For avoiding confrontation?

(64 Posts)
newdaddie Thu 10-Nov-16 09:05:11

My wife is furious at me for spending £250 on a new doorbell.

We live in a flat in a Victorian conversion and share a front door with a complete busy body. She tampers with our mail and answers the door when she hears our doorbell (whether we're in or not).

I suspect she's 'not well' and don't want a nasty confrontation but we had to do something about the constant invasions of our privacy. We can afford the bell which connects to wifi and rings silently on our mobiles.

Bluntness100 Thu 10-Nov-16 09:08:56

I really don't understand why anyone would be furious about a new doorbell that they can afford.

Why is she furious? Sounds weird.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 10-Nov-16 09:12:03

I don't blame you for getting the doorbell, not at all. You have a right to privacy, and avoiding confrontation with someone who may not be well - so through no fault of her own - sounds kinder all round then waiting to blow up from annoyance.

EBearhug Thu 10-Nov-16 09:16:33

Did you discuss it with your wife before buying it? £250 does seem a lot of money for a doorbell, even if you can afford it. Maybe if you had discussed it's benefits first and come to a decision together, she wouldn't have reacted this way. I think it's probably not about the doorbell per se.

newdaddie Thu 10-Nov-16 09:17:19

Because bluntness "having a backbone" is free and the money could have been better spent on something for our dd, my dw thinks it's a complete waste of money

KlingybunFistelvase Thu 10-Nov-16 09:18:00

Yanbu at all! Would be very surprised if anyone thought you were.

I do find it a bit strange when I meet people who avoid confrontation at all costs by never being direct or voicing an opinion on anything so was expecting, from the title of your post that I would disagree with you. But, in this case I would do exactly the same as you. It's definitely kinder not to confront this neighbour. Why escalate things and stress everyone out?

Soubriquet Thu 10-Nov-16 09:18:21

£250 for a doorbell?!

Hope you discussed that with your wife first

It's a huge purchase

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Thu 10-Nov-16 09:20:46

newdaddie I love gadgets too, but £250 for a wifi doordell? Sounds a bit excessive to me ?????

Not sure if situation but could it be that she would rather have the busybody deals with rather than being handled?

What issue does dw have with the doorbell, i.e. Have you asked her why she is annoyed bout it ?

Cisoff Thu 10-Nov-16 09:22:37

Gosh they invent clever things these days, don't they?

<misses point>

newdaddie Thu 10-Nov-16 09:42:10

Dw definitely wanted a confrontation as my neighbour opened a xmas present my dw ordered online and intended for BIL because it had a "dodgy foreign looking name" we both agreed that this was a step too far but since my dw has a far hotter temper I told her I would sort out...

...and I paid for the bell with my own money (an argument I have just discovered is not applicable to me, but I digress)

We used to be away from home a lot for work so it was handy having someone to receive parcels etc, so we didn't complain before. But now we've started a family we're home far more often and really don't need the interference.

My wife doesn't agree that she's unwell... she thinks she is a "lazy old hippy witch" and a few other things I will spare your eyes from.

Soubriquet Thu 10-Nov-16 09:45:44

When you say it's "your money" does your wife have her own money to herself too?

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 10-Nov-16 09:54:32

You said you'd deal with it but you haven't. You've spent a fair chunk of money on attempting to avoid dealing with it. That's not the same thing.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu Thu 10-Nov-16 10:02:56

Yes expensive purchases should be discussed together. Even if it is 'your' money, as in reality when married assets are shared.

I think her frustration is that you said you would 'deal' with the situation, but have actually found an expensive way of not dealing with it.

She will still be tampering with your post. She still will answer the door if she hears/ sees your guests outside. Your doorbell doesn't address that.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Thu 10-Nov-16 10:08:10

Op just to you let you know I'm male too so you are getting my a balanced view here.

If you are married there is no such thing as *my money* - that said your wife should be paying money into joint account too.

You have not dealt with the issue,you have circumvented it to a point, yes it works that callers to the door will alert via your phone, but what happens when a courier leaves another parcel that is opened?

I think it's maybe time to have a convo with the hippy witch, tell her that your post is privat and she has no right to touch it, and if she does it again you will consider involving police. Think of buying a £30 secure box after you have had the conversation with hippy witch to ensure private parcels are left secure.

Bluntness100 Thu 10-Nov-16 10:08:18

Well, I'd probably have discussed it with my hubby, but to be fair, if he suddenly came home with an expensive doorbell, I'd either say ooh that's good or lol you're nuts, I can't say it would be something we'd fight over or would make me angry. Shrugs,

If she thinks the money would have been better spent on uour child, then maybe uou can't really afford it, because she's clearly thinking it's an either or. That your child is not getting something she would otherwise have had if uou hadn't bought the doorbell. And that's a different situation. Then I would have been annoyed if it hadn't been discussed with me.

