To stop talking to my mum?(131 Posts)
I know this is a bit silly, but I need some advice. My fiancée and I are trying to conceive, but we aren't telling parents as we are young and they will disapprove, especially mine. My fiancées parents will take it a lot better than mine will. Every time I speak to my mum on the phone she asks if I'm using protection and yesterday she kept going on about it, saying "we don't want to get pregnant now do we", as if this is her decision as well. She always says if I do get pregnant she will "March me down to the abortion clinic", which isn't her choice either. She's also quite rude, whenever she sees me she tells me I've put on weight and constantly asks what I've been eating. She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care. I suffer from depression and quite a few times she has told me "you're not really depressed". I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and she doesn't even believe that. I feel like she has no right to tell me to use condoms, I live with my fiancée and haven't lived at home for a while. I told her I had come off the depo and said I was going on the pill (which I'm not as we're trying for a baby), and she keeps asking if I've gone to the doctors yet, telling me I need to go on the pill NOW. I'm sick of the way she talks to me and tries to control me. My dilemma is that when I get pregnant and tell her about it, if she says anything about an abortion or anything like that, that I will cut her out of my life. Every time I speak to her I get upset. If by some miracle she accepts me being pregnant (when I get pregnant) I don't know if I can let my child see their grandmother knowing she didn't even want me to have them in the first place. Am I being unreasonable for considering not talking to her again?
Not living at home I would think that you late teens? At least. It's nothing to do with her and your nbu to not talk to her again or share things with her. She sounds like a very controlling person it's your life at the end of it time to make your own decisions nothing to do with her.
How old are you OP? Could you support a baby? Have a roof over your etc? Depending on the answers I can't say if your mum is being U.
There are a lot of issues there and they are getting intertwined.
For starters stop telling your mum anything that she is going to criticise, you know what she is like, you know she will judge certain choices, yet you still choose to involve her by telling her things.
Does she have concerns about your ability to deal with a child at your age (hard to say as you could be 18 or 28) or is she concerned about your depression and is expressing herself badly?
She doesn't know your trying and as she thinks your on the pill she will probably say things that she maybe wouldn't say if she knew you were trying for a baby.
That said, she does sound quite selfish and tactless, but it's totally your call as to whether that's enough to go NC over.
I'm 20, my fiancée gets a regular income and I get benefits
She calls me hopeless a lot, not realising how hurtful it is. I feel as though I cannot tell her a lot of things I'm going through as she either says something hurtful or doesn't care.
She sounds mean OP YANBU to consider not talking to her again as it's your choice, BUT I would consider other things first, like just generally keeping your distance, not telling her things etc.
With regards to the pregnancy talk, I think you have to be firmer:
"I'm an adult, that's not your decision"
"that's between me and my fiancée"
"I'm not discussing birth control with you"
"I will NOT be having an abortion and that is not your decision to make, you need to stop saying it"
And when you get pregnant and tell her (I'd certainly wait a while and tell her later on)
"I don't want to hear anything negative about this, this is something we want and have planned for, if you can't be happy for us then you need to keep that to yourself"
Is your mother contributing to you in anyway? Financially, providing lifts or other support?
If she is providing, but at the same time being too intrusive, you'll need to decide to how to scale back her involvement and become more independent.
Once independent it is much easier to be more assertive and put appropriate boundaries in place.
Oh, and I should say, when I was mid 20's (and married) my mum was always telling me not to get pregnant. It did come from a caring place but I still found it pretty irritating
I agree with PP that it sounds like there are lots of issues getting intertwined. Your mum should not be saying you are 'hopeless' or putting you down, that sounds very hurtful.
You say you have depression. Have you had any treatment for that? I am just wondering if you are seeing a counselor maybe they could help you talking g through your experience with your mum.
It is hard to tell whether your mum just wants the best for you and thinks threatening to 'march you to the abortion clinic' will out you off TTC or if she would follow through and try to trample over your wishes when you do become pregnant.
It might be worth thinking about what do you have control over and what you don't? You can't change your mum's personality but you can change your reaction to her comments. That might mean calling her on her rudeness in a calm and mature way - show her that you are grown up and also the you expect respect. It might mean not telling her as much detail about your life. It might mean taking a break from her or going completely non contact.
for you and take your time. You don't need to plan right now whether you will stop speaking to her over her potential reaction to you getting pregnant.
I was waiting for you to say you were around 16!
At your age you need to tell your mum to back off you're an adult and are capable of making your own decisions. You don't need someone to tell you what to do.
Stand up for yourself, your mum will probably just end up being controlling and telling you what to do once a baby is born.
Stop telling her personal details about your life. Keep conversations on a "need-to-know" basis. Your mum doesn't need to know that you came off the depo in the first place let alone what birth control you may or may not be using after it.
Keep details like that out of the equation and don't give her a chance to crticise. She isn'ylt supportive anyway so no good will come of you sharing these things with her.
