To be so worried about having a third child?

(83 Posts)
utopian99 Thu 10-Nov-16 07:27:52

Dh and I gave ourselves until now ish to decide on 2 or 3. We have a two boys, 2 year old and almost 4 year old, and wouldn't want a much larger gap so if we're going to have a third we should start trying now.

Dh thinks it's a good idea and always has done; although he realises the obvious practical challenges he's very keen on the idea of them all being a gang together. (He was an only child and was a bit lonely, if that makes any difference...) He parents with me 50:50, loves the two we have and would absolutely pull his weight on that front with a third.

I'm more nervous about it from a family dynamic point of view. Practicalities aside, when I look for discussions about having 3 the parents always say "I/we never regret having 3", but when I find discussion from adults who had two other siblings it seems a lot felt they got left out/felt like a spare/etc. This is the thing that above all else makes me think maybe we should stick at 2. I was one of 2 and we were and still are great friends, if that has a bearing on it..

Please please IF you yourself are one of three (Not a parent of three unless they are well into their late teens at the youngest,) can you tell me frankly what you think of it and would you do it? I hope no one minds me excluding parents of three young children but my worries relate to their long term relationship with each other and us.

Thanks for getting this far. It'd driving me to distraction..

AmberEars Thu 10-Nov-16 07:34:20

I'm not one of three, but my mum was (she was the middle one, with two brothers) and she always advised me against having three for this reason. Her parents weren't great in other ways either, though, which I think was more of the issue.

(Btw I ignored her and had three anyway!)

wigglesrock Thu 10-Nov-16 07:42:49

My husband is one of three (the middle one), he never had any problems with it, he likes having an older and younger brother. He is a bit eyerollery when people and tbh its usually on MN wink talk about 3 children issues. Tbh I'm the eldest of two and I didn't like it as a child and I'd prefer at least one more sibling as an adult.

stealthbanana Thu 10-Nov-16 07:47:14

My husband is the oldest of 3 and he loves it

BUT

he is much much much closer to his middle brother than his youngest brother (2 yr and 7yebgao respectively). I'm one of 4 and it always strikes me that his youngest brother is a bit less integrated than the other two. But none of them seem fussed!

stealthbanana Thu 10-Nov-16 07:47:31

*year gap not yebgao

Temporaryname137 Thu 10-Nov-16 07:48:54

I'm the middle one and loved it most of the time. Now I'm older I like having 2 brothers.

My older DB has 3 and his kids are brilliant together; the older 2 spoil the youngest!

But it does impact hugely on things like house, car, holiday etc - most things are designed for 4, so 5 meant a bigger car, a bigger house, needing 2 rooms/someone to sit by themselves on plane for holidays etc etc. however if you can afford it, I say do it, based on my family experiences grin

MiMiMaguire Thu 10-Nov-16 07:50:18

I'm one of 3, only girl in the middle of 2 boys and tbh I think being an only girl was more of an issue, well not an issue but ykwim than being one of 3. It wasn't ever a problem and its all I ever knew and was fine and is fine, I certainly wouldn't be any better off if I just had one brother.

I myself only want two, as I don't want to spread myself too thin as a mother, and want to give them as much as I can, not that I felt I got any less from my mother it's just a personal thing.

If you as their mother want a third and feel you can handle it then I'd go for it and not worry about the impact on them as siblings, I really don't think it will make any difference, specially if it's a boy... I felt I'd have liked a sister, still do sometimes but these things can't be controlled.

Newtothis2017 Thu 10-Nov-16 07:51:36

I am the youngest of 3. Two older brothers. I loved having 2 brothers and still do. Dynamics are different in every family because of different personalities. I had 3 children as did my oldest brother. I would say go for it if you have the energy. Because 3 is a game changer. I am so tired and pulled in all different directions.

SatsukiKusakabe Thu 10-Nov-16 07:51:39

I'm the youngest of 3, I get on well with both of my siblings. One I have more in common with as they have children too so we hang out a lot now, despite a significant age gap, and holiday together with the kids have days out etc. The other does their own thing more in this respect as they are single, but I love them both to bits.

