Apologies for the length of this, but I want to avoid drip feeding if possible...
I have a great relationship with my DP and also with my DM, but, as with many inlaws, they really don't get on with each other. In fact, they fell out properly when DS1 was about 10 months old and I found it very difficult as I got completely stuck in the middle trying to mediate between them... after that they didn't see each other for about 2 years - I went once or twice a year for a long visit to DM with the kids but DP stayed at home.
Over the last couple of years things have improved and DM has been over to stay with us several times and although they still aren't keen they seemed to manage to tolerate each other for the sake of me and the kids. However, now it seems to be all boiling back up again... DM is visiting as DS3 has just been born and pretty much every day there is some kind of unpleasantness.
The problem, I think, is partly cultural and partly just personality clash. They are both people who are very set in their ways and automatically think anyone else's way of doing something is wrong if its different from theirs - but neither of them thinks they are like that! Also, DP is very direct if he is annoyed about something (in a way DM finds very upsetting and rude) and DM is completely insensitive about stuff that is clearly likely to set him off (then gets very upset when it does). She thinks he is aggressive and controlling. He thinks she is rude and over-reacting.
Lately the issue has been cleanliness: DP and his family are borderline obssessive about domestic hygiene. DM has a far more relaxed approach. Obviously I was raised by DM and so am not panicking about dirt, but on the other hand I quite like things clean, especially as we have a new baby at the moment I think it's quite normal and sensible to be a bit careful about handwashing/keeping things clean around the house. DM takes exception when DP asks her to wash her hands when she comes into our house (although there's no way she'd do it if he didn't) also she really doesn't get how disgusting it is for him that she has a day old used cloth hanky in her pocket. Also at dinner this evening she passed a drumstick she's already eaten part of to the 2 year old to finish... and she'd think nothing of using a tissue she'd already used herself on the 2 year old or the 4 year old ... to be honest I'm totally with DP on all of this being wrong/revolting, although on the other hand I grew up with this kind of stuff seeming normal and knowing we are all healthy and all survived so also think it's fairly harmless really - just I wish she wouldn't! But on the other hand I know she means well and she's lovely in lots of other ways and I hate that this is making her feel so unhappy/uncomfortable around us - but i wish she'd just think a little bit!! And as for her relationship with DP, this is just 1 example - even if we got the hygiene issue sorted, he would find something else to be annoyed about.
I have tried talking to both of them and tried to give them tips to help them understand each other a bit better but it really hasn't helped ... and I'm starting to think the best plan is just to keep them away from each other... I just don't have the energy to try to fix this any more, I am so sick of being stuck in the middle ... I used to find it upsetting, now it's just sort of funny except for neither of them sees it that way.
I don't want to sacrifice my (or the kids') relationship with either of them, and I don't want to ban DM from visiting us (or for DP to have stay out of the house when she does) but I don't know if I can stand the atmosphere of of what's it's like when she's here.
So, thanks anyone who read all the way through this! And, from your own experience regarding inlaw relationships, should I just let them fight and stay out of it, or should I go back to only visiting DM at her place without DP? I think she'd be devastated though, if she thought she wasn't welcome at ours.... Any suggestions welcome.
AIBU?
DP and DM can't stand each other - WWYD?
crocodarl · 06/11/2016 22:20
Does your DP really ask your DM to wash her hands when she comes into your house ? 
Wow that's really tricky, I actually think asking her to wash her hands when she comes into the house is bonkers, does he do that to all guests or just your mum?
I don't see the other stuff as massive crimes either but maybe as you say that's a product of my background. We considered a few germs as a good thing because it built up your immune system 
Does your partner understand just how crap it makes you feel? We all have quirks that we don't like my in laws have them in abundance but for the sake of my husband I just put up with it as we only ever see them once a week really. It sounds like your mum isn't just popping in all the time and so can understand that his behaviour would make her feel very unwelcome. This must be so hard for you and also put you under a lot of pressure so is really unfair of him and I think he needs to appreciate that.
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This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I have to be honest OP.
Iv had 2 premature babies , and it never occurred to me to ask my family to wash their hands when they came in the house .
Felicia we definitely made our DC1 and DC2 wash their hands before touching the new baby... why wouldn't you? It's not being precious, it's just that when you see where your children put their hands and what they touch with them, it's not a nice thought seeing the same unwashed hands all over a baby.
NotMud as a nurse you think it "takes the biscuit" that the DH wants (admittedly slightly unhygienic) DM to wash her hands before picking up a newborn and he should STFU?
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