...to expect to get what I ask for for my birthday?

(43 Posts)
PineappleExpress Fri 04-Nov-16 14:39:53

Not as bratty as it sounds, and I really don't want to seem ungrateful, but I really don't know how to handle this.

People have asked what I want and I said nothing. They refuse to get me nothing, so I said that, if they are going to insist on spending money, I would prefer if they got one of those charity gifts you can get - food packs/medicine for third world countries, something to help endangered animals etc - or some sort of charity donation.

I have loads of stuff.
Stuff I don't need or want and want to get rid of.
I don't want more stuff.

Everybody is very reluctant to do this and my husband has outright refused, and keeps coming up with money wasting ideas (his heart is in the right place but he always gets it wrong ha ha), as I "haven't told him what I want yet".

AIBcompletelyU in just wanting to save them some money or wanting to use my gifts to help others?
Do I keep pushing for what I want, or should I just accept that they can choose what to get me, even though I can almost guarantee I won't want or need whatever else they buy, and just pretend to want it?

DontMindMe1 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:55:12

You lucky woman - i've got a long list of essentials i need and don't have the money for grin

I think you should accept the gifts your friends want to give to you - you shouldn't put conditions on this.

If you get money - donate it to a cause of your choice
If you get stuff - donate it to homeless and womens shelters (toiletries etc are much appreciated)

You can't help others if you refuse to receive the abundance coming your way smile

Ellieboolou27 Fri 04-Nov-16 15:01:46

Yes I think your being U, people want to buy for you not be dictated which charity you want to donate their hard earned money too, you sounds precious and poncy, I'm sure you can think of something you would like, a meal out, a day trip or experience, then you can donate to your charities of choice.
I'd not be offering to buy a friend or family member a gift if they wanted a donation to charity.

Sosidges Fri 04-Nov-16 15:34:06

I am with you completely. I try to avoid receiving gifts, especially from those that can ill afford it. Last year I was pressured by a relative for an idea. I reminded her about a China shop locally which we had visited. It had some very pretty low priced egg cups. I would have really liked 2 of those.

Come my birthday I got a set of 6 very expensive egg cups, "which match your kitchen".

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Nov-16 15:39:20

How about suggesting experience type gifts instead? I kind of feel charity gifts are wasted sometimes. My dh had a party for 90 people for his 50th and we asked for donations to a small local charity which I volunteered at. They received about 5 donations and most people brought bottles of champagne ( which he doesn't even like) or other token gifts. We were really quite disappointed.

If people are really insistent ( is this a significant birthday?) why not ask for unusual experiences to share with friends? You might get some fun memories. Better than yet more stuff.

SmallBee Fri 04-Nov-16 15:43:18

YANBU, so often people don't give gifts because it's something that person would want, but what the giver would want / thinks the recipient should want. And then you're expected to be grateful.
I always get told the difference I want is boring, well it isn't to me.
Can you as for things,like being taken out to dinner,tickets for the cinema or a show? Then they're still giving you something which will satisfy them but it won't get put in a cupboard and forgotten about.

SmallBee Fri 04-Nov-16 15:44:02

The difference = the gifts.
Silly phone.

AndNowItsSeven Fri 04-Nov-16 15:45:30

Yes yabu, you sound ungrateful and it comes across and thinking you are better than them.
Do your charity work in private.

StarryIllusion Fri 04-Nov-16 15:56:16

I wont do charity gifts because the the charity harass you for months afterwards for another donation. If you really don't want anything ask for gift cards.

IDreamOfPeace Fri 04-Nov-16 16:04:15

YANBU. The question literally being put to you is "What you you like for your birthday?" and you've told them what you would like; for them to save their money or to buy a gift for the less fortunate. It's not like you're asking for the moon on a stick grin

I don't like birthdays anymore because I ask for the same 'gifts' as you every year and I never get what I ask for. I just get told "That's not for you though is it?". Physically and technically no, but it would make me very happy if my birthday (which lets face it is a very insignificant event in the grand scheme of things) could benefit someone in need.

I know some people misunderstand that you see them as a charity case too by refusing a gift. Most of my family don't have a lot of money and tell me weekly they're struggling financially. I always implore them to save their money rather than buy me a present and they get offended, like I'm telling them how to manage their money. I'm not, but I don't want to add to their money worries just because it's my birthday! sad

luckylucky24 Fri 04-Nov-16 16:20:59

YANBU - why ask if you are going to ignore the answer!

