more work, and winds down the business. He didnt look for a job for the following three months. During this time, I am working. I am paying everything.
He does get himself a job, but things start getting bad because he doesnt care that hes getting parking tickets from everywhere, every bill he had, he stopped paying, there are bailiffs at my door every few months. During this time im also getting blamed, because "his life all fell apart not long after he met me"
Threats of court action for the debts come, bailiffs come a few days before christmas, because he lives with me, they want access to the property to seize goods, they arent his. during this time, hes still crap with money.

This carried on for four years, then things seem a little bit better. i wasnt in work because my mental health really suffered through all of this. Our car breaks down. He sets about financing a new car. I have my reservations. I say not a good idea. we will get another little run about. itll do. get ourselves out of this mess first. A few months down the line, he gets serious about this new car. So on my day off, he takes me to see this new car. So we get there, and all of a sudden, the sales man is like, how about we check if you can get the car with a better finance offer. So i stupidly allow them to do it....honestly i didnt think i would get a much better rate, comes back with a decent offer, saving DH £6k.
I turn to him and say, if you make the payments. I cant afford to take that on. Yes, of course he says. So, the car is bought.
2 weeks later i find a letter saying hes going to be taken to court in the December with the intention of making him bankrupt...

Come December, he gets sacked, the following week he is made bankrupt. was late for the hearing because he didnt have any money to put petrol in the car.. that day seems to sum up our life together.

So as part of his bankruptcy he cant pay for anything on credit. So i then take on payments for the car.

BUT the positive is, its a fresh start. I can just about manage the car payment each month, its a year I think. I can make the payments. He can become financially responsible again. No more of this mess. Just the bills, none of the creditors popping up, him paying them for a few months, then stopping that payment to pay someone else. Ill be able to breathe again. I wont fear opening the door to people now.

January, he gets himself a new job. He is yet to tell the Official receiver his wages, so he hasnt paid anything.
Im at home, not working, going through a pretty bad time with my mental health issues. still have PIP which is £220, plus child benefit coming in, plus WTC for him and CTC for DD... so I was still paying about £500-£600 ish into the household... this was often to pick up things he forgot, like rent some months, it wasnt cool of him, but it was what it was.

come april- may time, Official Receiver still hasnt received any word from DH, no pay slips, and not a penny either. wtc, ctc has stopped. Income too high. Our budget allows for all of our bills, plus extra, but this should go to OR. Somehow bills are still not being paid.

I then start doing dog walking/ boarding, because I am now in so much debt, my credit cards were all maxed out paying bills he didnt. I pawned my phone so we could survive. Everything is behind because he doesnt pay the bills, and im trying to make them up. constantly picking up bills that he should be paying. One month he paid £250 rent.

So im now still suffering with my mental health being up the swanney, I work. I do all the parenting. I do all of the house work that gets done. I took on a permanent dog to ensure that I had a regular amount of money incoming. I have said dog from 6:30 am until 5:30 pm. i drop off and pick up. His owner asks me to complete favours for him, and until recently I was working as a cleaner for him too. which to be fair meant I often left the dog. went home, cooked dinner, left my dinner on the side, and went back to clean and didnt get back home till 10pm. Id go to bed and get back up to do it all again.
This coupled with my daughter having been quite ill over the past 8-9 weeks, so shes been at home a lot, and ive had to do various runs to the school, drs and hospital.
Then Ive been awake much of the night worrying, because again, hes not paying anything.
rent is due in 6 days, Ive been buying the food shopping. Ive been paying for car insurance on two cars, paying for two cars payments (2nd car is a 20 year old Honda which someone had given me, but takes the money each week, it was only £200 but with about 60k on the clock) the electric, the school dinners, clothes. everything that appears to have come up actually. He has paid nothing. He has also saved nothing towards the rent. NOTHING.

Id gotten quite serious about him saving money towards rent, especially as we are already in arrears with our rent, not helpful that he told LL who was calling every 3 days for money even if we had made payments to F off..but the £200 he had in his account seems to have mircalously turned into £30.

I asked him to leave. I feel like its absolutely the best thing I could have done. to try to regain some kind of normality. Everything feels so chaotic with him around. On monday having realised he had again squandered the money that was for rent I just lost it, and asked him to leave.

I can pick myself up out of this mess. I can figure it out. but I cant keep relying on him, because he puts me even further into this mess. I am so scared that my Landlord is going to chuck me out. I think if I explain to him whats been going on, he may understand. he may also think its just an excuse because I said I was going to take over the financial side of things a few months ago, and things havent got much better. mostly because when its pay day Husband is sure to remember his bank card and often pays for breakfast for himself and the lads.

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TheProblemOfSusan · 10/11/2016 09:27

Of course you should have kicked him out. The manchild is a total liability who's ruined your mental health.

Hindsight is always 20/20 of course but the earlier you could have chucked him the better - think of how much heartache you're saving yourself in the future by doing it now. I bet your MH issues get miraculously better as well, goodness knows how you've coped this long.

and massive congratulations for freeing yourself.