My house is so negative I want to scream and run away.

(71 Posts)
fruitstick Sun 06-Nov-16 08:07:41

I love my family but want to scream.

The 'sound' of our house is so negative. If you took the words away and just listened to the tone everyone talks to each other in it's horrible.

A lot of this stems from DH who complains about everything. Now the DC have joined in - or they're bickering about something or teasing.

Every task is met with either refusal or sulking.

I want to tell them all to sod off!

How do I change the way people talk to each other? And is that even possible?

Giselaw Sun 06-Nov-16 08:09:53

They're following the example their father is setting. That is,plesimple.

Giselaw Sun 06-Nov-16 08:10:40

Simple.

What happened there confused

8FencingWire Sun 06-Nov-16 08:14:21

I got rid of the husband, it helped no end. HTH.

Trifleorbust Sun 06-Nov-16 08:15:11

Difficult one. I would start with a policy of never rewarding moaning. Unbecoming fight over what to watch on the TV? TV goes off and kids do chores. Dinner not well-received? Oh dear, I suppose they won't be wanting pudding. I would explain calmly that no-one likes a crier. And keep explaining as infinitude.

Trifleorbust Sun 06-Nov-16 08:15:59

What happened there? Ad infinitum.

sandgrown Sun 06-Nov-16 08:20:48

I empathise. DP is a master of negativity. DS can usually be "laughed" out of it . Now working with two really negative people and I want to scream!

GeorgeTheThird Sun 06-Nov-16 08:24:11

Well, the kids are taking their cues from their dad. So you have to start with him. Try recording him on your phone and playing it back to him?

Lilaclily Sun 06-Nov-16 08:29:31

It must be exhausting living with someone who complains about everything
is he depressed
If not I'd tell him to buck up or ship out

I'd ignore the kids when they're moaning, just keep repeating I won't listen to you until you talk positively or similar

My ds , teen, swears in frustration when he can't do something eg homework, so I repeat I won't help you until you stop swearing at me ad nauseum until he gets the message

ladytrader Sun 06-Nov-16 08:34:19

Sound advice from rifleorbust.

ladytrader Sun 06-Nov-16 08:35:12

Sorry I meant Trifleorbust

FreeButtonBee Sun 06-Nov-16 08:42:55

I have implemented "ask nicely or you don't get it". It's very fucking boring to keep repeating but I think it's going in. I also do 'is that how chase [paw patrolhmm] would ask/talk/speak?' Which is quite effective

topcat2014 Sun 06-Nov-16 08:44:11

I think that - and then remember I don't live in the John Lewis advert.

I try not to give a shit about the small stuff though.

We don't have too many pointless restrictions in the house though. I have friends who have so many rules it is bewildering.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 06-Nov-16 08:45:04

How old are the children? Positive discipline also works. If we can have calm in the house, we will do x this weekend. Maybe sticker charts if they're younger. Loss of privileges for crappy behaviour. Dd for example has occasionally missed pony club and when she was particularly obnoxious, a riding lesson once - these are her favourite things ever. When dd was younger, dh and I went through a bit of a patch of bickering with dh getting moany, fighty, so I made him a sticker chart as well. Dd at 5/6 thought it hilarious. And it worked pretty well. I just treated dh like I did dd and he realised he was being inordinately grumpy. Now because I tackled it in a jolly way, if either of us are like it, it's much easier to call eachother out on the the behaviour without a massive row.

Afternoondelights Sun 06-Nov-16 08:50:22

Same in our house op, our eldest ds is nearly 13 and is starting to get very cheeky and talks to me in a horrible tone of voice, I've asked him repeatedly not to talk to me like that and he just rolls his eyes! Then the younger ds picks up on it and does the same. Dh can be v immature when dealing with bickering - copying what someone has said but in a really childish voice and has resorted at times to name-calling. Now that the kids are treating him the same way, he can't handle it at all. I just do my best to ignore it all but it frequently ends up with the kids in tears and dh shouting all around him. Very frustrating. For my part I ask the kids to talk to people with respect, the same way I speak to them but obviously with ds1, it's not always working!!

ComfortingKormaBalls Sun 06-Nov-16 09:02:40

Do a 'moan chart'. It doesn't matter how old they are.

Give them a sad face every time someone is rude/moans/swears/tutts etc and let them see how bad they are.

BigChocFrenzy Sun 06-Nov-16 13:25:12

Do a moan chart for your DH and show him as you add his moans

OhYouBadBadKitten Sun 06-Nov-16 13:29:23

I remember when dd started talking to dh in a snapping disrespectful way that wasn't very pleasant. To my horror I realised she was getting it from me. It shook up my attitude completely. It took a little while because it had become such a habit. Fortunately as I changed my tone, so did she.

Adults do have such a huge influence in these things.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Sun 06-Nov-16 13:32:15

DP's family of origin is like this. Never a good word to say about anything! If used to get me down til I realised its their way of making conversation. If they didn't moan there'd be nothing to talk about. Now I just let it wash over me. Difficult for you if it's your H and kids though sad

baconandeggies Sun 06-Nov-16 13:34:37

This might sound silly but you could call a family meeting, with no blaming, and ask for everyone's input on how you can all create a 'happy house' together?

baconandeggies Sun 06-Nov-16 13:35:29

Or just give your DH a kick up the arse!

ImperialBlether Sun 06-Nov-16 13:37:20

It shows there's a real need for family therapy of some kind, doesn't it? There are programmes about nannies showing us how to cope with toddlers etc but teenagers can be a massive problem and it would be great to see something on how to deal with them. Something they could watch, too, to realise how they're coming across.

Newmanwannabe Sun 06-Nov-16 13:44:21

kitten. That is really awesome you can recognise that in your self, own it and change it, and admit to it Well
done smile

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Sun 06-Nov-16 13:53:24

I sympathize.

I like to go along with whiners. I.e. "There's nothing to eat."

"Oh God, I know! I mean sure there's bread and eggs and apples, but who LIVES LIKE THIS?"

Depending on the person, it lightens the mood.

PeppaIsMyHero Sun 06-Nov-16 13:59:12

Totally know what you mean.

I now actively identify any inappropriately negative comments and encourage my family to think about how they're coming across to others, as it's an endless cycle that seems to feed off itself.

Examples:
- If one of the kids speaks in a nasty tone to someone else, I always say "can you think of a nicer way to say that?"
- I'm absolutely rigorous with please & thank you - showing basic appreciation is the first step to having a more positive outlook
- if one of the kids is unpleasant towards someone else, I take them aside and ask them to think about how they're coming across, and whether that's how they intend it. If they say yes I ask them why.
- if DH is being moany, I tend to say "you sound really down / unhappy / fed up" which TENDS to provoke quite a strong denial, at which point I say "oh...the way you're talking makes it sound terrible"

It's boring, it's continuous, but it does actually make a difference as people start to think about how they're communicating with others.

The most important thing is to take no prisoners - don't let bad behaviour slip through unnoticed.

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