My inlaws all asked me what DH wanted for his birthday. I told them a few things he had been asking for (and would have got myself if they didn't want to) but instead they all just gave money. Why ask?
MIL actually rang us at 5pm the night before saying "does he want a present or just money?" He is 4! Of course he wants a present!
At xmas I am just going to tell them all to give me the money in advance and I will do the shopping myself!

luckylucky24 Fri 04-Nov-16 16:22:13

That should say DS not DH!

MLGs Fri 04-Nov-16 16:25:08

Not really an answer to your question, but food or drink gifts are good if you don't want things piling up in your house.

SheSparkles Fri 04-Nov-16 16:25:46

Amazon vouchers are my gift of choice when someone asks me

PuntasticUsername Fri 04-Nov-16 16:30:10

YANBU and I had no idea people could be so twatty about this sort of thing. What the hell is wrong with getting someone the very thing they've said they want? If you insist on instead getting something YOU want to get, that rather implies that you think it's all really more about you as The Giver Of The Gift than about the recipient actually getting any pleasure out of what you give them.

PineappleExpress Fri 04-Nov-16 21:39:40

Thanks for the replies. Definitely not being precious, and certainly don't think I'm better than anyone. I'm putting conditions on my gift because that is what they have asked me to do. They won't accept getting me nothing, so what am I supposed to do just let them stress about what to get and hope I can pass it on later, which just seems ungrateful to me.
I don think badly of people who do not give to charity, but I would much rather people just not spend the money on something I really don't need.
I have bad anxiety issues so going out and experience hints would just go to waste.
I'm not a big eater or drinker so good would probably just get muchched/drunk by husband ha ha.

I hadn't thought about the charities pestering people afterwards :/ definitely don't want that

LisaMed1 Fri 04-Nov-16 21:46:32

You could always ask for something you could regift...

Ragwort Fri 04-Nov-16 21:54:31

YANBU - I totally agree with you; I absolutely don't want any more 'stuff' in my life, I don't want 'experiences', nice meals out, pamper sessions etc. I am very fortunate and I enjoy giving to charity and would want any gifts to be 'charity type' gifts. Why do other people find this so hard to understand?

And even if YOU don't support a specific charity, the gift is for the birthday person so if they want a charity gift for the endangered donkey home or whatever surely that is what you should give them, even if you have no interest in saving donkeys grin.

Are you having a party whereby people feel 'obliged' to bring presents? For my 50th I specifically put on the invite 'no presents please' and 90% of the guests did respect my request.

caroldecker Fri 04-Nov-16 21:57:54

There must be some things that you like - smellies, lotions etc. Either ones you buy yourself or a 'treat' version you could ask for.

WanderingTrolley1 Fri 04-Nov-16 21:58:49

Yanbu.

Ragwort Fri 04-Nov-16 22:03:55

carol - your comment reminded me about when we cleared out my DGMs home after she had died - years and years worth of what we had assumed were 'nice' presents -smellies, lotions, nice slippers, cashmere cardigans etc etc etc sad.

I wonder why people feel 'obliged' to give presents when they have clearly been asked not to?

PineappleExpress Fri 04-Nov-16 22:09:11

Really not a smellies kind of person. I got some bath bombs last Christmas which just sit on my windowsill looking pretty ha ha. I prefer plain old shower gel and have plenty of that kind of stuff stocked up anyway.

Not having a party or anything. Didn't do anything special for my 30th last year, so definitely not bothering this year, ha ha.

BarbaraofSeville Fri 04-Nov-16 22:16:21

I think the problem is that by not wanting anything is that you are denying them the chance to go shopping and buy something. It's all about them. If they are a spender they can't comprehend not wanting anything, even toiletries.

Im like you OP, i have too much stuff and I don't want any more. It stresses me out. If people say they don't want anything, they Don't Want Anything so the best present you can get them is nothing.

mysistersimone Fri 04-Nov-16 22:36:40

I don't want stuff either. This year I've asked friends to donate to the local hospice whatever they were planning on spending. To do it in my mum's name, that's a gift for me too then

Mindtrope Fri 04-Nov-16 22:52:26

I hate stuff too. If I am asked then I will suggest a small practical present, but if not I accept it graciously, and then donate it to a charity shop.

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