SnotGoblin Thu 10-Nov-16 10:18:40

Is 'your own money' the money that you earn which is currently supporting the household while your wife takes a financial hit on maternity leave? Just wondering...

£250 is a fuck ton of money for a gadget.

If you are new parents, a silent doorbell means you will miss a lot of deliveries and visitors which your neighbour will intercept because there is no fucking way in hell you can carry your phone around all the time in anticipation of the silent notification and tend to a newborn.

You have been unreasonable.

NoFucksImAQueen Thu 10-Nov-16 10:27:04

Ugh I'm with your wife. She wanted to sorted you asked her not to, said you would instead.... except you haven't have you.
You should have just let her deal with it if you didn't want the confrontation

WorraLiberty Thu 10-Nov-16 11:22:52

You could have just bought a portable doorbell for a few quid, and put it where the woman can't hear it.

Either way, this solves nothing as she'll still be tampering with your mail if she happens to see the postie coming up the path, before they've rung the bell.

By the way, telling someone to stop tampering with your mail (whether they're not well or not), is not 'confrontation'.

It's simple, adult communication so YABU.

newdaddie Thu 10-Nov-16 11:55:37

User you guessed that I'm a male but I don't think that gender should come into it as I avoid confrontation with other men too. I'm not afraid of confrontation but I avoid it as I always end up looking like the aggressor because of my size. And I thought the doorbell is the perfect solution because it has a camera and intercom that rings and connects to multiple mobiles so we'll hear it and if on the rare occasion we're both out one of us can give the delivery person instructions.

Gender did come up as an issue though as my dw was surprised that I offered to 'deal with it' in the first place as she knows I never fight/argue with women and when she saw the bell the penny dropped... and my dw sussed I had no intention of confronting my neighbour.

I generally don't fight with women because I'm wary of how it could escalate (and how it would look if it did) not because of some superiority/inferiority complex against women or anybody smaller than me. But after our 'my money' argument my dw decided that I'm "the peppa pig of chauvinists" and "just because I'm nice about it doesn't stop me oinking and rolling in shit.

NavyandWhite Thu 10-Nov-16 12:00:49

Why didn't your wife confront her? Why did it have to be you?

DrQuinzel Thu 10-Nov-16 12:01:38

Maybe she's just frustrated that the neighbour is seemingly "getting away" with her behaviour, which has resulted in you both being out of pocket by quite a substantial amount of money!

I don't think it's the end of the world but perhaps a lesson that you should discuss things like this in future.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Thu 10-Nov-16 12:09:35

I'm not saying you should fight (hence the have a convo with hippy witch comment) with anyone, but think a discussion with dw as to why she may be annoyed may be more in order.

I see what you mean about the cameras/intercom stuff, but that wasn't clear in the original post.

RosieThorn Thu 10-Nov-16 12:10:17

If the bell was affordable to you I'd suspect the issue isn't so much the money as your failure to deal with the situation like an adult. It is possible to confront poor behaviour without coming across as aggressive and without it escalating into a fight. Your wife probably wanted you to adult-up and tell the neighbour her actions are unacceptable, not buy an expensive gadget that, at best, only solves half the problem. YABU.

newdaddie Thu 10-Nov-16 12:12:13

So far the bell works perfectly and definitely 'sorts it' if we're concerned only with the privacy issue. I will address the xmas present issue but I was hoping to just write a note explaining how we feel instead of a verbal row grin. My BIL is a teenager and 'boxfresh'ness is apparently very important to them. So as a tongue-in-cheek plan for xmas that we're hosting this year his present was going to be retail boxed instead of wrapped up so we had it delivered instead of buying it in person. So it feels as though our plans have been ruined.

My dw is livid and I'm in the firing line now. I feel as though we're in a catch 22 situation as some people wouldn't understand the humour and family banter behind the need for pristine packaging. And we would look crazy for getting so angry about this packaging in particular. I can predict how it would go with it getting heated, loud and turning into a racism/xenophobia issue and the whole street getting their years worth of entertainment.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Thu 10-Nov-16 12:13:17

She might still look out of the window and see a delivery person arriving and answer the door, doorbell or not.

I'm not getting the "rings silently" part confused and unless you have your phone permanently attached to you isn't it quite likely you'll not hear your phone? It's a bloody expensive solution to your problem.

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