We're not ones to talk all the time on the phone or anything, but we've all given each other support at different times and I couldn't imagine being without either of them. I get different things from each relationship and liked the busyness growing up and always having someone around.

I have two and feel like it should be three, but also feel the dynamic is great as it is and don't want to stretch time and resources, and health. It's a hard decision.

MorrisZapp Thu 10-Nov-16 07:53:40

Are you asking people who have two siblings whether they wish their parents had stopped at two?

It's a really odd question. I'm one of three, and it is what it is. My siblings drove me mental as a child but now I love them dearly as an adult, much the same as anybody with any number of siblings surely.

I'm a firm believer that there is only one reason to have a baby, and that is because you absolutely, overwhelmingly want to.

Pluto30 Thu 10-Nov-16 07:54:30

I have three and am having a fourth in January.

For us, three was what we wanted, and four was the one we were uncertain about.

Three haven't presented an issue thus far, really. My eldest two are boys, the youngest is a girl. The boys are only 18mo apart, so get along like a house on fire. There's a 4 year gap between DS2 and with DD. This is great because the boys are really helpful and loving with her. But they have each other when they get bored of her (as they do!)

I do find that something often not spoken about with the 3rd child is the extra expense. You need a bigger car (IMO), a 3 bedroom house is no longer feasible etc. This is a non-issue with 2 because you can easily fit them into a sedan or hatchback, and a 3-bed (standard) house is big enough. Just something to consider, if that kind of thing is important. Then, of course, there's extra expenses if you take a holiday (we have family overseas, so it's an extra airfare etc), extra fees if you privately educate, so on and so forth.

Worth it, in my opinion. But something to consider.

I am also an only child, and I love that my little ones have each other and that they get along so well. Of course, that's not guaranteed, and I do have a couple of friends who have kids who straight up don't get along (one with twins!) So it's luck of the draw.

SprogletsMum Thu 10-Nov-16 07:55:03

I'm one of 3 and I also have 3. I know you don't want to hear from parents of 3 but it is hard to balance all their needs at the same time. It mustn't be that bad though as I'm now pregnant with our 4th.
I'm the oldest of my family and growing up, yes I did feel left out sometimes. Looking back now as an adult I can see that it was necessary and the right thing for my parents to do. We all get on reasonably well now with each other and our parents.

SprogletsMum Thu 10-Nov-16 07:57:49

And to balance what a pp said, I have a 3 bedroom house with the standard tiny boxroom and a Ford focus. Both easily fit in all 3 of my dc and will fit in dc4 too. Of course dp won't be able to come in the car but he's an awful passenger so win win.

GrinchyMcGrincherson Thu 10-Nov-16 08:02:11

My grandma was one of 3 and I loved seeing the three of them together. They called themselves the three billy goats gruff and they were very close. They saw each other every weekend for as long as possible.

I was one of two but became one of three at age 11. I loved being one of three and still do. I see both my brothers as often as possible.

You need a bigger car (IMO), a 3 bedroom house is no longer feasible etc

Bigger car yes because of car seats but bigger house is bollocks. Kids can share a bedroom and survive...

5moreminutes Thu 10-Nov-16 08:03:09

I'm one of 3 full siblings though sort of one of 4...

I really dont get on with my closest in age sibling - I'm led to believe we got on when tiny but certainly not once older. My other sibling is quite a lot younger and didn't really impact on my relationship with my closest in age sibling as children, but as a teen and adult I have always been glad to have more siblings to dilute the family dynamic (whilst living at home and later when returning to visit).

As a teen I loved having a lot of people around the table at meals etc but found my closest in age sibling difficult (alternately clingy and lashing out). For me a big family took the pressure off a bit.