FWIW she sounds controlling and mean, I wouldn't want to have contact with someone who threatened to force me into aborting their future grandchild and would go no-contact.
If I told her we were trying for a baby she would go crazy, my dad too. She would tell me I was being stupid and my dad would shout at me, she'd probably also tell my fiancées parents and wouldn't give us a chance to tell them. I've sent her a text asking her to stop talking about birth control and that it's my personal life/relationship. She hasn't replied, whenever I send her texts where I stand up to her, she doesn't reply and then calls me a week later asking if I've stopped "sulking"
My mum gives me £30 a month and that's it, I can live without that money. I'm not sure if she could live without me in her life as I'm her only child, just to make sure she doesn't lose me she might accept a grandchild. She knows how much I love babies and she knows how much I'd love one.
I'm on anti depressants, the highest dosage but I still don't think she believes I have a problem. I'm thinking about seeing a counsellor because whenever she upsets me my fiancée ends up having to comfort me and it upsets him a lot and stresses him out, he hates seeing her because he knows how much she hurts me
Yeah I'm also worried that eventually when I give birth (be it next year or in a few years), she will try and tell me what to do because she works in a nursery, even though I've worked in a nursery before too. I know how to look after a baby, I have a level 4 in early childhood studies (which she doesn't) and my close friend has a baby and we're always chatting about babies. Although my friend is 19 with her baby and my mum is always saying how irresponsible it was to get pregnant and she wasn't happy it about it, even though it has completely nothing to do with her! She has so much judgement, she called my future mil fat and said something similar about my fiancée also. Since she's always going on about my weight, I'm worried that when my future children are older that she'll comment on their weight too, I've grown up with low self esteem and self harmed for a long time, whenever she said something about my weight I would hurt myself.
So it's all very complicated. I know that when we have children my future fil will be amazing with them, he doesn't care what we do, and my future mil will come to terms with it better than my own mum
Is there a genuine reason why your mum has these concerns, or is she simply being overbearing?
Are your working/studying? One reason your mum might be concerned is that she feels you should get a job or qualifications before you commit to having a family. Does she feel you are having a child as an "easy option" ?
First I am so so sorry about your miscarriage Bunny at any age that is awful news and very un mn but hugs to. I was 31 when I lost my twins and it's coming up on their 3rd anniversary and it's still raw despite since being blessed with another daughter.
Second it is up to no one but you and your fiancé if you are trying again, but the stress she is adding combined with your depression isn't good for you so if you feel sting enough to tell her to butt out don't feel guilty about doing so, if you don't want to do that I would not share any personal information with her, sometimes bright and breezy can be the way to go...
Mum: we don't want to get pregnant do we?
You: oh no I can see you wouldn't want another child now mum. Anyway must go I'm just taking something out of the oven, byeeee.
Meanwhile be kind to yourself and good luck ttc
Stop collecting the £30 a month if indeed you don't need it. What on earth is it for? If you do need it then I can sort of see where she's coming from, probably she's worried about how you'll support a baby. Otherwise the when's and how you have a baby are nothing to do with her. All grandparents need to know is, 'there's a baby on the way'
It has, of course, nothing to do with her. However if my 20 year old was on benefits and trying for a baby, I would be incredibly worried. I am in no way benefit bashing, but I would be disappointed that they were losing opportunities for going to college, or going travelling.
You do sound very young OP in some ways (she doesn't need a level 4 in Childhood studies, she's had you). I know you say you chat with your friend etc, but the reality is very different.
She certainly shouldn't be horrible to you, it clearly makes you feel sad, but I get the feeling she's concerned (perhaps overly, I don't know).
Could you face sitting down and having a proper calm talk with her?
You are on a high dose of a/d - have you researched the implications of this on pregnancy? Have you thought about the possible effects of having a baby on your mental health? It can be a really rocky time.
You say you aren't working at the moment? I'm wondering if you'd be better getting a job and then being able to take mat leave when you have a baby? Relying on benefits isn't going to make your life or your baby's life the best it can be - two incomes are better than one, if it's an option!
I wonder if your mum has some of these concerns but is articulating them in a really shit way?!
If you look at your situation from the outside, is it the best time to be having a baby?
On a very practical note have you checked with a doctor your antidepressants are suitable during pregnancy? If you need to taper and swap it would be better to do it prior to pregnancy. I was on top dose of citalopram when I had a surprise bump, had to stop it dead which was quite a shock to the system.
I went to uni last year and found that early childhood studies wasn't suited for me and I'm at uni this year for criminology, I will most likely not carry it on as I don't think uni is for me and I have other qualifications already. I get money for my mental health and my fiancée gets some money for certain disabilities, he's still able bodied to look after a baby. She knows I've been having problems with uni courses not being right for me as well and doesn't mind if I want to quit
At the end of the day. It's your decision not hers. She needs to realise that she can not interfere.
I have researched about medication during pregnancy and everything else we need to know, I am prepared for it
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