I must admit that I appreciated more siblings diluting my mother's rather intense personality too!

utopian99 Thu 10-Nov-16 08:04:04

Thanks for all of your responses!! They cheer me up immensely.. I think my worry is that to have two people very happy (dh and ds1 who is desperate for another baby!) Would be great, but I'm a worrier so I don't see just the great happy gang scenario. I've also heard personal stories from a couple of 1-of-3 adults which weren't that positive so maybe it's an disproportionate sample..

If everyone gets on happily together we can compare with the financial difficulties in terms of holidays/school etc..

Pluto30 Thu 10-Nov-16 08:04:32

Grinch It's obvious no bollocks since someone upthread said the same thing.

Sure, kids can share rooms. I have no problem with that when they're younger, but I think it's a bit crap when they're teenagers.

Lovemylittlebear Thu 10-Nov-16 08:05:34

One of three here and loved it. Husband one of three and happy. We are having another which makes it three under four. Scary but will try my best not to have a left out saga with any of them. I think you have pros and cons with 2 and 3

KondosSecretJunkRoom Thu 10-Nov-16 08:05:34

I was one of three, I liked it so much that I have three kids 😀

I was the oldest, fwiw, but I think that my siblings feel the same. People get quite cross when you talk about the benefits of being in a larger family, so I'll leave it at that.

MrsGB2015 Thu 10-Nov-16 08:07:03

I'm on of three (second daughter and middle child). Everyone always talks about the middle one feeling neglected or middle child syndrome, but I think I actually got more attention than my brother and sister. I did a lot of activities when I was young and definitely wasn't the shy type. Life is what you make it. I loved being one of three and we all had/still do have a good relationship. I would definitely have 3 but I don't think I've got the stomach for a third newborn!

SerendipityPhenomenon Thu 10-Nov-16 08:08:08

I'm one of three. From the age of around 5 I didn't really get on with my older brother - our relationship now is OK but it probably helps that he lives a long way away. On the other hand, I've always got on well with my younger brother. If my parents had stuck at two, therefore, I would have had a fairly miserable childhood. I have three children now and they all get on very well with each other.

user1471507699 Thu 10-Nov-16 08:12:59

I was the eldest of 3. My brother 2.5 years younger and my sister 6.5 years younger. I always thought there were lots of positives to 3 from that point of view. One was that one of us could have something e.g. a new pair of shoes without the other one thinking it was unfair. My brother and I did sometimes use my sister in our arguments e.g. X likes me better. I imagine this taught us well, but is the sort of thing you are worrying about. In our case though my brother and I would have argued regardless, we were too similar and pushed each others buttons. A younger sibling gave some space from each other! As adults we all get on and meet in 2s or 3s.

MargotsDevil Thu 10-Nov-16 08:17:01

I'm one of 3. Don't know if a 3rd sibling made a difference to our relationship because we are all very different so don't think a 3rd impacted on how well we do/don't get on - any issues are due to personalities really so that could have happened with any pair of us iyswim. As adults with partners and families of our own it makes co-ordinating family get togethers a bit more complicated I suppose!

From a practical point of view though I clearly remember new (much bigger) car and move to a new house coinciding with arrival of my youngest sibling so clearly my parents felt that those changes were necessary - this was in the days before 7 seaters were common!

WickedBadZoot Thu 10-Nov-16 08:19:01

I'm the middle one of three, with 18 months and 2 years between my older and younger siblings respectively. We were never close as children, and still aren't now. I did often feel like being in the middle was drawing the short straw. My older sibling got everything first, due to being the eldest. My younger was cosseted and allowed to get away with anything due to being the youngest. I felt it was very unfair.

All that said, I have gone on to have three myself! I hope my middle one feels differently. There are many variables which are different to my own childhood.

I think if you're questioning it then you're less keen than you need to be before making the decision tbh.

M1ssunderstood Thu 10-Nov-16 08:19:27

One of three, middle and only girl. We were steps and stairs - think age 3-2-1 so very small age gaps. For that reason would say DBS are closer to each other than me as they like same things both as kids and adults. Thorough younger DB and I have kids same age. There is a triangulation and said DB is the go between if me and other DB haven't seen or spoken to each for a while.

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